dad tweets

"My kids are mad because I took them to the beach all day and bought them ice cream, but I never let them do anything fun."
"No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom."
"You’re not really a parent until you have a large dent in your refrigerator."
"Has anyone ever bought your kid a whistle? You might be entitled to financial compensation."
"When you mindlessly cut your kid's sandwich into squares instead of triangles and your whole world collapses around you."
"Planning a family vacation is mostly just making sure the hotel has a pool."
"Laughing at a child’s joke is a great way to hear that exact same joke 8,000 more times."
"Parenting is 25% talking about poop and 75% yelling about shoes."
"There’s nothing more condescending than a 4yo correcting you while they’re in the middle of making up a story."
"Well, the toddler throws the restaurant's food on the floor too, so at least I know it's not my cooking."
"'Sleep when the baby sleeps' is great advice if you can drive with your eyes closed."
"It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty."
"Why is it called bribing your child and not kid pro quo?"
"Gave our three-year-old an ice cream cone and now everything within a square mile is sticky."
"Parenting is complaining bitterly about someone leaving only crumbs in the near-empty Cheezit box, then eating the crumbs anyway."
"Each year, the average toddler spends over four thousand hours sleeping and roughly the same amount of time picking out pajamas."
"Think you’re laid back and easygoing? Let a toddler pour their own drink."
"The first hour of getting your kids dressed for school is always the toughest."
"I can raise kids just fine, but keeping plants alive that only need to be watered once a month is apparently out of my reach."
"The first rule of parent club is you never tell anyone that you're going to the bathroom."