funniest tweets

"I just think if I chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad."
"You can use chicken strips as money that is why they are called tender."
"Sure, childbirth is painful, but have you ever had your spouse talk about their day at work in excruciating detail?"
"There is no way to place my wife’s coffee order at Starbucks without feeling like I need to apologize afterwards."
"Every time I remember to floss I reward myself with another 3-4 months of not flossing."
"Does learning Tik Tok dances count as cardio? Asking for me."
"I'm not an avid reader of food magazines but if Toast On A Paper Towel Monthly ever comes out, yes, I'd like a subscription."
"Every time I try a new hairstyle it’s like playing Russian roulette with my happiness for the next 6 weeks."
"It’s funny how much energy my children have until I tell them it’s time to take a bath."