Photo Credit: Steph Grant, www.stephgrantphotography.com
Everywhere you look, sex abounds. But when it comes to sex ed, it can be hard to come by. The same is true for love and relationships. Real advice for real people is not always easy to find. So that's why I'm doing a monthly Q&A via Facebook Messenger with The Huffington Post.
You ask the questions, I'll give you the answers. And, with any luck, you'll have the info you need to have the happy and healthy relationships you've been longing for when it comes to all things love and sex!
Below are a few of the questions I received during this month's Q&A. Questions and answers have been lightly edited for clarity.
Q: I'm a 25-year-old female in a committed relationship. But, I can only reach a clitoral orgasm. I've never experienced one through vaginal penetration. Is there something wrong with me? What am I missing?
A: 99 to 100 percent of women do not come from penetration. Coming from penetration alone is VERY unusual. Women NEED external clitoral stimulation. That is where the action is!! Asking how to come without using the organ designed to make you come is like asking how to eat without using your mouth! So using his hands or yours or using a toy during penetration is perfect! My new book talks ALL about this. Nothing is wrong with you or how you're having sex. The vaginal orgasm is a HUGE and dangerous myth. The clit is where it's at! Give it the attention it needs and deserves and you'll be enjoying delicious orgasms for years to come!!
Q: Being military, I have a hard time trying to find a good woman to be in a relationship with. Is online dating or going to a bar/club my best bet? Have tried both and still single. Thanks for any advice you can give.
A: That is one of life's greatest mysteries. Both of them can work and both can fail. I think one of the best methods is to meet someone through mutual friends. Beyond that, doing activities you love can be a great way to meet women who do and love those same activities. My best piece of advice is to put yourself out there in all of these possible ways and be patient. The right partner is out there and she is definitely worth waiting for!
Q: I cheated on my significant other. And told him what I did. I did this because a year ago I had an abortion. And I have not felt myself since. Our sex life dwindled after that. And I felt like he didn't see me anymore. And I was too ashamed to talk to him about my feelings. We live together and have a life together. And I want to make things work. But I don't know what to do. He's so shut off and most of the time says there is no future for us. So how do I fix it? Other than not leaving and being patient while he heals. What can I do?
A: It's a hard situation to be sure. You mentioned being too ashamed to share your feelings. The truth is that the only way to make this relationship work is to share your feelings. It will be hard. And there may be more hurt feelings to come. But the only way to move forward is to both share your feelings openly and honestly. All of it. All the pain. All the truth. All of it. If it fails after that, the relationship wasn't meant to be. But if it does work, it just might be the closest, most rewarding relationship ever! Best of luck to you both!
Q: I have been with my girlfriend for about 6 months now and we have sex fairly regularly and are both satisfied. I get off every time, but she does not necessarily. She says it is okay, but in the back of my head I feel I can or should do more to make her experience more pleasurable. Is there anything as a guy that I can do to maximize her experience on the times she may not have an orgasm? Thanks!
A: You are a great partner to ask that! Most women don't come solely from penetration. The best bet is the blended orgasm, which for most women involves vaginal penetration, external clitoral stimulation, and anal play -- if you're up for it! You can use toys, fingers, tongue... whatever works for you!
Q: I used to have a huge libido but since I gained a lot of weight, the thought of sex makes me feel uncomfortable. I'm not a prude in any way, so it's only about the fact that I end up picturing myself doing it when the topic of sex comes up and it makes me think "ew." I feel like because I'm fat, I'm ugly and gross. I don't feel that way about other women who are overweight, just myself. Am I just doomed to be sex-averse until I lose the weight? If I ever do lose it.
A: First things first. There is nothing ugly or gross about you. I don't know you. But I do know that. You are not your weight. And women's bodies -- all women's bodies -- are beautiful and are worthy of love and passion and respect and -- yes! -- satisfying sex. It's time to change the tape in your head in the old fashioned, fake it till you make it, kind of way. Whenever you find yourself thinking or saying mean things about your body, stop. Then replace that with a new mantra. Maybe -- I love my body. My body is beautiful. I have every right to enjoy great sex. Or something like that. Repeat it all the time. Shut down all negative thoughts immediately. Before you know it, you'll believe it and great sex will be yours again. If you want to lose weight or you need to for health reasons, go for it! In the meantime, there's no reason not to enjoy great sex!
Q: I have been a close friend with this guy for like 2 years. Recently he told me about his feelings towards me, the feelings were mutual. When we were making out for the first time, he told to keep it a secret. When I asked him why, he said he wants us to be friends with benefits. I was shocked at first, but later I accepted it, thinking he would change his mind later. It's been 4 months now since we started being FWB. I never complained but lately I've started overthinking the whole thing. I feel like I'm wasting my time with this guy, who's my close friend, instead of being with someone who will want me for who I am, not the FWB thing. I don't know what to do. Please any advice.
A: Want my honest opinion? Tell this guy goodbye. He told you what he wanted from the start. He doesn't deserve you. At all. He is a complete waste of time unless you are enjoying the relationship. Otherwise, it's time to go and find someone who loves and adores and wants all of you!
Q: I've been dating someone for about a month and he's really sweet, kind, we have a lot in common... however, he's lost a lot of weight in the last year and has huge body image issues. He's now pretty thin but still hates how he looks and talks a lot about how he probably has a low-key eating disorder, etc. I am not a thin lady but I have a lot of self confidence and I feel great about my body. All of it! But lately, all his talk about how fat he is is making me feel really awful about myself. What do you recommend I do? Is this something I can talk to him about? I can't continue to spend time with someone who makes me feel this bad, even if he does it unintentionally.
A: This is a great question. I am thrilled that you love your body. Every woman should! The only thing to do is talk to him. If talking to you isn't enough, he should probably seek professional help. Eating disorders are not to be taken lightly. If you do not feel safe or comfortable or happy or his bad messaging is beginning to affect you, you have to go. Taking care of yourself is number one and you deserve to feel safe and adored and respected. All the best to you both!
Many of the questions I get are about improving female orgasm or about the ways women can - and can't - orgasm. You can find all the ins and outs (no pun intended) in my new book - O Wow: Discovering Your Ultimate Orgasm.
Look for my next Q&A in April on HuffPost Women's Facebook page!