funniest tweets

"I pointed out a fire truck to my coworker on our drive, and I think I need to spend less time with my children."
"I’ve forgotten how to talk to people in person. What do I do with my arms?"
"a vaccine but instead of fighting off disease it attracts dogs"
"'Maybe he lived somehow.'— me when a character is very very obviously dead"
"We have reached the point where my wife is buying Tupperware to store more Tupperware."
"if u have a cat tell them i said pspspsps"
"Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it."
"[to the bartender] whatever they put in lava lamps please."
"Every morning my cat wakes up and screams until somebody sits in the living room with him."