Your Sex Life: The Question You're Not Asking and Need To

Impaired person having sex in the bed.
Impaired person having sex in the bed.

So, How's your sex life?

Seems blunt. Maybe it is. But it is THE question, right?

And yet, when's the last time you asked it or answered it? (One-word answers don't count.)

It's a powerful and important question in friendship.

When I was deeply struggling in a long-term relationship that I just couldn't figure out how to end, I thought I was terrified of this question. Then a friend had the courage to ask me, how's your sex life? I immediately realized that actually I wasn't scared of the question. In fact I was craving it. Because it was asked with kindness and genuine care for me, the question finally allowed me the opportunity to share safely that the relationship was sexless. It still took me time to exit that relationship because there wasn't sex but there was love. However, I will always remember that conversation as a true turning point in helping me see that I couldn't go on as I was. I am so thankful for receiving the question -- that he asked it and that he truly listened to the answer. (Yes, great male friends can ask these questions too!)

Admittedly, now that I have O'actually, I have a bit of a free pass with such discussions. When I meet new people and they discover what I do, it's remarkable and beautiful how much they want to share! People open up and reveal vulnerable truths about their sex lives surprisingly quickly. Proving a ubiquitous craving for such conversations. If it's been awhile since you asked and were asked about your sex life, now is the time.

How is your sex life?

Start with yourself.

Take a moment -- or better yet, lots of moments! -- and give yourself the permission to answer honestly. What's amazing? What's challenging? What desires aren't yet being met? Then, feel the power and release that comes from sharing the answer. Pass that gift along and ask the question with an open heart to a dear friend. I am so excited to hear about how it brings you closer together. I'm extra keen to cheer you on as you experience how this type of open truthful sharing leads to improving your sex lives.

Blame me.

Still think that maybe she'll take it the wrong way or that you'll only get a one word answer or a self deprecating joke? It's all good. Just blame me. What I mean by that is O'actually and I are always here for the needed, "Well I only ask because I am following a site that brought this up, so I wondered what you thought?"

How is your sex life? v How is the sex? (An important note on semantics.)

These are actually two very different questions. Asking about her sex life allows for a deep, rich reveal. Nothing is off the table for this question because you are talking about how sex fits into her life. Everything from long commutes to financial stress to kiddos in the home to the actual sex itself can and do affect ones sex life. Whereas asking about only the sex is likely to narrow the conversation, ask about her sex life and the conversion will be deep and expansive.