funniest tweets

"Weird pregnancy craving of the day: Chinese food and mashed potatoes. At the same time."
"My kid told me he deserved more cheese and who am I to argue with that"
"sorry i was weird last night. it was to move the plot forward"
"Movie date night when you're married is spent passive aggressively turning up the volume on each other when the other chews too loudly."
"Look I never said I was smart but I just picked up my phone absentmindedly, fully intending to text my dog."
"Really enjoying my kids heated backseat argument regarding *checks notes* are ducks birds"
"my kid was struggling to put her shirt on and screamed 'this is UNACCEPTABLE!' like a teeny tiny CEO"
"The dmv be like you forgot to bring the Declaration of Independence"
"1st kid: Has 21 pictures of baby blinking. 2nd kid: Has one blurry picture of graduation day."
"The most realistic Harry Potter storyline is the one where he can’t handle that his girlfriend cries a lot"