How I Was Rewarded For Having Only Two Sexual Partners | HuffPost

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I've had only two sexual partners in my life and being diagnosed with abnormal cervical cells doesn't feel like the best way to be repaid. Women are constantly being shamed about their bodies and how they use them and to think even a lack of proper usage can result in the same shame and disconcerted feelings about female sexuality.

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The Purple Fig Women's Blogazine, thepurplefig.com

The Purple Fig Women's Blogazine, thepurplefig.com

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About two years ago I was a virgin. My only notions of real sex were what I had gathered from movies and books. Sometimes it was romantic and unreal where the woman's hair and make-up was left untouched. Sometimes it was gritty and impersonal, but still something I wanted to experience. Despite the knowledge that it was going to hurt, I wanted to feel it. Even though I knew it wasn't going to be with the perfect man, I wanted it to be with him. And taking into consideration that it probably wasn't going to be earth shattering, I definitely wanted to experience it.

Let me preface this by saying that I had gone through quite a drastic weight loss where I had lost almost 40 pounds in 5 months. Granted, it happened during the colder months when my newly developing physique wasn't as visible beneath layers of clothes and big winter coats. However, once I had finished my year of university and the weather transitioned from blistering cold to mild and finally hot, I had noticed a change in the way men reacted to me.

I still had the same mindset -- keep quiet and out of people's way -- but now men would go out of their way to talk to me. I was 20 and officially beginning my transition into womanhood. Random sleazy guys stopped approaching me in the dirty, dingy subway and it turned into phone numbers being exchanged at bars. Everywhere I looked there seemed to be a new prospect for my consideration. I thanked the short shorts and tank tops I could finally wear at a size 6 instead of a size 12.

Summer school was my first priority at the time, but that didn't stop my conversations with the cute, muscle clad guy sitting in front of me in lecture. My neighbour of 7 years (he was a year younger than I was) had also begun to develop a more forward attitude about his feelings for me, and even went as far as to propose we have sexual liaisons despite him having a girlfriend. We made out, but that didn't satisfy me, and I wasn't willing to go all the way with someone who lived right across the street from my family. So, I decided to find what I was looking for somewhere else.

His name was M___ and I had met him at a campus bar. He had approached me later in the night after a blond haired, blue eyed fireman 10 years older than me asked for my number and invited me up to his cottage. He talked to my friend and I about politics, offered to buy us drinks, and even confidently leaned forward, touched my face gently, and called me gorgeous. I was sold at that moment, not because he had called me beautiful, but because his confidence was something I wanted. It was something I had never had in my life and by us 'hooking up' it would be mine through association.

Out first date was at a baseball game. Our second date was at his house. Being only two years older than me, he lived in the basement of his parent's house in a wealthy part of the city. We got down to business immediately and I told him I was a virgin. His first instinct was to get nervous about me becoming too attached afterwards, but then he looked over at my half naked body next to him and that thought dissipated from his mind.

It hurt at first, but I reveled in this new and strange feeling. He was sweet and gentle, but my body wasn't fair and left me bleeding for the next 3 days. We had agreed that we wouldn't see each other again afterwards, and we haven't.

Fast-forward two years to when I am dating my long-term boyfriend and have been diagnosed with abnormal cervical cells of unknown significance, which doesn't really mean much other than that something is changing in my body. With a high percentage of women experiencing this, it is more than a normal occurrence for sexually active twenty-somethings. However, I've had only two sexual partners in my life and this doesn't feel like the best way to be repaid. Women are constantly being shamed about their bodies and how they use them and to think even a lack of proper usage can result in the same shame and disconcerted feelings about female sexuality.

See more essays from The Purple Fig

There is no knowing how or from whom I had developed these cells, but that wasn't necessarily the point. Whether it was M___ or my boyfriend, it is up to my body to take a stand against what was trying to break my composure; stress being the only thing that could make it worse. And that was how I spent the first six months after I had found out. School, relationships, work -- each one affected my mental stability.

Having to now be examined at a hospital every six months, I yearn for the summer of third year when I was careless and stress free. When my biggest concern was buying new, smaller clothes to fit into and to keep track of all the men courting me. And although these bodily changes are normal in women, I can't help but wish I could be in the presence of that time in my life when I felt invincible.

By Katerina Eleftheriou

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20 Great Sex Tips For Men

Talk About Sex(01 of20)

As time passes in a relationship, it’s easy to get into a rut and just go through the motions, rather than express what you really want (and need) in bed. Sex therapist Williams Lucena, FMD, says it’s time to break this cycle with some frank talk. “Ask each other, ‘What do I need in bed from you?’” he suggests. “Get back to the communication you used to have.” (credit:Shutterstock)

Eat Healthy(02 of20)

This doesn’t sound like a sex tip, but treating your body right with good nutrition helps the whole body, including your libido, says Debbie Mandel, a stress management expert and author of Addicted to Stress. “Eat healthy foods to reduce cholesterol and keep your cardiovascular system humming,” she adds. “This will ensure that circulation is at peak performance for the ‘southern hemisphere.’” (credit:Shutterstock)

Pick Up Some Chores(03 of20)

Want to put your partner in the mood for better sex? “Help around the house,” says Mandel. “The best foreplay happens outside the bedroom. By helping with chores and errands, you make them feel valued.” (credit:Shutterstock)

Exercise(04 of20)

Few things will get you ready to satisfy women quite like getting in regular exercise each day, says Matthew N. Simmons, MD, PhD, of the Glickman Urological and Kidney Institute in Cleveland. “Even as little as 15 minutes of exercise daily will improve self-esteem, self-image, and libido,” he says. “Exercise makes the physical aspects of sex more enjoyable. Furthermore, making exercise a habit promotes cardiovascular health, which is necessary for normal erectile function.” (credit:Shutterstock)

