funniest tweets

Women
"Is it normal halfway through barre class to wish for death?"
Parenting
"You don’t know what stress is until you watch your 2 year old try to spread cream cheese on a bagel."
Parenting
"My husband and I decided we don't want to have children. We will be telling them tonight."
Women
"The wildest thing about 1999 was the number of us who were straight up angry not to be mentioned in Mambo No. 5."
Parenting
"I’m less of a 'Don’t say that' mom and more of a 'Don’t say that at school' mom."
Women
"I’ve never been held hostage, but I have gotten trapped in my own sports bra while getting undressed."
Women
"The phone camera arms race really overestimates the degree to which i want to see my own face in high definition."
Relationships
"Husband and I like to spend our weekends shouting, 'What did you say?!’ from another room."
Women
"No one warned me that being an adult was mostly just hurrying up to get somewhere you don't want to go in the first place."
Women
"Being an adult is saying 'I can't believe it's (x month) already' over and over and over until you die."
Women
"Welcome to adulthood. Freezer space is now a commodity."
Home & Living
Relaxation shouldn't be such a struggle.
Parenting
"One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal."
Parenting
"One fun thing about kids is that when you tell them to wash their hands, you have to specify 'with soap.'"
Relationships
"I'm at my absolute wildest when my wife's away and I realize I can have chicken fingers for breakfast."
Parenting
"My 4-year-old called ice cubes 'water bricks,' and now I'll never call them anything else."
Women
"My fav part of living alone is burning my mouth on a pizza bagel & spitting it onto the floor."
Parenting
"A decoder ring, but for figuring out my kid’s math homework."
Women
"Love is strong enough to move mountains but apparently not dishes from the sink to the dishwasher."
Women
"Saying 'my battery is low and it’s getting dark' will now be how I exit any and all social events."