There's a lot of bullying going on these days. We find it in schools, in the workplace and on-line.
There's one form of bullying that rarely gets talked about though, and it's creating a lot of misery. I'm talking about self-bullying.
When we grow up, we take in everything we hear from our parents, family members and authority figures around us. In fact, it becomes a big part of our inner monologue.
When the messages we take in are positive, we develop confidence and good self-worth; when we hear a lot of critical or rejecting messages, we develop what I call the "Inner Bully."
The Inner Bully is the voice in our head that tells us that we're not smart, capable, attractive or lovable; it tells us not to bother trying something because we're just going to fail; it tells us that we don't deserve to be treated with love or respect.
The Inner Bully says things like, "Who do you think you are?" when we dare to feel good about ourselves for something we've accomplished. It tells us, "Don't get a swelled head!"
This bully fills our mind with negative self-talk; it burdens us with guilt, shame and obligation, and always blames us for anything that goes wrong, even when it had nothing to do with us.
It tells us that any success we achieve is an accident, so we won't be able to recreate it, or that we must have cheated to get the good result.
The Inner Bully oppresses us and makes it hard to create happiness and success.
Depending on how powerful it is in our psyche -- which relates directly to how we were treated in childhood- this bully can really mess things up for us.
Ramona (not her real name) is a smart, capable and caring young woman who has struggled all her life to find success. Her Inner Bully was so strong that she had no faith in her abilities.
Even when she accomplished good things, the Inner Bully would never allow her to take credit for them, so she had to see them as "a fluke," or "no big deal." Her confidence could never develop.
When she received praise or a promotion because of her hard work, she panicked and became confused, as any measure of success contradicted what the Inner Bully was telling her about herself.
Ramona was trapped in this self-defeating belief system and was never going to be free.
Fortunately, she decided to get help. She did some important work on herself and was able to see the Inner Bully for the liar and saboteur it really is.
Ramona was able to let go of the negative self-talk. She could finally put her abilities to good use and create a better life for herself.
Part of the inner work that Ramona did was learning to #BeKind. She learned that we need to have compassion for ourselves, and not allow the negative messages to win.
Self-compassion means being understanding, accepting, patient and forgiving with ourselves. To #BeKind is to see ourselves as imperfect but lovable; flawed yet capable of great things.
When Ramona chose to reject her Inner Bully and #BeKind to herself, her life really changed for the better. She's so much happier today than she ever was.
We all have some degree of Inner Bully living within us.
Living in a hyper-critical society, it's impossible to escape from all the judgements we face about our appearance, character, abilities or potential.
We all need to take Ramona's cue and learn to #BeKind. We all need to recognize when the Inner bully is picking on us and say to it: "No! I'm not going to let you ruin my life. I'm not listening to you."
Unlike the outer bullies who have real power and can do physical damage to us, the Inner Bully is just a disembodied voice in our head. We can see it for what it is and refuse to allow it to interfere with our pursuit of happiness and success.
Let's #BeKind to each-other, when it comes to the problem of bullying in the world, and let's #BeKind to ourselves when it comes to the lesser-known problem of self-bullying.
We can be stronger than the Inner Bully; we can stop it from having any power over us, but not by getting angry at it.
The way to overcome the Inner Bully is through self-compassion; it's by choosing to #BeKind to ourselves.
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How To Talk About Bullying
DO: Tell Them They Are Not Alone(01 of11)
Open Image ModalBullying can be an incredibly isolating experience, and many victims feel that they are alone–that something about them, specifically, has brought this on. Explain to your child that bullying is something that can happen to anyone: boys, girls, preschoolers, high schoolers, kids at large schools and kids at small schools. This means there is a large group of people impacted by bullying, and if we all work together, we can certainly make a difference. (credit:Shutterstock)
DON'T: Suggest They "Just Ignore It"(02 of11)
Open Image ModalA common reaction to bullying is encouraging the victim to ignore the bully. "They just want a reaction," people say, and if you deny them the reaction, they'll go away. That's not always the case. Sometimes, when the bully realizes they are being ignored, they can feel a sense of power over their victim that can actually make the situation worse. (credit:Shutterstock)
DO: Check In Regularly(03 of11)
Open Image ModalAsking your child basic questions about their day and their experience at school can help you catch a problem sooner. Ask how a specific class was, or who they sat with at lunch. Ask who is trying out for the team, or who is going to local fair that weekend. These harmless questions tell your child that you care, but they can also help you detect changes in your child's situation that may indicate a bullying problem. (credit:Getty Images)
DON'T: Suggest Your Child Stand Up To The Bully(04 of11)
Open Image ModalWhile helping your child prepare a speech or enrolling them in self-defense courses might seem like an empowering solution, you're sending the message to your child that this problem is theirs, and that they have to handle it alone. Instead, discuss what some solutions might be and involve your child in the decision making process. (credit:Shutterstock)
DO: Set Boundaries Online(05 of11)
Open Image ModalThe National Crime Prevention Council reports that 20 to 43 percent of middle and high school school students have reported being victims of cyber bullying. Encourage your child to protect themselves by following these two guidelines:1. Never say or do anything online that you wouldn't say or do in person. 2. Never share any information that you wouldn't tell a stranger. (credit:Shutterstock)
DON'T: Express Disbelief(06 of11)
Open Image ModalWhile we'd like to think we know everything about our children and their friends, don't express disbelief if they say someone has done something that shocks you. Your child needs to know that they can trust you. Asking them to provide evidence or saying that someone "would never do that" can come across as you taking the side of someone other than your child. Instead, be as supportive as possible and listen to their side. (credit:Shutterstock)
DO: Encourage Them To Speak Up(07 of11)
Open Image ModalA recent study of children ages 9 to 12, showed that 56 percent said that they usually either say or do something to try to stop bullying or tell someone who can help (Brown, Birch, & Kancherla, 2005). Make sure your child knows who he or she can talk to if they have something they want to share, whether that is you, a school counselor, a teacher or a coach. (credit:Shutterstock)
DO: Discourage Password Sharing(08 of11)
Open Image ModalExplain the importance of keeping online passwords private, even from close friends. Your child may be thinking that sharing a password with a close friend is harmless and convenient, but explain that anyone with their password could impersonate them online and embarrass them. If they insist that the friend would never do that, remind them that the friend could share their password, either intentionally or unintentionally, and someone else would have that same power. (credit:Shutterstock)
DON'T: Take Matters Entirely Into Your Own Hands(09 of11)
Open Image ModalWhile your first reaction may be to protect your child by calling the parent of the bully or confront the child yourself, this is not always a good solution. Not only is this this rarely effective, it may even prove fodder for additional bullying. Your child wants to feel empowered and involved in the solution, so discuss options with him or her and work together to decide on a plan of action. (credit:Shutterstock)
DO: Be Patient(10 of11)
Open Image ModalYour child may be embarrassed or afraid to talk about what is happening to them. This is normal. Rather than pressuring your child into speaking before they are ready, just make it clear that you are willing to listen and be a source of support for them. Once they feel comfortable, they will know that they can open up to you and seek your advice. Better yet, if you've had this conversation preemptively, before a problem arises, your child will know right away that you can be their partner in finding a solution. (credit:Shutterstock)
DO: Find Resources Online(11 of11)
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