It’s late August 2015. There are already more than 20 people running for president. Only about five of those have a realistic chance of actually winning, and we should not be encouraging anybody else to participate in the race. But here we are, just a group of Internet wags, standing in front of Joe Biden, asking him to love the idea of running for president.
Because let’s face it, why not. Why else would anyone agree to be vice president, if not to seek that brass ring ... that easy ascension. Why not give it a shot -- all you need is one or two billionaire donors to give you some lift.
You've already consulted with Elizabeth Warren, who isn’t running, and guys like Martin O’Malley aren’t winning. Are you really going to let Al Gore snake some attention? Are you actually going to sit back and watch Lincoln Chafee run as a Democrat? Have you not already thought about how great it would be to launch your latest bid for the White House at a barbecue-slash-summit with #BlackLivesMatter activists?
Here at First To Last, we aren’t counting you, Joe Biden, out.
| RANK | REASON | |
|---|---|---|
 | POLLING NUMBERS ARE INVITINGI mean, you're gonna jump ahead of Webb, O'Malley and Chafee -- and you'll post pretty good numbers against the GOP in the swing states. | |
 | WHO KNOWS WHAT'S ON THE HILLARY EMAILSThe FBI continues to make progress recovering that wiped server for personal emails... | |
 | OBAMA WILL SAY NICE THINGSLong live your bromance with the prez. | |
 | AUTHENTICITY NOW A CALLING CARDIn the past, "Uncle Joe" has been a bit too authentic for your own good. But in this field, it's a virtue. | |
 | VEEP BUT NO VICEYou've taken a showhorse position and turned it into a workhorse position. | |
 | ERASE THE MEMORY OF FIRST TWO 'CAMPAIGNS'If you think about it, your Oval Office trajectory is at least as good as Clinton's. | |
 | VPs USED TO ALWAYS RUNDick Cheney didn't have the cojones. You do. | |
 | THE MEDIA WILL LOVE ITYou know, at least until you either get yourself into trouble ... or emerge as the frontrunner. | |
 | YOU LOOK YOUNGER THAN BERNIEAnd you can probably bench press more than Martin O'Malley. | |
 | CAN ACTUALLY RIDE AROUND IN THAT TRANS-AMAnd wear those aviators every. single. damn. day. | |
 | YOUR NAME IS JOEIt's just too perfect. |