We're a month into the new year, and all those drunken promises to pull yourself together, start caring about personal hygiene, stop living off of Ho-Hos exclusively have fallen as flat as the Korbel still sitting half-empty in the back of your fridge. What you need is the kind of change that takes no concerted effort, money, or real intentions of self-betterment. What you need is your best beard ever.
Find where you fit in below and sit back and grow accordingly.
Your Favorite (Creepy) Grandpa
Thick, bristling, perfectly trimmed mustaches don't just happen, at least not to just anybody. Like the shape of the bumps on your head, the shape of your mustache indicates innate personal characteristics. If it follows the Wilford Brimley bell-shaped pattern, you are, and always will be, a (sorta creepy) grandpa at heart, maybe a chubby cop en route. You can run a razor over it, but you can't hide -- so embrace it, and buy some Werther's.
They wear serious hats, they drive charming buggies, and man do the Amish grow them some beards. If the pants under the Williamsburgers' uniform plaid shirts weren't so godlessly tight, you'd swear they must have grown up on the farm. Best option for the extremely lazy or those going through withdrawal symptoms.
Not all of us can grow a full, majestic face-halo, but don't let that stop you -- the Hair-and-there is an every(wo)man's beard. Just don't pluck eyebrows or stray mole hairs, miss a waxing appointment or two, and try to appear in lights that mimic those 5 o'clock shadows you so desperately crave. Celebrity fans include Zac Efron and Dame Judy Dench.
The Full-on Wolfman
Feral children aren't just an attraction for the Ringling Brothers anymore! The wolfman is a serious commitment, not for the weak of heart (or the weak of hair), but the payoff is huge -- just look how much bigger Harrison Ford's head looked before he found that razor in The Fugitive!
Nothing says "keep your kids away" like a penciled-in-looking few inches of lip-fuzz. Often seen on the totally-post-pubescent teen crowd, the Molestache is sure to turn heads...furtively, before they pull phones out to call for help. Ahh, the power of facial hair.