Alyson Schafer Advice: How To Get Your Kids To Open Up
Parenting expert Alyson Schafer offers some ideas to help open the communication gates with your child.
Alyson Schafer— The Huffington Post Canada
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Parents hate seeing their children upset. We quickly sniff out that something is not right, but when we ask, they say, “Nothing.”
Maybe they are being bullied? Maybe they are anxious about their new teacher or upset about the recent death of their Grandpa? How are we supposed to be supportive when we can’t find out what’s upsetting them?
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Some children are just very private by nature, but for others, the issue may be that they are simply nervous to share what’s going on in their world. And for some, it’s simply a challenge to articulate the confusion they are feeling.
So what’s a parent to do? Here are some ideas to help open the communication gates and finally get that clam talking!
1. Be present. Sometimes it takes kids a long time to open up. Popping your head into their bedroom and saying “do you wanna talk?” may lead to them saying “no.” Instead of closing the door and walking away rejected, accept that they don’t want to talk, but see if you can just hang out with them anyway. If you keep them company, your presence offers an opportunity to talk, eventually.
If they are crying, simply lie down and rub their back. If they are busy doing homework, ask if you can read on their bed while they work. If you are present, they are more likely to open up. But if they don’t, your presence might still be calming. Saying, “Something seems to be upsetting you so I thought I would be here for you” is an act of support in and of itself. At the very least, they will know just how much you care.
2. Get moving. Believe it or not, moving is one way to get someone talking. Science shows that when our bodies are in motion, the pathway between the left and right hemispheres of our brains (called the corpus callosum, for all you nerds) is more engaged. That seems to help the language centre operate and gets the lips flapping more. So, if you want to talk about your kid’s new girlfriend, do it while you are walking the dog together or tossing a ball back and forth.
3. Try texting. Texting gets a bad rap, but when it comes to communicating with our children, we have to be willing to move to their preferred style of communication. Texting may seem impersonal to you, but for youth it is often more personal, as they find it easier to write what they are feeling than to say it directly to your face. Texting also allows people to compose their thoughts before replying. Emoticons may seem a foreign way to be expressive, but for kids it may be more comfortable to send a parent a graphic of a heart than to write the words “I love you.”
4. Pick a good moment. Sometimes you can feel a great closeness and connection with your child. Perhaps it is at tuck-in time when you are reading a story, cuddling and talking about the day. Maybe it’s with your teen while you’re out for lunch on the day you’re shopping for prom dresses and spirits are high. Notice when you’re experiencing a closeness with your child and then use that opportunity to slightly switch topics and enquire about other areas of their life. In the right mood, with feelings of intimacy high, they may feel more secure to divulge more personal thoughts.
5. Try a guessing game. If your child got off the bus and is upset but won’t talk about it, ask if they will let you play a guessing game. Try the “hotter or colder” method. Is it about soccer try-outs? Is it about the coach? Is it about a teammate?
6. Draw a picture or journal. If something is upsetting our children it is important they don’t keep it bottled up. They may not want our support or help, but it’s important that feelings get expressed instead of oppressed. For private children, they may prefer to write in a journal or draw a picture of how they are feeling. They may or may not share their works with you, and that’s fine (don’t go snooping!). The importance of the activity is the expression, not the sharing.
7. Ask indirect questions, such as asking about their peers instead of them. A child may not answer the question “are you smoking?” but you can glean insights by asking “so are people in your grade or group smoking or vaping?” You will get more insights into your own child’s attitudes and behaviours and struggles when you talk generally about the group.
