"Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a s**tuation."
"Playing board games with your kids and deliberately trying to lose so it ends quicker is a parenting art form"
"Got to my daughter’s elementary school an hour early so I could be 12th in line for pickup."
"Today is school picture day so my kids wore their favorite toothpaste on their shirts."
"Grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings."
"Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day."
"Dining out with kids is a great way to practice talking in angry whispers"
"My kids’ superpower is using 24 different cups in a day to drink 3 cups of water."
"If you’re not 12 hours early then are you even going to the movies, airport, party, or show with a dad?"
"Welcome to parenting. You have now become Kid’s Name’s Mom in everyone’s phone."