marriage tweets

"Wives be like 'This will change everything' and it’s just installing a shelf in the garage."
"I love when my husband says, 'correct me if I’m wrong,' like I would pass up that opportunity."
"At the beach and my husband has made friends with the family next to us so now I have to file for divorce."
"So rude of my wife to not tell me about the school’s gift exchange event for which we both got multiple emails."
"I’m sorry for what I said when my husband put all my bras in the dryer."
"My husband and I made a deal that whoever gets out of bed first makes the coffee. I’ve been in bed with my eyes closed for 2 months."
"The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours."
"I wish my wife would be more like Jeff Bezos and step away from Amazon."
"Not to brag but my wife says I have an answer for everything."