Also on HuffPost
How To Talk About Bullying
DO: Tell Them They Are Not Alone(01 of11)
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Bullying can be an incredibly isolating experience, and many victims feel that they are alone–that something about them, specifically, has brought this on. Explain to your child that bullying is something that can happen to anyone: boys, girls, preschoolers, high schoolers, kids at large schools and kids at small schools. This means there is a large group of people impacted by bullying, and if we all work together, we can certainly make a difference. (credit:Shutterstock)
DON'T: Suggest They "Just Ignore It"(02 of11)
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A common reaction to bullying is encouraging the victim to ignore the bully. "They just want a reaction," people say, and if you deny them the reaction, they'll go away. That's not always the case. Sometimes, when the bully realizes they are being ignored, they can feel a sense of power over their victim that can actually make the situation worse. (credit:Shutterstock)
DO: Check In Regularly(03 of11)
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Asking your child basic questions about their day and their experience at school can help you catch a problem sooner. Ask how a specific class was, or who they sat with at lunch. Ask who is trying out for the team, or who is going to local fair that weekend. These harmless questions tell your child that you care, but they can also help you detect changes in your child's situation that may indicate a bullying problem. (credit:Getty Images)
DON'T: Suggest Your Child Stand Up To The Bully(04 of11)
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While helping your child prepare a speech or enrolling them in self-defense courses might seem like an empowering solution, you're sending the message to your child that this problem is theirs, and that they have to handle it alone. Instead, discuss what some solutions might be and involve your child in the decision making process. (credit:Shutterstock)
DO: Set Boundaries Online(05 of11)
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The National Crime Prevention Council reports that 20 to 43 percent of middle and high school school students have reported being victims of cyber bullying. Encourage your child to protect themselves by following these two guidelines:1. Never say or do anything online that you wouldn't say or do in person. 2. Never share any information that you wouldn't tell a stranger. (credit:Shutterstock)
DON'T: Express Disbelief(06 of11)
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While we'd like to think we know everything about our children and their friends, don't express disbelief if they say someone has done something that shocks you. Your child needs to know that they can trust you. Asking them to provide evidence or saying that someone "would never do that" can come across as you taking the side of someone other than your child. Instead, be as supportive as possible and listen to their side. (credit:Shutterstock)
DO: Encourage Them To Speak Up(07 of11)
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A recent study of children ages 9 to 12, showed that 56 percent said that they usually either say or do something to try to stop bullying or tell someone who can help (Brown, Birch, & Kancherla, 2005). Make sure your child knows who he or she can talk to if they have something they want to share, whether that is you, a school counselor, a teacher or a coach. (credit:Shutterstock)
DO: Discourage Password Sharing(08 of11)
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Explain the importance of keeping online passwords private, even from close friends. Your child may be thinking that sharing a password with a close friend is harmless and convenient, but explain that anyone with their password could impersonate them online and embarrass them. If they insist that the friend would never do that, remind them that the friend could share their password, either intentionally or unintentionally, and someone else would have that same power. (credit:Shutterstock)
DON'T: Take Matters Entirely Into Your Own Hands(09 of11)
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While your first reaction may be to protect your child by calling the parent of the bully or confront the child yourself, this is not always a good solution. Not only is this this rarely effective, it may even prove fodder for additional bullying. Your child wants to feel empowered and involved in the solution, so discuss options with him or her and work together to decide on a plan of action. (credit:Shutterstock)
DO: Be Patient(10 of11)
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Your child may be embarrassed or afraid to talk about what is happening to them. This is normal. Rather than pressuring your child into speaking before they are ready, just make it clear that you are willing to listen and be a source of support for them. Once they feel comfortable, they will know that they can open up to you and seek your advice. Better yet, if you've had this conversation preemptively, before a problem arises, your child will know right away that you can be their partner in finding a solution. (credit:Shutterstock)
DO: Find Resources Online(11 of11)
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Green Giant's Raise A Giant site includes a page that lets you read letters other parents have written to empower their children. You can write your own letter and explore their other resources, including videos and sharable infographics. PACER's National Bullying Prevention Center site also has a page with resources like informational handouts, fact sheets, educational toolkits, and the "We Will Generation." You can also browse the video page to see if some of their video resources would be helpful for you or for your child. Green Giant's Raise A Giant site includes a page that lets you write a letter to empower your child, but you can also read the letters other parents have written to inspire your talks with your child. (credit:Shutterstock)
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