Whether you’re 4 years old or 40 years old, holiday gatherings can be a lot to handle. There’s the stress of travel, the lack of daily routines, new environments and people.
And not to be Grinch-y, but there’s also the noise and the constant hustle and bustle to contend with.
While plenty of adults have learned to navigate the ups and downs (avoiding those uncomfortable political conversations at all costs), for children, some advance holiday guidance or a prep talk from parents may be in order.
“So many kids struggle during the holidays. Even too much of a good thing — like playing with cousins, eating sweets or watching favorite holiday movies — can overwhelm young nervous systems,” Melissa Schwartz, author and parenting coach for highly sensitive families at Leading Edge Parenting, told HuffPost.
“When children know what to expect and have tools ready for when it gets too loud, too busy, or just too much, they can actually enjoy the day rather than just survive it,” Schwartz added.
With that sage advice in mind (and in hopes of avoiding tearful meltdowns or drama), here are some of the topics to talk with kids about before the big holiday gatherings are upon us.
Tell them what they can expect.
Whether you’re visiting a family member’s home, heading to a friend’s party, or attending a gala event, set the scene in advance for your children.
Walk them through the details: Who will be in attendance? What will the day look like? You could even include preparing them for the sounds they might be exposed to, such as music or noisy plates clanging. Crowded rooms and loud sounds can be challenging for kids, particularly those who are sensitive or neurodivergent.
Providing details about what to expect in advance and setting expectations “helps children feel safe and reduces behavioral flare-ups that come from overwhelm, even when they’re out of their usual environment,” explained Schwartz.
Turn the classic ‘best behavior’ lecture into a learning experience on boundaries and polite conversation.
Rather than issuing a strict list of “dos and don’ts” or lecturing your kids about what’s appropriate to say or how to behave during holiday events, try reframing your talk to invite curiosity.
“You might say, ‘Sometimes family gatherings can feel exciting or overwhelming. If something feels uncomfortable, what could you do?’” said Amber Monroe, a licensed marriage and family therapist and founder of Healing Balance Therapy.
“This helps children learn to tune into their internal signals, like when they feel shy, overstimulated or unsure, and gives them permission to listen to those feelings,” added Monroe.
Let them know they have options for greeting people (and that they can say ‘no’ to hugs).
Are kisses and hugs OK when your children are greeting people? Or should they rely on fist bumps, elbow taps or handshakes? Do you differentiate when greeting relatives, friends or acquaintances? These are all factors to consider and discuss in advance.
“Children and teens are more comfortable and more socially sophisticated when they know what the expectations are ahead of time,” explained Sari Goodman, founder of The Parental Edge.
During this conversation, you can let children know they don’t have to hug others if they don’t feel comfortable doing so. Or give children permission to say “No, thank you.”
This normalizes “body boundaries and choice,” and reinforces autonomy, said Nicolle Osequeda, a licensed marriage and family therapist, owner, CEO and therapist with Lincoln Park Therapy Group.
Help them say both ‘yes’ and ‘no’ to the foods they’re offered.
What would the holidays be without food galore? Pies, cakes, cookies, appetizers and entrees of all manner. There’s typically so much food around, and such a diverse variety of indulgences, that it can be overwhelming for kids. Meaning this is another topic you may want to cover in advance.
“Discussions around food at holiday gatherings should focus on balance and body trust, not control,” explained Monroe. “This is a time to gently guide rather than dictate, helping your child feel both free and supported in their choices.”
In order to help kids navigate the abundance of things to eat, Monroe suggests saying something like: “There will be lots of fun foods today, some that help our bodies grow and some that are just for enjoyment. You get to have both.”
You may also want to rehearse some responses with your kids, modeling what they can say and do in real situations when they’re offered food at holiday events. For instance:
- “When grandpa insists you try something new, you can say, ‘No, thank you, maybe later.’ Or take a tiny bite if you’re curious.”
- “If someone offers you dessert before dinner, you can ask: ‘Can I check with my grown-up first?’ and we’ll decide together.”
- “When you’re not sure what your body wants, you can say, ‘I’ll take a little to see if I like it,’ or ‘I’m full right now, thank you.’”
Remind them that it’s always OK to take a break.
With all the activity and people associated with holiday gatherings, it’s easy to get overstimulated or just plain old worn out. It’s a reality that applies to adults and children alike. Let your child know that needing quiet time is part of healthy self-regulation, said Schwartz.
“Identify a calm spot in advance, such as a space in the house, outside or even the car, and agree on a signal they can use to ask for a reset,” Schwartz explained.
You might even establish a nonverbal signal in advance that a child can use to let a parent know when they’re ready for a break and want help. The signal could be a wink, a tug on your shirt or whatever is easiest for a child when they can’t find words to express their need for space.
Ditch the perfectionism and focus on connection.
Finally, it’s important to remember that the holidays are about reconnecting with friends and loved ones. They’re not meant to be a study in perfection and proper etiquette. Remind your child that family gatherings are about meaningful connection, not performance.
“It’s not about being on your best behavior every second, it’s about being kind, respectful, and real,” said Monroe, who suggests telling children: “You don’t have to be perfect. You just have to be yourself, and we can practice what helps you feel comfortable.”
Parents can indeed rehearse with children the best ways to handle the social moments that lie ahead. But most importantly, when kids know that connection is the goal, not model behavior, they’re freer to engage, take social risks, and enjoy the holiday season.