Gifts carry a lot of emotional weight, especially around the holiday season. There’s a lot of pressure to choose the right presents for people, but etiquette pros say the way we receive gifts also matters.
“The whole point of this season is to help each other be at peace, be happy and know the warmth of love and care for us by others in our lives,” August Abbott, an etiquette expert with the Q&A platform JustAnswer, told HuffPost. “Having someone give us something that they feel will make us happy is them backing their words of love and care for us up with action.”
But not everyone responds to gifts in a way that reflects that intention. Even well-meaning recipients can unknowingly say or do things that diminish that generosity.
HuffPost asked Abbott and other etiquette experts to share some common rude behaviors people display when receiving gifts. Read on for eight faux pas and what you should do instead.
Failing To Thank The Gift-Giver
“When receiving a gift, it is all about acknowledging the giver’s kindness,” said Jodi R.R. Smith, president of Mannersmith Etiquette Consulting. “The giftee should be focusing on the fact that someone thought well enough of them to mark the holiday or event.”
At minimum, there are two words you should say when someone gives you a gift: thank you.
“When someone is kind enough to give you a gift, your response should be a gracious ‘Thank you,’” Smith said.
She added that a formal thank you note or email after the fact is also a polite gesture.
“The person giving the gift, no matter what it is, took time out of their day and money out of their wallet to try to make you happy,” Abbott said. “You can put in the effort to buy some thank you notes, write a nice ‘thank you’ inside, put a stamp on it and send it out. You’ll stand out with this ― you’ll be in keeping with the oldest protocols of gift receiving. In other words, it’s just plain ‘classy.’”
Bringing Up The Cost
“Another faux pas to avoid is asking the price of the gift,” Vernon-Thompson said. “That is far too personal, and it can create discomfort for the giver.”
She emphasized that this information simply does not belong in the gift-giving conversation.
“Avoid mentioning the cost or expense in any way,” Smith echoed. “This is not ‘The Price Is Right.’”
Downplaying The Gesture
“A rude behavior is immediately downplaying the gesture,” Smith said, pointing to responses like “Oh, you shouldn’t have!” and “Why are you giving me a gift?”
These kinds of responses detract from the ultimate goal, which is to express gratitude.
“Avoid statements such as, ‘What am I going to do with this?’ or ‘Why did you buy this?’ or the ever-popular ‘You shouldn’t have,’” Vernon-Thompson advised.
Saying Something Negative About The Gift
“Even if you don’t like the gift, you still need to show gratitude for the gesture,” said Nick Leighton, an etiquette expert and cohost of the “Were You Raised by Wolves?” podcast.
A negative response can sour the exchange and hurt the gift-giver’s feelings.
“We all have to learn that speaking our minds isn’t always appropriate, and it’s time to get back to a time where we followed the rule: If you can’t say something nice, say nothing at all,” Abbott said. “If a gift isn’t something you care for, or even dislike and don’t even want to look at, saying so might be implied as ‘true to yourself’ or even ‘powerful’ ― but sometimes we need to bite our tongues and have compassion and act out of kindness.”
She stressed the importance of showing appreciation for the thought and effort, rather than complaining or otherwise commenting negatively about the actual gift.
“Be grateful, always find something good about the gift,” Abbott advised. “No matter what the gift is, it’s coming from a good place, even if they seem to not even know you or what you like by way of the gift.”
If there’s an issue like a misspelling of your name, don’t correct the gift-giver in front of everyone. Jackie Vernon-Thompson, the founder of From the Inside-Out School of Etiquette, recommended waiting for a private moment when you can inquire about the possibility of fixing the error ― all while leading with gratitude as always.
“Your facial expression should never reveal disappointment, confusion, or disgust,” she said. “Someone took the time to think of you, traveled to the store or ordered it online, selected something they believed you would appreciate, and wrapped it beautifully ― all with you in mind. Your only responsibility in that moment is to honor that gesture with a warm smile and sincere appreciation.”
Making It A Quid Pro Quo Situation
“Avoid turning the gesture into a quid pro quo,” Smith said.
Even if you’re taken by surprise, she advised against saying things like “I did not know we were exchanging gifts” or “I did not bring anything for you.”
A gift is meant to be a nice gesture, not a power play.
“Again, when someone is kind enough to give you a gift, your response should be a gracious ‘Thank you,’” Smith said.
Involving The Gift-Giver In Your Return, Exchange Or Donation
“If you don’t like the gift, or if you have a duplicate, you can discreetly regift or donate,” said Diane Gottsman, an etiquette expert, author of “Modern Etiquette for a Better Life” and founder of The Protocol School of Texas.
You don’t need to tell the person who gave you the gift that you don’t intend to keep it.
“It’s the old, ‘It’s the thought that counts’ ― so if it’s an offensive T-shirt, a very ugly painting or anything else just not ‘you’, smile, thank them, and then donate it to Goodwill or someone you know who would like it,” Abbott said. “With this part, though, it’s wise to be sure the person will never run into your gift giver and never tell on you.”
If you received the wrong size or would prefer something different, avoid making the gift-giver part of that process. Even if there’s no gift receipt, it’s worth seeing if you’re able to do it on your own first.
“If you need to return or exchange a gift, try not to involve the gift-giver whenever possible,” Leighton said.
Bypassing The Card
“One behavior that appears especially rude is bypassing the card and going straight to the gift,” Vernon-Thompson said. “That communicates materialism and disregard. The card is often the heart of the gesture.”
She advised reading the card first, acknowledging the sentiment and expressing gratitude.
“Then open the gift ― and express gratitude again,” Vernon-Thompson said. “Grace, appreciation and composure should guide every gifting moment.”