"My toddler loves pizza and loves bagels so I figured I'd notch an easy win and make him his first pizza bagel and holy s**t I've never been so wrong in my life."
"I told my kids to go to bed so naturally they are performing a musical."
"Ruin your teenager's day by looking in their general direction."
"My kid told me one of his teachers was born in 2000 and why would he say something so hurtful."
"Take your kids to visit a new place with lots of things to see so they can complain about the snacks at the hotel."
"Sorry there are 26 kids in your daughter’s class and Valentines come in boxes of 24."
"If you were my 2-year-old, where would you hide your brother's brand new passport?"
"Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups"
"My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don't know how to drive themselves anywhere."
"Thoughts and prayers. My child who jokes nonstop about the planet Uranus has recently learned about the country of Djibouti."
