Have you ever sat quietly and done some introspection? After the introspection, you realize, you have to take responsibility for the choices you made.
During my soul searching, I cried, laughed, felt all the anger and hurt, and I even wanted revenge. At the end of it, I realized I had to take responsibility for the role I played in all of my relationships. It was time to stop blaming others and acting like a victim. I was a volunteer in the choices I made, but my choices had come from places of hurt, betrayal, rejection, frustration, anger, maybe even jealousy. They had just been unhealthy. Time and again, I had chosen to stay in a situation that was not beneficial to me. I could say the others had put me there, but I knew that wasn't the truth.
The truth -- my truth -- was that I had chosen to be everything to everybody and nothing to myself. I had decided what my ex-boyfriends needed and I gave them that, leaving nothing for myself. I could clearly see it was all about me, not anyone else. It was time to give notice that I was on a quest to uncover me and show people how to treat me.
The first thing I had to do was take responsibility for seeking out men who I thought were looking for someone to take care of them. It was easy to take care of them, because I did not trust them to take care of me -- not the way I wanted to be taken care of. I wore the "mother pants" in most of my relationships. If he had baggage, I was his baggage carrier.
I pretended I was bossy and didn't want anything from a man, but that was a lie. I wanted him to love me and treat me like a queen. I wanted to be vulnerable and sexy. I just didn't allow myself to relinquish my control. Now I was asking, control of what? All I could answer at this point was "everything."
I hadn't realized how much time and energy I had spent trying to control everything. As I started to relinquish control, my shoulders felt lighter, I was beginning to release the baggage. My goal was to stop settling for a mediocre, ordinary life, and to find the exceptional and extraordinary life that I now knew was within my reach. It was time to make a move, for the first time in a very long time. It made me a little nervous to think of going out there without my "control freak" self, with no control, I thought, over what would happen next. Each time I felt that way, I decided I would be okay as long as I focused on trusting God.
Do you ever feel like you have to be in control of everything and everyone? Have you ever thought about all the energy you expend trying to control everything? Has someone ever disappointed you? How did you feel when they disappointed you? How did you feel when someone betrayed your trust? Did you ever say: if I could just move on with my life, I'd be okay? How much baggage from the past are you carrying around?
Here is my challenge to you: I challenge you to take a stand for yourself, know that you deserve better than what you are experiencing. It's time to make yourself a priority. How do you do that? Start putting YOU first. Every day, set time aside for yourself, even if it is five minutes. Schedule time to be with YOU.