Having children is over rated. Happy Mother’s Day!
The idea is you raise your kids until they’re 18 and it’s over. No, it isn’t. It’s never over because your those kids become your parents when they grow up.
My children are grown and I’d love to get over them, but I can’t. They’re my children, but I don’t understand my sons any more than I understand the man I married and the men I’ve loved. I look at my boys and wonder how they actually grew up without me because they claim I didn’t cook, they were latch key kids, and I never took them to Hawaii at Christmas. Most of the time I can’t even talk to my adult children.
A few weekends ago I was visiting one of my son and daughter-in-law s in Las Vegas, the elder son (it makes no difference), and their 3 boys, my three grandchildren. The weekend assault was over and he was driving me to the airport. I was exhausted.
“You were really good this weekend, mom,” he said. I was thinking how often I put tape over my mouth and didn’t say what I was thinking during the weekend. The whining, the thumb sucking, the coddling, not eating, the candy, the sugar highs. Punching each other at meal time.
“Really, I was good?” I said to him like one of his children desperately wanting approval. “Did I get an A this visit? Usually, I’m pulling Ds or even Fs.
Here’s how it works in the adult children’s world: The adult children get to confront their parents no matter what age. They tell me I overstepped my boundaries if I say what I think. Yet, it ‘s perfectly okay to attack me. Family management is not necessarily a democracy.
I wouldn’t think of talking to my parents the way my boys talk to me. I didn’t respond to my mother even as an adult when she criticized me for just about everything I did. I once wore a mid-skirt with boots and she went apoplectic. On her deathbed, she still had to comment on what I was wearing? “Why are wearing a tee shirt in the middle of winter?” she asked me. She had no idea it was 105 in the house. She was bundled up like a snow bunny.
I spent a year in therapy to sort out the complicated nuances of being a parent to an adult children. I was curious as to why my adult children, and maybe others in the boomer generation, felt the need to parent or criticize their parents. My therapist said: “It has nothing to do with you. It’s their adult issues that come out and spill onto you, your behavior, activities and life style, which they may or may not approve of. Your sons have issues. Probably you ex-husband is even complicit and influences your sons in a variety of unconscious ways.”
When we attempt to sort out family issues regarding adult children/parent relationships, we walk a fine line. We certainly have to practice mindfulness in all aspects of the family dynamic. And parents have to practice not speaking the first thought that comes to mind. The first thought comes from judgment and it usually becomes the subject of confrontation.
It’s approaching summer now and we’ll all encounter the family outings and vacations. Let’s see how parents of adult children can better understand and emotionally cope with the energetic dynamic of family communication.
Here are a few suggestions to think about:
1. Possess situational awareness: Make sure you understand the dynamic of the environment before you speak. Note who is controlling the conversation, who is adversarial and who is amenable or conciliatory. Steer clear of the angriest person or the person who always must be right and win the argument.
2. Try not to label or judge: Everyone judges – constantly, as in all the time. It’s human nature to judge, and, when it comes to our families, we judge more than ever. Step back and try to understand the innuendos and subtleties of the argument. Or better yet, be aware of the underlying meaning or subtext of what is being said. It is possible that the object of attack is not necessarily the one being attacked.
3. Verbally engage as little as possible: Throughout the years that my adult children got married and had children, I can’t possible count the number of squirmishes and outright brawls we have all encountered. Of course, they pale in terms of the joys we have all experienced. When times are good with us all, they are truly amazing. I have finally learned to almost eradicate the quick and sometimes destructive responses that I have made when emotions flare up. And finally it feels good not to engage in the situation. Of course, one or the other son usually elicits my opinion. That’s when I leave the room.
Working on adult children and parental problems is not easy or simple. It takes a strong dose of mindful awareness to even practice the skills that will make family dynamics reside in a reasonable atmosphere where everyone is respected and loved.
Joan Moran is a keynote speaker, commanding the stage with her delightful humor, raw energy, and wealth of life experiences. She is an expert on wellness and is passionate about addressing the problems of mental inertia. A yoga instructor and an Argentine tango dancer, Joan is the author of 60, Sex, & Tango, Confessions of a Beatnik Boomer. Her new book, I’m The Boss of Me! Stay Sexy, Strong & Smart at Any Age, is now on Amazon.
Visit her website: www.joanfrancesmoran.com
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