"I admire addicts. In a world where everybody is waiting for some blind, random disaster or some sudden disease, the addict has the comfort of knowing what will most likely wait for him down the road. He's taken some control over his ultimate fate, and his addiction keeps the cause of his death from being a total rprise." -- Chuck Palahniuk, Choke
All the symptom are there the heart palpitations, the craving, insomnia, not eating, the feeling of unworthiness, weight loss - yes I admit I am an addict. I spent all my time wanting to do it when I cant and yearn to feel the high that I get while doing my favorite thing. Sometime after fulfilling my addiction I feel great other days I feel sad and depressed, yet the desire to do it never subsides. I do it mostly because I have to , its in my blood; it makes me the person that I am and fills the holes in my heart.
Yes I confess I am addicted to writing.
I figured this out while working on my book. It is my third book and it is kind of autobiographical. I wanted to write about the experiences I had gone through in life. I promised myself that I wasn't going to be a coward and was just going to open the forbidden doors that led to the scars of my soul. I was willing to unstitch the wounds that had been buried under the ruble of new stories. I made a vow that either I would fully write about how I felt during these experiences or I wouldn't write at all. I truly believed that it would either be absolutely traumatic to open the wounds or I would stop in the middle and go back to doing my "fictional" writing where I could just create stories.
Once I started writing something from my life the emotions started to boil up. I went on an emotional roller coaster having amazing highs and then real lows. I thought I would stop and evaluate what I was writing , but I didn't instead I became addicted to it. I enjoyed this mental yoga that was going on in my head, sometime I stretched my soul beyond its limit but then my emotional capacity was compromised. I started to write all night and worked my other job during the day. The anger and resentments from the past rose above the surface without me even realizing what I was doing. My interaction with people was rooted from a scar from the past rather then come from present dealings.
Yes I told myself that I was sad and pathetic and I deserved to take my anger out on people that cared. I started to get some sick pleasure out of being a bitch and telling people off, pushing them away and just acting like the victim. This went on until one of my dear friends (whose feelings I had hurt) turned to me and said
"Do you think you need a break from writing? Your totally addicted to it, all you do is write . That's great but its bringing out emotions, that you're having a hard time dealing with. It's like you're going for therapy without a therapist"
It was like someone had woke me up .It wasn't anyone's fault that my scars weren't healed. If I decided to go write a book about myself where I was willing to open my soul, I need to learn to deal with it in a correct way.
Yes, I am still addicted to writing and I still feel the heart palpitations, the craving, insomnia, not eating, the feeling of unworthiness and weight loss, but now Im riding the emotional roller coaster on my own without running people over.