What people pleasers should realize is that they face serious risks. They overcommit their time which creates emotional anxiety. People pleasers feel they have not been true to their feelings and then they become angry with themselves which creates internal stress.
A client recently called and asked for an urgent appointment alone. She and her husband have been seeing me primarily because of one potentially relationship-ending issue: "I'm sick and tired of being with a wimp!" she said.
I'm done counting points. I will eat the entire brownie. I will say no when I want to say no and try not to feel guilty about it.
I'm the one that jumps first and freaks later. But speaking my mind? Finally fessing up to all that was wrong in my life, being a voice for those who hadn't, wouldn't or couldn't? Now that was terrifying.
But the point remains. Halloween is here and somehow our own skeletons (in this case, our need for attention) tend to come out and demand -- I mean, command -- the spotlight. It is around this time of the year when we consciously or unconsciously become "hustlers" for attention.
No! It's a pretty scary word, right? It certainly is for me. It's like a well-placed "boo!" bursting through the darkness from an unseen corner. In fact, I find "no" so scary that that I often have difficulty saying it, and that's just where my problem begins.
Trying to solve your crappy self-worth through outside approval is a race you're always going to be running at half-speed. When the outside approval dies down, that's the discomfort you have to sit with. That's the "you" you have to learn to love.
Now, it's perfectly normal to gain recognition and satisfaction from being the only one who can solve a particular problem, but when the joy of the recognition quickly fades into resentment, stress or overwhelm, sorry -- you've become the hero at a great cost.