But Don't Over Do It(05 of20)

But don’t overdo it. Too much exercise can have the opposite effect, says Pete McCall, MS, an exercise physiologist with the American Council on Exercise. “Being in an overtraining state produces general feelings of fatigue and low energy and can disrupt sleep patterns and change mood,” he says. “This is hardly a good combination for wooing a romantic partner.” (credit:Shutterstock)

In Fact, Work Out Together(06 of20)

If exercise is good, then exercising with your lover is an even better sex tip, says Mandel. “Working out together ensures that both libidos and endorphins will be up,” she says. “Since you’re both already sweating, take it to the next level. Stretching together is also a good idea.” (credit:Shutterstock)

Abstain A Bit(07 of20)

Abstinence as a sex tip? Believe it or not, it’s a surefire way to improve sex and make your next encounter with your lover even more exciting. “Practice abstinence for a couple of days, a weekend, or a week,” says Mandel. “Abstinence does make the heart grow fonder and makes you lust after forbidden fruit.” (credit:Shutterstock)

Plan For Sex(08 of20)

It may not sound that romantic, but Dr. Simmons says it’s a great way to improve your sex life and satisfy women. Construct a plan for having sex, he suggests: “Setting aside time or arranging opportunities for sex is very important, especially for busy couples or those with children. Don’t let the frequency of sex dwindle due to fatigue or the inability to find the ‘right time.’” (credit:Shutterstock)

Send Your Partner A Text(09 of20)

Make use of technology. Want to keep her in the mood for sex later that night while you’re stuck at the office? Use your cell phone or e-mail. “Send her sexy messages throughout the day,” advises Mandel. (credit:Shutterstock)

Compliment Her(10 of20)

Want a foolproof way to drive her wild and ensure better sex? “Find a particular feature, and tell her that she is the best in this class,” says Mandel. (credit:Shutterstock)

Focus On Relaxation(11 of20)

Men like to get excited for better sex, but women are more likely to get in the mood through relaxation. “Wash her hair in the shower or massage her scalp to relax her,” says Debbie Mandel, a stress management expert and author of Addicted to Stress. “A woman needs to be relaxed before she is ready to receive.” (credit:Shutterstock)

Foreplay(12 of20)

Regardless of how you get revved up for better sex, Matthew N. Simmons, MD, PhD, of the Glickman Urological and Kidney Institute in Cleveland, suggests not skimping on the foreplay — no matter how long you have been together as a couple. “Foreplay contributes greatly to stronger orgasms and improved sex,” he says. “Gearing up your autonomic nervous system will increase sensitivity, excitement, and strength of orgasm. Your patience and attentiveness will pay dividends.” (credit:Shutterstock)

Think Like Your Partner(13 of20)

Natalie Bencivenga, co-founder, editor, and writer of twodaymag.com, advises thinking like a woman. “To think like a woman in bed, you don’t have to be one,” she says. “Give attention to some of her most neglected areas, like her neck, her feet, her inner thighs. Tease her mercilessly. Make her want it. You will be surprised what a build-up will bring!” (credit:Shutterstock)

Let Them Take The Lead(14 of20)

Men so often take the lead in bed. Sometimes, the key to better sex is letting her be in charge. “Don’t be afraid to let your mate lead,” says Joyce Morley, EdD, a licensed counsellor in Decatur, Ga. “Allow your mate to initiate sexual pleasure on occasions, as well as taking the top position.” (credit:Shutterstock)

Don't Overlook Lubricant(15 of20)

According to Bencivenga, there’s no shame in using lubricant to satisfy women. “Many guys think that since women get wet, if we aren’t wet, then we aren’t into it,” she says. “That’s not true. Sometimes, whether it’s stress, certain times of the month, or fatigue, women can have a hard time getting physically aroused even when they are mentally in the game. Lubricant in the bedside drawer is your new best friend.” (credit:Shutterstock)

Switch It Up(16 of20)

If you’re experiencing a case of the “same-old, same-old,” working on adding a little variety is the key to better sex, says Simmons. “Spice things up by planning and discussing variations on your usual sexual habits,” he explains. “Lingerie, toys, new positions, and other creative additions can enhance intimacy and orgasm.” (credit:Shutterstock)

Change Locations(17 of20)

Another way to add variety and improve sex life, suggests Mandel, is to try some place new. “Do it in different places to experience a different energy,” she says. “Take it outdoors if you are overwhelmed with technology and want to get back your natural rhythm.” (credit:Shutterstock)

Just Don't Have Sex, Make Love(18 of20)

Does it feel lately like it’s just sex? “Try making love,” advises Dr. Morley. “You make love with that special someone, but you have sex with anybody.” (credit:Shutterstock)

Use Touch Even Without Sex(19 of20)

Even when you’re not having sex, you can still improve your sex life by using touch in an intimate, but not sexual, way. “Touching is important, but doesn't always mean sex,” says Morley. “It is important to be intimate with your mate by touching her with love and affection on a daily basis. Kiss daily, and don’t be afraid to allow her to reciprocate.” (credit:Shutterstock)

Take Care Of Your Penis(20 of20)

“Take good care of your penis,” says Dr. Simmons. “Penile injury is usually sustained when your partner is on top or when the penis buckles from missed penetration. If things are getting out of hand, ask your partner to ease up. If you suspect a penile fracture due to a perceived ‘pop’ followed by bruising, see a urologist immediately.” (credit:Shutterstock)

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