marriage tweets

"Sent my husband to the store and then turned off my phone because it’s time to teach independence."
"Never underestimate how many times your husband can do the exact same thing wrong."
"I told my wife the grocery store didn’t have something she asked me to get and, for the first time ever, she believed me."
"Sorry we're late, my husband had to drive around the parking lot 5 times till he found a spot he liked."
"My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public."
"It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons."
"My wife’s favorite hobby is texting me a question and not reading the answer."
"It's not fair to say my wife holds a grudge. She has every right to be angry about that cabinet I left open six years ago."
"My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight."