"Been telling people 'sorry he’s really drunk' when my kid acts like an a**hole in public and everyone hates it"
"Parenting is sneaking in to kiss your kids when they’re asleep, and sneaking out to curse when they’re awake"
"'It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.' -- elementary schools"
"The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your s**t’ when my kid falls over a toy."
"8yo insisted she slept in a coffin at her sleepover. After a frenzied interrogation we finally landed on the right Google image. A cot. She forgot the word cot."
"Sleep when the baby sleeps, scream when the baby screams."
"Dads love saying, 'I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.'"
"Nothing ruins your favorite movie quite like watching it with your children."
"I don’t have a favorite child but if you were to go by the photos on my phone it’s the dog."
"My toddler loves pizza and loves bagels so I figured I'd notch an easy win and make him his first pizza bagel and holy s**t I've never been so wrong in my life."
