It is 9:25pm and The Husband and I can sit down for dinner. Finally. After I spent two and a half hours bathing and feeding three under 6 year olds. The eldest two fell asleep at 8pm, which is a miracle as they usually tend to hop around until after 9. But the little one, despite his only eleven months, struggled to calm down. It took another one and a half hours of me limbo dancing with him in a baby sling until he eventually dozed off. And in between back rubs and sandwich folding, I checked on various urgent work email trails. (I usually take care to answer only the most important ones, because, under the circumstances, I may end up sounding less composed than I actually am.)
During the same time, The Husband was trekking through Rodman's and Aldi chasing some vital ingredients to reconstruct a German Christmas in America.
(Let me take a sip before I continue. I have just been handed a Cabernet with a blue cheese and fig jam tartine on the side. Hm. Senses slowly coming back.)
How do people do this? I mean, spending quality time with your kids while earning the means to do so and still getting enough sleep to ward off premature dementia? How are you supposed to do it?
The question keeps occupying researchers and I am not sure it is solved yet. Still, my recent dive into the research rewarded me with busting a few myths:
Myth #1: You need to spend a maximum of time with your kids
No. In fact, the quantity of time is irrelevant for children age 3 to 11 as long as it does not drop below the minimum of about 6 hours per week, according to this new large-scale study.
Frankly, 6 hours is nothing, like just getting dressed and one meal together six days a week. Or, one weekend afternoon and nothing else. Kids that have this much of parent time, or the double of it, fare just the same in terms of achievement, behavior and emotional well-being.
So there. What have we been stressing about? Mothers in 2016 spend on average 14 hours with their children per day, while mostly, half of it would do. The only group of children for whom more time makes a difference are those that are about to grow out of childhood: for adolescents, 12 years+, more parental time makes a difference in terms of better behavior.
The quality always matters though. The time you spend together should be interactive. If you spend it doing nothing or watching TV, it will be detrimental. - On the other hand, unstructured alone time is good for children; it has been shown to build executive skills.
Myth #2: It doesn't matter if parents sleep less when they have kids
Oh it does. If parents are stressed and sleep-deprived, parent time will be harmful for children, Milkie's study found out. As a parent, you should see to your own sleep at least as much as to your children's sleep. Let's be realistic, this is unfeasible without enlisting outside help from time to time, as well as taking turns with your spouse in getting up at night and a flexible employer who understands that on some days, your full brain at work at 10:30am is better than half of it at 8:30am.
It's a tough nut to crack, but I understand it a bit like the oxygen mask in planes: you must put on your own mask first, if you want to have a decent chance at helping your child.
Myth #3: It is a good idea for a mother to give up her job to have more time for children
Better not. Two things that do more than parental time for the future success of a child, according to the above study and others, is family income and a mother's educational level. Higher income and higher maternal education are always good. Milkie also finds that mothers' work hours don't matter much at all.
So, both spouses working is a good thing. I can imagine some non-linear reasoning here though, with the impact of dual earning being particularly strong at lower income levels and less so above a certain level. Further studies should look into this.
Myth #4: Only your kids' fun matters, your own doesn't
Actually, your own fun is vital. A study on 6500 children and their fathers published in the British Medical Journal found that the amount of fun fathers had while parenting was much more important than the time they were involved. Fun fathers were 28% less likely to have children with behavior problems.
"The researchers discovered that how secure the fathers felt about their role and their partner, and how emotionally connected they were with their children, were more important in reducing the likelihood of behavioural problems than the time they put in to childcare."
Myth #5: We want to keep our kids supervised because of the risks they are exposed to.
Nope. We supervise them closely because we find it immoral to do otherwise. It has nothing to do with the actual risks the kids face. As Ashley Thomas and her team carefully researched with an experiment, our brain muddles up the two, morals and risk perception. The less morally acceptable we find the reason why a child is left alone, the more at risk we believe the child is.
This is not to say that there are no risks out there. I am not in the camp of 'let the kids be in the street alone all day, like it used to be'. Yes, it used to be the case, and I had collected two concussions by age 6, while my 6 year old today has never had one.
But we do need to take a step back and realize our risk perceptions are out of whack. Kids need enough unsupervised freedom to develop their own life skills.
So they can prepare their own blue cheese and fig jam tartines. Eventually.
Bottom line, parents need to let themselves off the hook a bit more, take license to live, and breathe and have fun, and stress a bit less in 2017.