We were back in Providence, RI, for episode 5 of "The X Factor," where people were receiving completely unplanned Tweets from their friends telling them to rush over to the auditions, while Britney and her manager were conspiring to mess with one of the assistants by sending him on a wild goose chase for a straw hat and a tiara. (We're baffled too.) Simon chose to arrive on an electric scooter with a police escort, and a two-man group called The Original Greeks was flirting with every unsuspecting woman who stood close to them in line. Just another "X Factor" audition show ...
THE GOOD
Dinah Jane Hansen: "If I Were A Boy"
The 15-year-old student lives in a house with about 20 of her family members, and admitted she was a huge Britney fan before auditioning. Thankfully, it looks like she might have a way out of her cramped living situation, because her voice was incredible -- nuanced and controlled on what was an undeniably challenging song.
Coaches' verdict: Yes x 4. "You took that thing to places that even Beyonce didn't take it. That was unbelievable," L.A. gushed, predicting that she'd be one of their finalists. "You made my day -- I felt like I had a connection with you from the moment you started singing," Britney said. "I got the chills several times while you were singing, and that doesn't happen with me a lot," Demi agreed. "This is why we came to Providence, to find someone like you," Simon said.
Arin Ray: An original song called "Count on Me"
The 16-year-old made it through bootcamp as a soloist last season, but he unfortunately got saddled with the awful uber-group InTENsity for the live rounds and was summarily eliminated. This time around, he came back with a self-penned song and performed with an old-school Usher vibe on stage, instantly charming the judges (especially Britney and Demi).
Coaches' verdict: Yes x 4. "I liked you last year, I like you even more this year," L.A. said. "You embody 'X Factor' all day and night." Britney agreed that he was a true star, while Demi appreciated his confidence and stage presence. "It was a great audition," Simon said.
We were also treated to a rare montage of awesomeness instead of a montage of suck, featuring youngsters like Natalie Martin (16), Nick Perrelli (16), Beatrice Miller (13) and rappers One4Five who all blew the judges away in the first hour.
Austin Corini: "Wanted"
After a bizarre moment where a couple of teenage girls from the audience approached him and asked for his autograph in the holding room, the bleach-blond teen hit the stage for the Hunter Hayes number. He had a great tone and a marketable face, so the girls in the crowd ate him up from the start.
Coaches' verdict: Yes x 4. Britney said he had an amazing voice and was adorable, Demi agreed that he was cute and that there was something special about him. L.A. pointed out that he'd seen a lot of young singers like Austin, and Simon said Austin was holding back and Simon wanted to see a bit more. "You've got to be remembered for your voice and not your hair," he insisted.
Nick Youngerman: "Ice Ice Baby"
A 20-year-old janitor with disgusting amounts of energy, Nick got Britney up on her feet and dancing along with his bouncy rendition of the Vanilla Ice classic.
Coaches' verdict: Yes x 4. "I think you're absolutely adorable, yes!" Britney swooned after blowing him a kiss. "This is how one show can change your life," Simon observed.
David Correy: "Just the Way You Are"
He drove 13 hours with his adopted brothers to make the audition in the hope that his birth mother might someday hear his voice and reconnect with him. His voice was soulful and raw, with a sweet and controlled upper register, and even Simon seemed to get a little tearful watching him perform the Bruno Mars number.
Coaches' verdict: "You have the most amazing stage presence," Britney said. "There's something really charming about you ... your upper register is so powerful," L.A. agreed.
Sophie Tweed-Simmons: "Make You Feel My Love"
Arrived with her father, Gene Simmons of KISS, which inevitably led to a flood of photos being taken and a hasty escort out of the regular line. Sophie seemed determined to prove herself without trading on her father's name, and admitted she hadn't told her parents about auditioning until the day before. She had a solid voice, even if the audition was a little too Adele-lite, and she was certainly better than some of the other contestants they've let through thus far.
Coaches' verdict: Yes x 3, with a no from L.A.. Demi thought she needed more control but had something special about her. L.A. didn't quite "get the chill-bumps" that he wanted to get. "I think you have an amazing voice," Britney said. "You've got a very interesting tone to your voice," Simon observed.
Tara Simon: "Without You"
The week's token bitchy girl was not amused by the perceived nepotism of Gene Simmons' daughter being given a pass to boot camp, but she probably should've worried more about her own performance. After doing push-ups backstage and telling the judges that she was going to be sitting where they were in five years, she finally got around to singing. Her version of "Without You" was completely obnoxious, full of Mariah-esque runs and excessive vibrato, but she undeniably has a strong voice beneath all the showboating.
Coaches' verdict: Yes x 4. "We haven't even tapped what you're capable of," Simon observed, before noting that she oversang in places, but had the talent and steel in her eyes. L.A. called her "theatrical," but also "damn good."
Daryl Black: "Stereo Hearts"
A young-looking 37-year-old musician with a wife and five kids, Daryl was auditioning because he wanted to provide more for his family. He performed a soulful, stripped-down rendition of the Gym Class Heroes number, hitting some gorgeous notes and completely charming the crowd.
Coaches' verdict: Yes x 4. "You have an amazing voice," Demi insisted. "Golden voice, confident too," L.A. agreed. Britney complimented the smoothness of his voice, while Simon compared him to Nat King Cole by way of Michael Bublé.
THE BAD
Adonis and John (The Original Greeks): "Hello"
The duo were allowed to perform far longer than necessary or socially acceptable, mutilating the Lionel Ritchie classic with a pitchy rendition that John interspersed with random punctuations of "yeah" every few bars. They had personality in spades, but sadly no talent.
Coaches' verdict: No x 4. "The good news is, you have a day job," L.A. laughed. "It really, really isn't good," Simon agreed.
Jaime: An original number called "Will You Be My Baby"
A "group" that's actually a duo -- and an engaged couple, no less -- which meant a lot of PDA in the holding room. They had a fantasy about winning and having Simon officiate their wedding, with L.A. as the best man and Britney and Demi as bridesmaids ... Aim higher, kids. Britney looked strangely skeptical about them, considering how much she loves cutesy contestants, but her trepidation was warranted, since they were cheese with a side of ham, with awful matching choreography and a '90s beat.
Coaches' verdict: No x 4. "If I was auditioning for a cruise line, that would sort of work. It was so corny," Simon sighed. "It was cabaret." L.A. said he didn't get it. At least they still have each other ...
THE UGLY
Changyi Li: "My Heart Will Go On"
Originally from China, the 52-year-old came dressed in a sailor outfit, and obviously, because she had an accent and was an older woman, the producers had to subtitle her and give her "quirky" music. I wish she'd been awesome just to spite the mean-spirited editing -- sadly, it was bizarre and childish, although Demi appeared to be entertained.
Coaches' verdict: No x 4. "The good news is, if they ever remake the film, you could replace the iceberg. Sing the song and down it goes," Simon snarked. "I don't think singing is for you," Britney agreed, putting it mildly.
Trevor Moran: ... Psych! You'll have to wait til tomorrow to find out what he sings!
A camera-loving 13-year-old who's clearly hoping to be the next Bieber, Trevor spent about 10 minutes of the episode hamming it up before we flashed forward to him lying unconscious on the floor an hour later. And that's all we saw, because the producers deemed that to be cliffhanger-worthy material, even though none of us really care about him yet. But tune in tomorrow to make sure that he doesn't die! (Spoiler alert: He doesn't.)
"The X Factor" airs Wednesdays and Thursdays at 8 p.m. ET on Fox.