"Well, the toddler throws the restaurant's food on the floor too, so at least I know it's not my cooking."
"'Sleep when the baby sleeps' is great advice if you can drive with your eyes closed."
"When my kids ask me what my favorite animal is, I tell them they are."
"It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty."
"Why is it called bribing your child and not kid pro quo?"
"Gave our three-year-old an ice cream cone and now everything within a square mile is sticky."
"Parenting is complaining bitterly about someone leaving only crumbs in the near-empty Cheezit box, then eating the crumbs anyway."
"Each year, the average toddler spends over four thousand hours sleeping and roughly the same amount of time picking out pajamas."
"Think you’re laid back and easygoing? Let a toddler pour their own drink."
"The first hour of getting your kids dressed for school is always the toughest."
"I can raise kids just fine, but keeping plants alive that only need to be watered once a month is apparently out of my reach."
"The first rule of parent club is you never tell anyone that you're going to the bathroom."
"No parenting book tells you how to get pudding out of the charging port of an iPad."
"When you have kids, a three-day weekend is nothing but a painful reminder of what you've lost."
"Parent Russian roulette is when your child says 'look what I can do' and you reply 'that’s great' without even looking."
"My vision board is just a picture of me sleeping."
"57% of parenting is trying to figure out why the floor is sticky."
Decluttering a house full of kids' stuff can be rough.
"I live in fear of the things I may have agreed to while absent-mindedly saying 'uh-huh' to my kids."
"When I was a kid, the only password you had to remember was the one that got you into the treehouse."