Meanwhile, down at the showroom...
"Gosh, I've never seen so many cars before! Are you sure we -- "
"It's gonna be fine, OK?"
"And what was our agreement?"
"That I let you do the talking."
"Exactly. If you want to smile at him, smile at him. But I'll handle all the -- "
"Hey there! Welcome to GOP AutoWorld -- you look like a couple of folks who are ready for a change! Dump the old clunker for something new!"
"I knew it! I just knew it! Well, you certainly came to the right place, because here at GOP AutoWorld, we've got the biggest and best selection of brand-spanking-new vehicles you've ever seen! All new makes! All new models! And they're ready to move!"
"Are you gonna keep shouting?"
"I knew it! I -- sorry. I mean, I knew it. A man who knows his own mind. Doesn't need some salesman in his face spouting facts and figures."
"Even though we've got plenty of facts and figures worth shouting about, plus our totally redesigned product line. So, what can we do to put you nice folks behind the wheel of a -- well, not both of you at once, of course -- behind the wheel of a shiny new GOP vehicle?"
"What's that one over there?"
"Does this man have an eye for quality? Does this man know a fine automobile when he sees one? That's our Armey STX Turbo -- 320 horses tucked under the hood of that beauty, and power to burn! She runs on regular or premium tea, and -- "
"Did you say 'Armey'?"
"The STX Turbo, sure."
"I thought you said 'all new makes and models.' Wasn't there an Armey around years ago?"
"I love a man with a good memory! You are correct, sir. But this Armey here -- totally different engine, totally different design. You wouldn't even recognize -- "
"I want something new. What's that one over there?"
"The man's got the soul of a race-car driver, doesn't he? Wants a car that really pushes the envelope, doesn't he? Well, that baby'll take corners at 105, and get it on the open road and -- well, let's just say there are no limits! Our engineers designed the Gingrich to really -- "
"The Gingrich. You're looking at the NT 3 right there, but we've also got the Newtster 550 and 550Z, plus the -- "
"There was a Gingrich back in the '90s, wasn't there?"
"I know I'm not making this up."
"Well, as a matter of fact, there was a -- "
"Your ads said 'new' and 'different.' So I want to see new and different. Now, do you -- "
"A man who cuts through the baloney! You're one very lucky woman, ma'am, if you don't mind my saying so. You've -- "
"Don't talk to her. Talk to me."
"Got it. OK, one more try, right over here -- and it'll absolutely blow your socks off!"
"See? What did I tell you?"
"Looks a little foreign, though."
"Hey, the parts come from everywhere these days, right? Who cares? Now, the sticker's a little steep, but like we always say at GOP AutoWorld: 'You get what you pay for.'"
"And the financing?"
"None of your business!"
"But -- "
"Oh, you mean your financing! I thought you meant -- never mind. No problem."
"And this one's called..."
"Who cares what it's called? It's all about the quality, isn't it?"
"You'd better not be showing me another retread. What's it called?"
"We're outta here."
# # #
Rick Horowitz is a syndicated columnist. You can write to him at firstname.lastname@example.org.