You Cannot Be Serious

I am not a big skier, but I love apres-ski wear, and imagine I would look great in an all-white, fur-trimmed ski suit.
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Seriously, I'm thinking I have a little time on my hands, well, not that much, actually, but if Sarah Palin can do it, why not me?

I'm around the same age, I look good in a red suit, and I occasionally wear glasses. I don't do that whole bouffant hair up-do, but I can do a sleek, chic ponytail that would give her a run for her money.

Admittedly, there are no ancient photos of me wearing tight T-shirts showing off spectacular bosoms, but I think, somewhere in a drawer, my cousin has photos of me topless on a Greek island. I'm hoping she'll keep them in a drawer, but I'm sure if someone offers her enough money she may decide to release them.

I have not banned books from libraries, but I have banned the Eldest Daughter from reading Mr. Maybe -- that bathtub scene is far too inappropriate -- does that count?

And whilst I've never had cause to request a trooper be fired, I did fire the nanny for bringing a knife-wielding maniac into the house. I too, can be tough when necessary.

And okay, so I've never shot at wolves from planes, but I show no mercy whatsoever, in fact, I too can be a killer, when it comes to squishing mosquitoes. Hell, I have no fear, I'll squish them with impunity.

As far as I know none of my children are pregnant, which may pose a problem. The six-year-old Daughter occasionally walks around with basketballs under her T-shirt, so I figure we could fool the press for a while.

Also, as far as I know, none of my children have ever taken drugs either, although a couple of years ago the twins finished off the remains of my Pimms -- I realise they were only four at the time, but I'm sure I could create some alcoholism there if I needed to.

We have five children, sometimes six, so I figure I'm at least as good as Palin when it comes to the mothering.

Beloved may not snowmobile, but he is an excellent skier and used to play ice hockey. I suspect that if you put him on a snowmobile, he would be pretty damn good. (He was pretty damned fast at Go-Karting last weekend...)

Also, although I've never been to Alaska, I was once addicted to Northern Exposure, and had a major crush on the DJ. (pre-sex-in-the-city-growing-less-attractive-as-he-gets-older-days)

I am not a big skier, but I love apres-ski wear, and imagine I would look great in an all-white, fur-trimmed ski suit. In fact, I may have to pick up the Gorsuch catalog right now and find something to wear.

I grew up in England, which, yes, yes, I realise poses a small problem, but if Mike Huckabee can change the constitution, well surely I can too...foreign nationals should be allowed to run for VP, especially when they're as well-qualified as I so clearly am.

The point being, as a Brit I spent years having Summer holidays in places like Spain, Italy and France, so I consider myself extremely well-versed in foreign policy. In fact, I even have a few conversation topics -- that good old introductory small talk -- already prepared should they pitch me in with the same world leaders...

To Afghan President, Hamid Karzai:

Tell me Mr President, what did you think of The Kite Runner?
How are you managing in the fight against Opium trafficking?
My good friend at school was the grand-daughter of the deposed King, Zahir Shah. What do you hear of the family these days?

Not bad, eh?

And to Henry Kissinger:

You're not going to believe it Dr. Kissinger, but you and I were neighbours! Tell me, have you ever eaten at the West Street Grill in Litchfield?
What's your preferred route for driving into New York City, and have you ever made it in under two hours?
Do you know, the Republican once held a fundraiser at your house. How did he behave?

To Iraqi President, Jalal Talabani:

I once had an Iraqi boyfriend. For real! I know, small world, isn't it.
I love all middle-eastern food, especially that rice that has the burnt bits at the bottom - what is it called and does your wife make it for you?
What did you think of The Kite Runner. I know, I know, it was Afghanistan, but isn't it similar?

I still cannot quite believe the exchange between Sarah Palin and Hamid Karzai, clearly heard above the clicking of cameras, and involving Palin asking Karzai if he has children, and discussing his young son.

"What is his name?" Palin asked.

"Mirwais," Karzai responded. "Mirwais, which means, 'The Light of the House.'"

"Oh, nice," Palin said.

"He is the only one we have," Karzai said.

'Oh, nice?'
Was that truly the best she could come up with. Well, er, yes. Evidently it was.

Let me tell you, I would have come up with something better. Something like: 'Mirwais? What a beautiful name. And do you have daughters? What are their names? Often we in the West name our children after family members, tell me, is that ever done in Afghanistan?' And so on, and so forth.

'Oh, nice?'

Oh, please.

To quote the immortal words of John McEnroe: "You cannot be serious."

This is why your vote is important to me. And if you have any further doubts, I leave you with the following words, from the mouth of our very own Sarah Palin.

"I'm ready."

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