"Was just informed by our youngest that she no longer likes grilled cheese, so there goes 95% of my weekly meal planning."
"One of life's greatest mysteries is why Shaggy ate Scooby snacks too."
"I hope to someday be as confident as my 3-year-old who thinks she’s having fruit snacks for breakfast."
"If you wondered how my weekend is going, I had to make a rule for no corndogs in the bathroom."
"Whoever named them 'amusement parks' never took their kids to one."
"Welcome to parenthood. Your full-time job is now putting throw pillows back on the couch."
"The first day of school is singlehandedly keeping the tiny chalkboard industry alive."
"My kids are mad because I took them to the beach all day and bought them ice cream, but I never let them do anything fun."
"No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom."
"You’re not really a parent until you have a large dent in your refrigerator."
"Has anyone ever bought your kid a whistle? You might be entitled to financial compensation."
"When you mindlessly cut your kid's sandwich into squares instead of triangles and your whole world collapses around you."
"One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal."
"Welcome to summertime parenting: YOUR KIDS WANT SNACKS AGAIN."
"One fun thing about kids is that when you tell them to wash their hands, you have to specify 'with soap.'"
"Planning a family vacation is mostly just making sure the hotel has a pool."
"Laughing at a child’s joke is a great way to hear that exact same joke 8,000 more times."
"Parenting is 25% talking about poop and 75% yelling about shoes."
"There’s nothing more condescending than a 4yo correcting you while they’re in the middle of making up a story."
"Well, the toddler throws the restaurant's food on the floor too, so at least I know it's not my cooking."