I look around my yard, our little slice of mountain heaven. We live in a beautiful part of the country. Rolling hills, deep thick woods and views that we too often take for granted. I can jump in my car and be at one State Park in 15 minutes, or start from the opposite direction and be at another in 10. Actually, I could physically walk to the latter and tried once, but mentally freaked myself out over a bear and forced my husband to turn around and lead us home. And, you truly are a child of nature. Maybe you see the beauty more than I. Years of living in this same place, I rarely take it in anymore. Plus, my sights are on you. Watching your every move as you explore the only bit of the world you have ever really seen. It is quite coincidentally that you don't yet know what is out there for you to explore, yet I tune it all out because all I see is you.
You are bigger than this big world.
I have turned down opportunities. I have set my sights on reality. I know our limits as a family. "Let's take off and go to Key West for your 30th birthday," a group of us discussed over drinks late one night. The phone has rang, and I have been approached with great opportunities in Florida and Texas. For a split second, my mind wonders. Sometimes, I think about what could be. But, then I look at you with your toys across the living room floor, and I think of our family who surrounds us and provides safety and you relationships, and I could never imagine anything more. Every decision this world presents, you are the deciding factor.
You are bigger than this big world.
Voices in my head. All of our heads. Society quick to judge us as parents. Your child must be in bed by 8 pm. The binkie and bottle should have been gone, like three months ago. Basically, I am sure your teeth are going to fall out. She is not climbing stairs without help yet? Gasp! Wait! Did you say bottle, does that mean you are still not breastfeeding? Does she come into your bed at night? You really need to engage in the crying it out method. It hits us all from many directions, it comes from your mom, your best friend, the media, social media friends, parenting magazine and fellow bloggers! Voices swirl around me as a parent -- do this, not that, eat this, not that. The leading Pediatrician says this but the world's leading psychologist says that. You know what? What do you need, honey? Tell, me! It has not always been easy. Especially, since you are my first, but I am so much better at this. Shutting the voices and opinions down and not worrying about how you compare to another child down the street or how you compare to children your age as a national average.
You are bigger than this big world.
When my work day has been long, mentally exhausting, when I worry about small details that at the end of the day drive no true results or get me anywhere. When I care to much about satisfying others than for standing up for what I believe. Suffocating my own voice. When I feel anxiety creep into my chest and sometimes my heart beats so big I feel like it could explode. I think of you. I grab my cell phone, I flip through your pictures. Does my heart still hurt? Yes, because now I miss you as I sit here at my desk. But, slowly my anxiety becomes controllable, and I think to myself, "This is what matters." And, I gain a part of myself back.
You are bigger than this big world.
In a world where there is violence, hate, racism, misunderstanding and pure evil, I watch in horror, flipping through news stations hoping one will reveal answers over another. I have come to feel so much pain and reveal my own anger. How does this exist? Where have we (yes, we) gone wrong? Sometimes I think, "If the world is this bad now, how bad will it be for you when you are an adult?" What will be your big world?
You are bigger than this big world.
Don't you ever forget that! When life is hard. When the cards are not dealt in your favor. On days or nights when you want to run home and crash into your bed crying. When you feel like giving up. When things feel overwhelming, unfair, unpleasant and unimaginable. Remember - You are bigger than this big world.
My hope as your mother is that this same outlook I have on you, my everything, you have for yourself, but so much bigger. That you realize that you can do anything, go anywhere, be anything and change things. While this big ol' world can be scary. The unknown exists and is everywhere. You little lady are already, far bigger.
This post originally appeared on backwardsnhighheels.com.
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