"She was rare, like an item of kid's clothing in the hamper that's not inside out.’"
"My teenager’s biggest fear is me sneezing in front of someone she knows."
"Every time a parent’s sleep is near, a thirsty child must first appear."
"No one is as obnoxiously well-behaved as a child whose sibling is getting yelled at."
"Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late."
"I’d rather hear my toddler say the F-word than 'Again!'"
"Made the grievous mistake of laughing at my 5yo’s joke so now I must hear that joke repeatedly until I die."
"Listening to my [9-year-old] talk is exactly like watching an episode of drunk history."
"Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor."
"Flex on your toddler by saying they are three years old instead of three and a half."