"I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best."
"'This could’ve been an email' — me at my daughter’s recital."
"62% of parenting is improvisational theatre."
"Welcome to parenthood. You just stepped in a puddle. Inside your house."
"Dropping my daughter off at camp and she’s a little anxious. Told her to find the biggest camper and start a fight to establish dominance."
"Just met a 1 year old named Barbara. Didn’t know they were doing that!"
"'Why don't you ever tweet nice stuff about your kids?' asked my idiot daughter."
"It’s not a family hike unless a child refuses to walk."
"Being a parent means saying things like, 'Thank you for sharing my water with me.'"
"I pointed out a fire truck to my coworker on our drive, and I think I need to spend less time with my children."