As I sat on the floor sobbing heavily wanting an answer for the shit storm I found myself at the center of, I realized that my life is a huge mess.
The mess felt like a room where everything had been ransacked and there was no space to ground my feet. The mess, which I have named as my divine storm, at the time felt so unbearable. A deep hole that I couldn't get myself out of.
For years I struggled with depression and suicide. I was in a deep hateful relationship with myself. I had no direction after I told my father I didn't want to become a doctor, which only constrained our relationship even more, I graduated college with a GPA that I wasn't proud of, I ended a relationship in the most immature way possible and broke the guy's heart, I had no money and not a single job prospective for six months after graduating college. I was completely broke both literally and internally.
This was over five years ago and that was the last time I thought seriously about killing myself. I couldn't muster up the courage to do it and a nagging voice always interjected saying "keep going". I couldn't shut it up, so I just listened to it.
I demanded an answer from God and said if I am going to be here, then what the hell am I here for because so far this place sucks!
Days later I stumbled upon the book You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay. I took that book as a sign from God telling me to go this way.
I wasn't fully on board yet, but it was always in the back of my mind.
At the beginning of 2012, I got a job making $8.96 an hour with a college degree. It heavily impacted my ability to receive money. I thought I was worthless and didn't deserve money because of my shitty gpa. I related my ability to earn money with the number of my gpa. Since my gpa bluntly told me I wasn't smart that meant that I wasn't worthy of deserving money. All because of this belief that the smarter you are, the better the gpa you have, the more money you can make.
Breaking through that belief took me a long time, but it doesn't have power over me anymore. I am smart and I am worthy of making all the money I want. So are you.
From 2012 onwards, I fully immersed myself in the world of self-help and spirituality. It became my life and I CHOSE to live a better quality of life. It all lead me to where I am today. Living with purpose, passion, happiness, fulfillment, joy and love. I just celebrated my 27th birthday in Hawaii - a dream I've had since I was 16 years old.
If you're in a mess right now - you will get out of it. It's here to show you your light! Where there is darkness - there is always light. It just takes a shift in our awareness from the dark to the light.
Your mess is your message.
You can live a life you deeply love.
In this video I explain how your mess becomes your message:
Begin here and answer this question:
Can I love the parts of myself that I hate?
Only with love can you love your way into loving yourself. Hating yourself will NEVER allow you to feel good. If you are SERIOUS about feeling good, then begin to LOVE WHO YOU ARE RIGHT NOW.
One of my favorite affirmations to say as I look in the mirror: I deeply love and accept you.
One of my favorite practices is to write love letters to myself. I wrote a love letter to myself for 30 days and it dramatically changed my ability to receive my own love. I created 30 prompts for 30 days of The Love Letter Project, you can grab your copy here.
I love you. You matter. I believe in you.
My website: http://www.kajalpandey.com