Tweets Of The Week
"No one told me being an adult would involve this much worry about my trash pickup days."
"If you don’t count down the last couple of hours before bedtime, I want whatever you’re having."
"Putting on and taking off a sports bra counts as exercise. Don’t @ me."
"Have kids so you always have someone to point out how long your nose hairs are while standing in checkout lines."
"I’ve never been held hostage, but I have gotten trapped in my own sports bra while getting undressed."
"My toddler is never more adorable than when we're playing hide and seek and he actually thinks I'm trying to find him."
"I have 80 unread emails and obviously the only solution is to chuck my computer into the sea."
"I can’t tell if this is my kid’s class roster or a list of the Instagram filters."
"The phone camera arms race really overestimates the degree to which i want to see my own face in high definition."
"Was just informed by our youngest that she no longer likes grilled cheese, so there goes 95% of my weekly meal planning."
"I showed a photo of J.Lo in 'Hustlers' to both my trainer and my financial advisor, so what I'm saying is, my body is ready."
"I hope to someday be as confident as my 3-year-old who thinks she’s having fruit snacks for breakfast."
"If you wondered how my weekend is going, I had to make a rule for no corndogs in the bathroom."
"Whoever named them 'amusement parks' never took their kids to one."
"Welcome to parenthood. Your full-time job is now putting throw pillows back on the couch."
"Being an adult is basically just lemon water and disappointment."
"My kids are mad because I took them to the beach all day and bought them ice cream, but I never let them do anything fun."
"Being an adult is saying 'I can't believe it's (x month) already' over and over and over until you die."
"No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom."
"You’re not really a parent until you have a large dent in your refrigerator."