It's been 3 weeks since his death and there is a new sadness that lives inside of me that feels like it will never fade away. It's as if my being has been permanently changed. The cells of my body are different. My organs feel different. And my heart physically aches inside of my chest.
You might think that knowing what I know about death, God, Love and the Afterlife that I might not grieve. But I do because grieving comes from loving. You grieve whom love. Love and grief come together although they arrive at different times. You can't have one without the other.
I had no idea what I wanted to do or be, and in many ways his passing felt like I was starting from scratch... like I had to relearn how to have Thanksgiving dinner or shop for Christmas gifts, blow out my birthday candles -- would I even want birthday candles again?
It's the holidays, a time for so much joy, laughter, relaxation, hot cocoa with marshmallows and also... loss. One of my favorite quotes about loss is by Kahlil Gibran: "The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain." I find this is never as true as holiday time.