It has been said that death is a part of life, that life and death are inextricably intertwined. Many folks struggle with life and living as well as death, their own and the death of others.
Death in particular often comes as a surprise, unexpected, with an array of emotions.
I used to loathe speaking to my mother because every time we talked she would do the death roll-call. She was 76 years old when she died three years ago on October 25th.
I morn the third year of her passing simultaneously with celebrating her life, privately, and publicly via social media. Social media adds another dimension of how we deal with both life and death.
It is also said that death comes in threes, so today I am dealing with the anniversary of my mother’s death, the death of a friend, and the death of a stranger but allegedly at the hands of a friend I know.
I last saw my mother about three months before she passed. She was in a nursing home and had Alzheimer’s. Most of the time she recognized me but sometimes she thought I was my brother and sometimes she thought I was me at 11 years old.
It was a good visit, for 5 days, and I knew that would be the last time I saw her.
For most of my adult life after I came out to her as a lesbian at age 19, we had no interaction for years at a time. She was homophobic and would have preferred that I stayed closeted. Fortunately she was moved by an episode of Oprah that asked if one knew death was coming the next day, how would life be lived differently today. Her response was that she would have a relationship with me, her daughter.
We reconnected over death, the double funeral of my maternal grandmother and my aunt, my mother’s mother and sister. My mother met my now ex-wife and future co-parent and even though she refused to come to my pre Prop 8 wedding, she did visit us and stay with us for grandparent’s day for both of our children.
So we reconciled and had a relationship. I admire her for accepting me in life which in someways makes dealing with her death a tad bit easier.
Now for the friend, who was one year older than me. I learned of her death via social media about a week after she passed. I knew she had cancer, but didn’t know it was terminal. I was out of the country when I read about her death. Her services will be in mid-November and I hope to celebrate her life then.
I know everyone has to die, but it’s difficult to fathom when people my age or even younger die.
The third death was yesterday and it was of a stranger. A friend was arrested as a suspect in the stranger’s death and is in county jail being held without bail. I found out about the death from a mutual friend of the suspect. Subsequently it has been reported on widely in traditional and social media.
We deal with death of strangers all the time, usually public figures, this year Prince, Mohammed Ali, and most recently Tom Hayden. I didn’t personally know any of these people but knew of them and was impacted by their deaths.
I have spent most of the day with my friend, first attending an unrelated medical appointment with her and hanging out her as we both worked separately and discussed the plight of our friend in jail and more.
So I am brought back to how we deal with life and death. It used to be on both occasions we would immediately gather at someone’s home. Not communicating by phone, or text, or email, or social media, but in person.
So am glad to be spending time with my friend in her home and dealing with life and death. Even though this last death was of someone we didn’t know, our mutual friend is a suspect and as with all deaths we are trying to make sense of the senseless.
As some of us struggle with life and death, it is always good to remain connected in person, in real life.
It can be as simple as a version of sitting Shiva.
We can all do the basics in life and around death, even if it’s just to sit and be with one another and break bread.
Love matters in life and death.
Peace, love, compassion and blessings.