"Look I never said I was smart but I just picked up my phone absentmindedly, fully intending to text my dog."
"Never underestimate how many times your husband can do the exact same thing wrong."
"The first day of school is singlehandedly keeping the tiny chalkboard industry alive."
"My dentist hates when I call him a face gynecologist."
"My love language is bombarding those closest to me with links all day"
If anything positive has come out of the Presidential election race, it's the constant flow of 140-character-or-less gems.