"I can raise kids just fine, but keeping plants alive that only need to be watered once a month is apparently out of my reach."
"The first rule of parent club is you never tell anyone that you're going to the bathroom."
"No parenting book tells you how to get pudding out of the charging port of an iPad."
"When you have kids, a three-day weekend is nothing but a painful reminder of what you've lost."
"Parent Russian roulette is when your child says 'look what I can do' and you reply 'that’s great' without even looking."
"My vision board is just a picture of me sleeping."
"57% of parenting is trying to figure out why the floor is sticky."
Decluttering a house full of kids' stuff can be rough.
"I live in fear of the things I may have agreed to while absent-mindedly saying 'uh-huh' to my kids."
"When I was a kid, the only password you had to remember was the one that got you into the treehouse."
"I wish I needed anything as badly as my kids need all of my attention the second I lock the bathroom door."
These tweets will likely keep you laughing through the new year.
"This holiday season, I wish you all the joy of my 9yo who received $25 in the mail from an aunt and danced around yelling 'I’m rich!'"
"Have children so that one day they will sit on your lap, stroke your face, and tell you that your chin feels like a stale muffin."
"My 6yo turned the game of Monopoly into a game of Risk by sneezing on the game pieces."
"Parenting is mainly just cleaning toothpaste off the bathroom sink."
Winter is coming, but "Frozen" can be a kid's obsession year-round.
"Children’s laughter is beautiful unless you’ve already put them to bed."
"My son's awfully confident for someone who's thrice tried eating potpourri thinking it was a fancy snack."
"A panic room, but for quickly shoveling all my family’s clutter into when guests stop by unexpectedly."