We’ve all heard the term “bridezilla”, and we’ve all met one or two... and unless you’re living under a rock on a different planet in a completely different universe, you’ve seen the television show that (praise the lord) is coming back in 2018.
But the person that has never met a bridezilla, is a bridezilla. It’s hard to look in the mirror and recognize our inner assbag personality, especially when it’s so easy to blame others for how we are reacting. And while I believe there are friends and family members that can turn the sweetest bride into a bitch, there are plenty of brides that get there all on their own. I’m a wedding planner and believe me, I know.
For that reason, I am putting together the Top 10 signs you might be a bridezilla. So, grab a seat and a mirror and see if you recognize any of these...and if you’re not a bride, but want to tip off the ‘zilla in your life, then be sure to share this on your social media and tag accordingly.
1. You Find a Way to Make Every Conversation About Your Wedding
Your co-worker comes in after the weekend and wants to tell you about the cute shoes she scored at this new shop, and the minute she takes a breath you cut into your story about how you’ll never find the right shoes for your wedding gown. Your neighbor stops by to let you know she’ll be out of town for a few days because she had a death in the family and you use that as a segue to talk about how much money you’re spending on flowers that will ultimately just die the day after your wedding. Same thing, right?
It’s becoming super easy for you to hear a story about not your wedding and make it about your wedding. Whether you act like a buzzkill by dragging someone else’s happiness down (because you’re not happy so no one can be happy), or you try to compete with someone by showing them how hard you have it, it’s all about you.
2. You Are Too Busy to Hang Out With Anyone...
Happy Hour? Nope, gotta get those invitations out. Weekend mani/pedi? Nope, gotta work on the seating chart. Basically, you are busier than the Pope and every political leader across the globe and people need to get it. After all, wedding planning is a full time job so people will just have to understand that for the next year you are booked and busy.
3. ...Unless Those Plans Involve Wedding Planning
But you miraculously have time and a totally clear schedule for anything wedding related. Are you available in 5 minutes for an all day flower pow-wow? You’re damn straight! Meetings? Canceled. This is your wedding and it’s basically the only thing happening in the entire universe right now.
So what if your friends start thinking it’s a little odd that you didn’t have time to attend your sister’s surprise birthday party, but you can tell your boss to sit tight while you skip work to discuss wedding venues. You have priorities and maybe other people should get them too. Amiright?!
4. Everything Needed to Be Done Yesterday (But You Don’t Rush for Shit)
You’re working with the florist of your dreams and the entire proposal is done. The flowers are chosen, the colors are picked and you can check this off your list. But you live on Pinterest and want to change everything because Pantone picked a color of the year that you now need to have. So you email your florist with changes you need (massive ones but YOLO) and she gets back to you with questions and a deadline to send answers by.
Since you are the only one that seems to understand how incredibly busy and important you are planning the wedding of the century, you get back to her after the deadline but whatever. But when that bitch doesn’t respond in 10 minutes (even though it’s after the deadline and you emailed her on a day when the shop is closed), you ring her shop, her cell and send 47 more emails about how she must not want your money and you’ll be burning her shop to the ground shortly.
5. You Start Forgetting Special Dates That Don’t Involve You
That surprise party for your sister? Completely slipped your mind. Your parents’ anniversary? They’ll have another one. If it’s not your bridal shower, your bachelorette party, your dress fitting or any other date wedding related (your wedding, no one else’s because fuck that) it doesn’t even get penciled in on your calendar. In fact, when you’re questioned about your lack of attendance at other events, you’re totally cool with “blaming” the whole wedding planning process....after all, it gives you another chance to talk about your favorite subject: wedding planning.
6. You Scream. A Lot. About Everything.
Your stupid worthless fiance moved your car keys from your normal “go-to” spot to four inches in the other direction and now he needs to die. In fact, you’ll run him over with your own car just to make a point about not touching your keys ever again.
There is literally nothing anyone can do that doesn’t piss you off. It constantly amazes you how people aren’t more sensitive to the fact that every force is working against you, Mercury is in retrograde during your entire planning process, and you’re in-laws are out to destroy you.
7. No One is Calling You/Texting You Back
You have no shame and send a 12th text after the first 11 aren’t answered....by your BFF. What is that so-called bitch friend of yours so busy doing anyway? Damned if you would know because if it’s not about your wedding, you’re not interested. If she’s not planning a week-long bachelorette party in Vegas for you and 2000 of your closest girl pals, then she is obviously doing nothing but sitting on her fat lazy ass.
Every single email, phone call, text and in person meeting revolves around your wedding day. No one gets to talk about anything not wedding related because how is that relevant right now?! So when people can’t talk to you about anything else, they’ll just stop talking to you unless they totally have to. Whatev. Screw those ungrateful people and whatever their issues are. YOU’RE. GETTING. MARRIED.
8. You Flake and Use Wedding Planning as an Excuse
You actually said you would come grab drinks after work and everyone basically slipped into a coma and died from a state of shock. But they all came back to life when you jumped in the group text to say that something came up and that something is dealing with the dove or butterfly release decision at your ceremony. You now have to take the time to revive your fiance after hitting him with your car because the doves needed to be ordered yesterday. If they don’t understand, then they aren’t your real friends anyway and you can get new ones...but after the wedding BECAUSE YOU’RE BUSY!
9. You Have 99 Problems, They’re All About Your Wedding So Fuck Everyone Else’s Issues
Your fiance can’t get his tuxedo ordered on time. Your DJ doesn’t respond to the 50 emails you send a day to discuss your first dance song. Your mom hates your future mother-in-law. Basically, your entire world is collapsing and you are simply too exhausted by it all. You’re just about ready to elope (except not really because then you wouldn’t be able to complain anymore and where’s the fun in that?).
So your best friend’s fiance called off their engagement and your sister’s dog died. These are all issues that can be handled after your wedding to end all weddings and people need to stop bothering you with petty shit. Doesn’t anybody understand what you are going through right now and how totally unfair your life is and how nothing good ever happens to you? Cut those selfish heathens out of your life and tell them to mute their problems until you say so.
10. You Can’t Remember the Last Time You Said “Thank You”....
.....But you can remember the last time you said “fuck you” and you can justify it too. Besides, what do you have to be thankful for? A relationship with someone that wants to spend eternity with you? Friends that want to stand by your side on the big day? Love?
Psst. Whatever. You’re stressed and if one more person tells you to be thankful for what you have, you’re going to throat punch them. So go do your thing and don’t worry your pretty princess head about anyone else right now. You’re not a bridezilla, you’re just misunderstood.
Keep telling yourself that.
