Best Parenting Tweets

"I’d rather hear my toddler say the F-word than 'Again!'"
"Made the grievous mistake of laughing at my 5yo’s joke so now I must hear that joke repeatedly until I die."
"Listening to my [9-year-old] talk is exactly like watching an episode of drunk history."
"Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor."
"Flex on your toddler by saying they are three years old instead of three and a half."
"Have kids so that you can see your dogs running around your house wearing your only clean bras."
"I said Alexa three times and she didn’t respond so she’s family now."
"Nobody cares more about proper hydration than a kid who’s just been kissed goodnight."
"What am I binge watching? A f**king toddler. You?"
"Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences."