"Husband and I like to spend our weekends shouting, 'What did you say?!’ from another room."
"No one warned me that being an adult was mostly just hurrying up to get somewhere you don't want to go in the first place."
"Being an adult is saying 'I can't believe it's (x month) already' over and over and over until you die."
"Welcome to adulthood. Freezer space is now a commodity."
"One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal."
"One fun thing about kids is that when you tell them to wash their hands, you have to specify 'with soap.'"
"I'm at my absolute wildest when my wife's away and I realize I can have chicken fingers for breakfast."
"My 4-year-old called ice cubes 'water bricks,' and now I'll never call them anything else."
"My fav part of living alone is burning my mouth on a pizza bagel & spitting it onto the floor."
"A decoder ring, but for figuring out my kid’s math homework."
"Love is strong enough to move mountains but apparently not dishes from the sink to the dishwasher."
"Saying 'my battery is low and it’s getting dark' will now be how I exit any and all social events."
"When I was a kid, the only password you had to remember was the one that got you into the treehouse."
"This holiday season, I wish you all the joy of my 9yo who received $25 in the mail from an aunt and danced around yelling 'I’m rich!'"
"Who told men they could only buy dark maroon sheets?"
"My 6yo turned the game of Monopoly into a game of Risk by sneezing on the game pieces."
"Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse."
"My son's awfully confident for someone who's thrice tried eating potpourri thinking it was a fancy snack."
"Make your own weighted blanket by sleeping under your laundry."