Your Phone Just Buzzed (And It's a Text Message From Your Therapist)

Your phone just buzzed, and it's a text message from your therapist. She just wants to--calendar emoticon--confirm your 5:30 appointment on Tuesday. Will you be there?

Yes, you, futon girl. Will you put some goddamn pants on and be there?

Your phone just buzzed, and it's a text message from your therapist. She just wants to say how--purple-heart emoticon--happy she is that you will, in fact, put the pint of Ben and Jerry's Cake Batter ice cream down and be there.

Your phone just buzzed, and it's a text message from, you guessed it, your therapist! She just wants to tell you to--snowman emoticon, snowflake emoticon--"enjoy the snow." Never mind your seasonal depression. That's irrelevant.

Have you put your pants on yet?

Your phone just buzzed, and it's a text message from your therapist. She just wants to follow-up with you to make sure you got those Bach Flower Remedies and to see if they were--sunflower emoticon, tulip emoticon, rose emoticon, daisy emoticon, orchid emoticon--effective. Well? Were they? Was Edward Bach successful in his mission? Did his remedies re-harmonize your soul?

Your phone just buzzed, and it's a text message from your therapist. She'd really just like to wish you a--sun emoticon, sunglasses face emoticon--beautiful morning. Not a beautiful afternoon or night--a beautiful morning.

Did you feel that? Your phone just buzzed, and it's a text message from your therapist. Were you taken aback when you read her emoticon-less text message about her having to reschedule your next appointment? Of course you were.

You've had a long day and you think, "Hey why not treat myself to a much-needed nap?" and then BZZZZZZZZ! Your phone just buzzed, and it's a subsequent text message from your therapist. Well? Aren't you going to go check it? What's taking you so long?

"How about--prayer emoticon--February--prayer emoticon--the 21st--prayer emoticon?"

Unfortunately, the day she wants to reschedule for conflicts with the premiere of House of Cards season 3. So, you respectfully decline and "would like to--prayer emoticon reschedule--prayer emoticon--for a less hectic, more insignificant day"--prayer emoticon.

Your phone just buzzed, and it's a text message from your therapist. She just wants to express her excitement that you two have successfully rescheduled--twin ballerina girls emoticon.

Your phone just buzzed, and it's a text message from your therapist. She just wants to remind you that you--dollar sign emoticon, caterpillar emoticon, snail emoticon--owe her some money from last week's session--$70 dollars to be exact. Had you forgotten?

Your phone just buzzed, and it's a text message from your therapist. You actually owe her $80 dollars--smiley face emoticon. Perhaps you should consider spending less on drinks and more on things that matter? I know what you're thinking, and allow me to rightfully rephrase: perhaps you should consider spending less on drinks and more on things that matter more? They do exist, you know.

Your phone just buzzed, and it's a text message from your therapist. She just wants to let you know that she'll be on--martini emoticon, wave emoticon, bathing suit emoticon--vacation in the Bahamas for three weeks with her partner, but says she frequently FaceTimes with her patients, if that's something you might be interested in. Are you interested in staring at her sun-kissed face on the beach while she sips her dreamy piña colada? Would that make you feel better about yourself? It'll only cost you the same $200 dollars you usually pay for a regular "NormalTime" session.

Your phone just buzzed, and it's a text message from your therapist. She just wants to let you know that she's having an even better time on vacation than she was the last time you two talked a few hours ago--party emoticon, balloon emoticon, princess emoticon. But enough about her, she says. "How are you doing? How's your weather, your work?

Your phone just buzzed, and--believe it or not--it's a text message from your therapist. She just wants to let you know that she's back from her sunny sojourn, and is available when you need her. She also asks you if you used your phone less while she was away, as you two had previously discussed--girl making an X with her arms emoticon, cell phone emoticon.

"For reasons I cannot fully explain," you reply--crazy face emoticon, chick coming out of its shell emoticon.

Your phone just buzzed, and it's a text message from your therapist. She wants to reiterate how proud of you she is that you're using your phone less and "freeing your mind from others"--girl getting a head massage emoticon, thumbs up emoticon. "How do you plan to continue on the path of such positive change--girl dancing in red dress emoticon?" she asks.

You say nothing.

Your phone just lit up the entire Kips Bay movie theatre, and it's a text message from your therapist. "Didn't hear back from you--ghost emoticon, sleepy face emoticon--are you all right?"

Well? Are you going to respond and piss off more people than you already have? Your therapist is worried about you and wants a reply.

"In a movie. Will text later--no phones allowed emoticon," you say courteously.

A phone lights up, but it isn't yours, thank God. It's your therapist's who is sitting to your left a few seats.

Your phone just lit up and it's a text message from your therapist. "No way! Me, too! What movie?"