"Apparently I’m the only person in my home who knows the recipe for ice cubes."
"Today’s tantrum is brought to you by the fact that I dared to give my daughter Anna’s braids when she clearly wanted Elsa’s."
"You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months."
"I’m just a mom, standing in the shower, praying her toddler doesn’t find her."
"Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother."
"Hell hath no fury like a Mom who can't access Netflix."
"It’s funny how much energy my children have until I tell them it’s time to take a bath."
"I just had to run my daughter a second bath because the first, and I quote, had a hair in it."
"Your toddler is sooooo cute! - People not cleaning up after him."
End the year with a laugh.
"My kids are the reason I breathe; they’re also the reason I swear, cry, yell, and eat waaay more carbs than I probably should."
"One good thing about having kids is when you screw up dinner, now you have more people to tell you."
"Sometimes I like to live dangerously by putting ketchup on my kid’s dinner plate without asking where they would like it first."
"You don’t know what stress is until you watch your 2 year old try to spread cream cheese on a bagel."
"My husband and I decided we don't want to have children. We will be telling them tonight."
"The parenting books don’t tell you you’re going to go broke buying reusable water bottles for your kid to lose."
"My toddler sips medicine with the same fervor and delight as a connoisseur savoring a fine 18yo scotch."
"I’m less of a 'Don’t say that' mom and more of a 'Don’t say that at school' mom."
"If you don’t count down the last couple of hours before bedtime, I want whatever you’re having."
"Have kids so you always have someone to point out how long your nose hairs are while standing in checkout lines."