Best Parenting Tweets

"My 5 year old son just asked me how I know his name... I'm not in the mood today."
"My daughter brought a giant stack of plates and cups out of her room, saw that I was annoyed, and said 'should we just throw these away?'"
"My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds"
"Please keep my 10 yo in your thoughts and prayers this morning. He has to take a shower and it has 'ruined his life's plans.'"
"My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night."
"My kid told me the second line of the 'we love preschool' song is 'everybody’s having a glass,' and that does sound more fun than 'blast'"
"Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently."
"My wife and I didn’t renew our vows but we did solve our third grader’s math problem together."
"I asked my 14yo what an expression she used meant, and she started to tell me but then stopped and exasperatedly said 'Ugh, this is like explaining the world to a Pilgrim.'"
"One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase"