The rejection of my cultural identity is a direct dismissal of immigrant strife, which serves as a common thread linking Tamils-Canadians across the country. Many Tamils came to this country as refugees after the life-shattering 1983 riots in Sri Lanka. Fleeing from trauma and having to re-establish life as a visible minority was an extremely painful process to say the least. My father recounts being denied access to buildings due to language incompetency, and being on the receiving end of piercing racist remarks from service providers. He tirelessly worked at underpaying, labour intensive jobs as a way to perpetuate his right to exist within a society that jeered at his presence.
Yet as a result of his hard work, my sisters and I lead comfortable lives benefiting from Canadian institutions and programs. I have come to realize that in denying my culture I was denying my parents' struggle as immigrants. I was denying the plight of my people, and I was asserting that my status as a Tamil-Canadian was not structurally disadvantageous.
I am not unique, however, in the compulsive need I felt to mimic whiteness. In fact, the inherent inferiority to white bodies harboured by Tamils can be traced to the British colonization of Sri Lanka. During this period, cultural assimilation via religious conversion and English language laws rooted a structural power dynamic, favouring those who adhered most closely to European ideals. Burgher populations descending from Portuguese, Dutch and British settlers were given increased autonomy by the British constitution, breeding a cultural divide that upheld citizens who most closely mirrored whiteness.
Tamils were tremendously disadvantaged by this structural inequality, and committed to adapting whiteness as a way to gain approval from their European rulers. This sentiment is echoed in many first generation Canadians like myself, who often align themselves with their favourite film and television stars. Seeing predominantly white bodies excel in media representations of reality, while characters that look like them routinely serve as punchlines for racially charged jokes, inevitably ingrains the notion that success is equated to whiteness.
Seventeen years later, I look at the அ imprinted on the silver plate of rice and feel a sense of overwhelming responsibility to make up for lost time. A responsibility to honour the violent struggle of Tamil refugees. A responsibility to counteract the domineering forces of colonization and media representation. And above all, a responsibility to my parents, who despite numerous obstacles consistently stressed the importance and beauty of Tamil culture. As I start to reclaim my cultural identity, I must remind myself that assimilation takes willful participation, and it is up to me to immerse myself in my language, understand my history and contribute to spaces that uplift Tamil communities.
This blog post was originally published on TamilCulture.com by Brannavy Jeyasundaram -- article link.
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Guest Code: Tamil Weddings
Where Are They Held?(01 of74)
Tamil Hindu weddings are usually held at temples, banquet halls or sometimes, outdoors. Guests attending should expect assigned seating, keeping in mind family (which can be large in number) sit in the front. The guest list on average has over 250 people. Grooms (maapillai) and brides (manamahal) sit around a priest on a stage called a manavarai or mandap. (credit:WikiMedia:)
How Much Time Should I Make In My Schedule?(02 of74)
Typically, a Tamil wedding ritual lasts about an hour and 15 minutes. Wedding ceremonies are followed by lunch or dinner, depending on the time of the wedding.
What Should I Wear?(03 of74)
At Tamil weddings, most women (including their non-Tamil guests) wear traditional sarees, and sometimes have their hair tied in a bun or braided with flowers. Men from the immediate family wear white dhotis (traditional men's garment) and a white shirt with a golden border. Other male guests are required to wear formal wear. For both men and women, gold is very common. If you are attending a Tamil wedding, try avoid wearing black, it is seen as bad luck.
What Should I Bring As A Gift(04 of74)
Most couples prefer monetary gifts — this can range anywhere from $100 to $200 per guest.
What Will I Be Eating?(05 of74)
Most Tamil weddings (held at Hindu temples, for example) serve vegetarian dishes. These meals include everything from rice and curries, vegetarians patties, vegetarian rolls, eggless cake and Tamil sweets made with rice or buttermilk. During the wedding ceremony, drinking is prohibited. If the couple decides to hold a reception, you will find most likely find meaty dishes and booze there.
What Is The Bridal Party Like?(06 of74)
Bridal parties aren't traditionally used at Tamil weddings, but if couples choose to do so, young girls are often the flower girls, and some brides have their closest friends dressed in similar sarees as bridesmaids.
Do Couples Exchange Rings?(07 of74)
Some Tamil couples opt to have their marriage registered on the same day of their Tamil wedding — just because of schedule or timing. Often couples will exchange wedding rings after the wedding ceremony ends. But a custom at all Tamil weddings is the thali/mangalsutre — a gold chain that is tied by the groom around the bride’s neck during the ceremony.
What Do The Bride And Groom Wear?(08 of74)
The bride and groom both wear traditional Tamil clothing. The bride usually wears a kanchipuram saree (often in a red tone, made of silk with thick golden borders) adorned with heavy gold jewelry. The bride usually has her hair braided with extensions and pieces of gold jewelry, The groom either wears a white dhoti, a shirt with a golden border or a sherwarni which is a traditional Indian pant suit. Grooms also wear turbans or thalappas on the day of their weddings. During the wedding — right before the bride ties the knot — it is customary for her to to change into a second saree. This second saree is called the koorai and the first saree (which she enters the venue with) is called a manavarai saree.
But Are All Tamil Weddings Hindu?(09 of74)
Most Tamil weddings you attend will be performed with Hindu rituals, but there are also Christian Tamil weddings that follow Christian rituals (like the white wedding dress).
Tamil Weddings Are Important For The Whole Family(10 of74)
Families play a huge role at Tamil weddings. Sometimes they are even responsible for arranging the bride and groom together. During the wedding ceremony, the parents of the bride and groom also exchange vows to symbolize the union of two families.
Where Are They Held?(11 of74)
For the most part, Jewish weddings are held at synagogues (the Jewish house of worship), hotels and event venues, says wedding planner Naomi Serkin of Naomi Serkin and Associates in Toronto. (credit:Gettystock )
When Do They Happen?(12 of74)
Depending on how religious the bride and groom are, most weddings tend to be on Thursdays or Sundays. This is due to restrictions placed on things like photography, cooking and travelling on Shabbat (the day or rest of worship), which runs from Friday sundown to Saturday sundown. (credit:Gettystock)
How Long Are They?(13 of74)
Like most weddings, Jewish weddings follow the standard ceremony followed by a reception. If you're attending both events (look for details in your invitation), the day altogether can last between five and seven hours. (credit:Gettystock )
What Do I Wear?(14 of74)
The dress code usually comes down to how religious the couple is. If the bride and groom (and their families) tend to be more religious, avoid showing shoulders or wearing anything short and revealing. Something formal should be fine otherwise. In general, avoid wearing white — the bride deserves all the attention. Men are expected to wear kippahs, which are usually provided by the couple at the door. (credit:Gettystock )
What Is That Canopy?(15 of74)
At a Jewish wedding, you will see the couple get married under a canopy called a chuppah (or huppah), symbolizing the home the couple will build together. Usually made with cloth or a sheet with four poles, the four openings represent how open the couple is to family and friends. Some couples use an ancestor's prayer shawl for their canopy, while others ask friends to help create it, like a quilt.
What Should I Bring?(16 of74)
If you're thinking about gifts, think monetary. Depending how well you know the couple, expect to give around $150 to $250. Alternatively, inquire to see if there's a registry.
Eat Eat Eat(17 of74)
Jewish weddings also include a large meal portion of traditional Jewish foods along with meat dishes, desserts and booze. Some weddings will only serve Kosher foods, and therefore meats and dairy may not be served at the same meal. Before the meal portion begins, an older relative will start with a prayer over a large challah bread. This prayer can also be done by the bride and groom.
How Many People Attend?(18 of74)
Serkin says guest lists depend on the couple, but on average she says she will see about 200 to 350 guests per wedding.
Dance The Night Away(19 of74)
When it's time to dance, get ready to move your feet. Along with a band or DJ and dance floor, you will also see the traditional hora, or circle dance, performed where the bride and groom are lifted on chairs.
Some Key Buzzwords(20 of74)
You may hear a few words at the ceremony and reception. Simcha means celebration and mazel tov means good luck. Try it out yourself!
Ceremony Traditions(21 of74)
You may see a few things at the ceremony, again, depending on how religious the couple is. In some ceremonies, the bride begins by walking around the groom seven times. Often, the rabbi and cantor will bless the couple over a cup of wine (which they share) and at the end of the ceremony, the couple kiss and the groom steps on a glass (usually wrapped in a napkin). Here is where you can say mazel tov! (credit:Getty)
Something Blue?(22 of74)
There are several superstitions and traditions Catholic people follow during weddings. For example, you've probably heard the phrase: Something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue and a sixpence (a coin) in your shoe. This refers to the five things the bride must incorporate to her outfit on her big day. All of these actions represent good luck.
Rice Throwing(23 of74)
While some couples and churches don't allow this at ceremonies, Catholic people believe throwing rice after the couple ties the knot represented prosperity. (It's often done outside the church.)
Rosary(24 of74)
Two days before the big day, some couples hang a rosary outside their windows to ensure good weather.
Jumping The Broom(25 of74)
A custom traditionally done by African Americans during slavery, jumping the broom symbolizes the unification of two families into one.
Bridesmaids(26 of74)
At a Catholic wedding, you will also see bridesmaids, often dressed in similar colours. Bridesmaids (looking identical) were used to confuse evil spirits that may descend on the bride.
Where Is It Held?(27 of74)
Often, Catholic weddings are held at the church either the bride, groom or their parents belong to. Traditionally, a Catholic wedding can only be held within the confines of a church, and it is up to the priest to give couples consent to marry outside of it.
Maid Of Honour Is Your Go-To Girl(28 of74)
If you any questions about the wedding, the maid of honour is your go-to gal. For example, gifts for the bride and groom can be tricky, and often at Catholic weddings, the maid of honour has the best insight.
What Do I Wear?(29 of74)
Go for something elegant and modest, and avoid plunging necklines or short hemlines. In some cases, the bride may not want you to wear white — always ask the maid of honour if you're uncertain.
How Long Do Ceremonies Last?(30 of74)
If you're attending a Catholic wedding, ceremonies often last around an hour.
Left-Leaning(31 of74)
At Catholic wedding ceremonies, the bride usually stands on the lefthand side of the groom. In the past, people believed this was in case an intruder came to kidnap the bride, the groom would have his right arm free to reach for his sword and protect her.
What Is The Crowd Like?(32 of74)
A Catholic wedding ceremony can have up to 100 to 150 people, while smaller weddings cap off at around 50. For receptions, which happen after the ceremony, couples can invite anywhere from 50 to 100 friends and family members.
Don't Chit-Chat(33 of74)
During the ceremony, guests seated inside the church should not be talking. If you're wearing a fascinator, sit in the back rows to give people a chance to see the ceremony.
Expect A Lot Of Guests(34 of74)
Italian weddings can have 250 to 350 guests, and sometimes up to 1,000. Because Italian weddings are heavily focused around family, the bride and groom are expected to invite all of their siblings, cousins, great aunts, and great uncles — and their children. "Parents often have a say in the guest list as they most often foot a large portion of the bill," says Lynzie Kent, a Toronto-based wedding and event planner of Love by Lynzie.
Wake Up Early, Folks(35 of74)
If their ceremony is Catholic, it can last anywhere from 60 to 75 minutes, Kent says. Italian ceremonies usually take place in the mornings (around 10 a.m.) to leave a huge gap of time before the reception. If you're planning to go to both events, make sure you're available for the whole day.
Where Do They Take Place?(36 of74)
Traditional couples with a large guest count will have their wedding ceremony take place at their families’ church. Receptions are usually hosted at banquet halls, but Kent says she is seeingmore couples try outdoor or urban venues as well.
What Should I Bring?(37 of74)
Term to know:Boosta Almost all couples expect a cash gift at their wedding. Each wedding will have a boosta box, a box where guests can leave their gifts. "At many Italian weddings, the parents and bridal party form a receiving line as guests enter. At the end of the line, you’ll greet the couple and leave your envelope in the Boosta Box next to them. This is their opportunity to thank you for your gift," Kent says. In terms of how much to give, this can be anywhere from $100 to $250 per person or $250 to $400 per couple to be safe.
There Will Be Food.. Tons Of It(38 of74)
If you're attending an Italian wedding, expect a lot of food. And we mean a lot. Italian weddings usually serve antipasto, seafood, espresso, pasta and a meat course during the reception. Traditional Italian sweets are also served, along with pastries, candy, and wedding cake.
What Should I Wear?(39 of74)
Most weddings tend to be black-tie affairs. As a guest, it is considered rude to wear white and slightly taboo to wear all black, Kent says. However, Kent says the latter is changing and more female guests are coming to weddings dressed in all black.
The Groom Is Such A Romantic(40 of74)
Here's a cool tradition: On the night before the wedding, the groom must deliver flowers to his fiancée's house. These flowers can be used as the bride's bouquet, and represent the last gift she receives as a "single" person. "Last fall, one of my grooms surprised his bride by singing a traditional Italian song to her with guitar, and then giving her the flowers," Kent says.
You Won't Leave Empty-Handed(41 of74)
Term to know:BombonieresBombonieres, or favours, are always given at Italian weddings. Traditionally, these bags are filled with at lease five (a lucky number) pieces of confetti (white candy-coated almonds). These days, couples give out wrapped cookies, Christmas tree ornaments, or give a donation to charity.
Don't Fear Rain(42 of74)
If the wedding you go to just happens to be on a rainy day, start dancing ... and bring your umbrella. Italians consider rain on your wedding day to be a sign of good luck, and a happy marriage in the long run.
Expect A Party, And A Huge Bridal Party(43 of74)
Traditionally, Italian receptions go out with a bang. Kent says in ancient Roman law, it’s said there needed to be at least 10 witnesses at a wedding. For this reason, many Italian brides and grooms have several bridesmaids and groomsmen. "The witnesses would all dress very similar to the bride and groom to ward off and confuse evil spirits who could curse the happiness of the bride and groom," she adds.
The Invitation(44 of74)
Terms to know:pooja/puja Sometimes, families send out two separate invitations (one for the groom's side of the family and one for the bride's side). The invitation is basically the road map for the wedding. Since Hindu weddings can take up three to five days of events, the invitation has times and locations of every event you're invited to. A lot of the time, guests may only be invited to a few events — things like the puja (prayer) and henna party are usually for close family and friends.
The Venue(45 of74)
Term to know:Mandir/mandhir, mandapTypically, Hindu weddings are held at banquet halls or Hindu temples (mandirs). At both venues, seats are usually set up facing the main stage with the mandap — a gazebo made with four pillars decorated with flowers and colourful drapes. At some temples, however, guests may be expected to sit on the floor. At all temples, shoes are not allowed to be worn during the ceremony.
Seating(46 of74)
If you see a few seats in the front that are empty, don't approach them. The first few rows of the ceremony are usually saved for immediate family members and the bridal party. Often, you won't see a "reserved" sign. Other times, friends and family of the bride sit on one side, while the groom's family and friends sit on the opposite end.
So What Do I Wear?(47 of74)
Most guests attend weddings in traditional Indian sarees and suits. If you're wearing a dress, choose something conservative. In terms of colours, avoid black, white and red. The first two colours have negative meanings in Hindu culture (death), and red is often worn by the bride.
Gifts(48 of74)
Most couples expect monetary gifts. When you get to the venue, you'll see a family member with a money box. If you don't, you can give your card and money (always add an extra dollar for good luck, so $101, $201, etc.), directly to the bride and groom during picture time.
During The Ceremony(49 of74)
Terms to know:SaptapadiOnce the prayers and rituals begin, it is best to refrain from talking loudly or eating in your seat. The ceremony itself has several parts that differ depending on the country you're from, but most commonly, couples take seven steps around the holy fire, called the saptapadi. Each step represents a promise and vow.
Ceremony Details(50 of74)
Terms to know:Agni, pandit jiSpeaking of the holy fire, this is called an agni. Not only does the couple walk around it, but it is also used for several other religious rituals. During the wedding, the priest (the pandit ji) ensures the flame doesn't go out.
There's More Than Just A Ring(51 of74)
Terms to know: Red sindoor, mangal sutraBesides exchanging wedding rings (which is actually a Western tradition), the bride usually gets a line of red powder on the part of her hair and a black and gold bridal necklace called the mangal sutra. These two gifts from the groom basically symbolize a woman's commitment to her partner.
Sights And Sounds(52 of74)
You will see a lot of gold jewelry, red clothing pieces and dark maroon henna. Brides usually decorate their arms and legs the night before the wedding, and often each woman's hand or leg tells a love story. During the ceremony, you will also smell and see many incense sticks.
When The Ceremony Ends(53 of74)
Once the ceremony is over, families will go up and give their blessings to the newlyweds and take pictures. This can take a long time — sometimes guests lists can include 1,000 people. If you come with a group of friends or with your family, make sure you all go up at the same time.
Eating In A Thali(54 of74)
Term to know:ThaliAt some Hindu weddings (especially at the temple), expect to have lunch or dinner in a steel plate called a thali. Food at Hindu weddings is almost always vegetarian and includes a variety of salads, curries, rice and roti. Alcohol is also not permitted. Pro tip: Taste before you take, food tends to be spicy.
The Party(55 of74)
Hindu weddings are followed by huge buffet feast and dance party at the reception. This is when the bride and groom finally get to wind down after a week of rituals and events. Let loose, get some booze and dance the night away with the newlyweds!
Make Sure You Go Hungry(56 of74)
Traditional Chinese weddings are held at Chinese restaurants or banquet halls, decorated in red and gold for good luck. For dinner, Chinese banquet meals have about 10 or 12 courses. As a guest, make sure you come hungry. Meals are typically eaten within the course of three hours, interspersed with activities and games for the bride, groom and guests. (credit:Gettystock)
Meaning Behind Your Meals(57 of74)
Don't be shy to talk to other people or servers at your table. If you're sitting with the bride and groom's family members or friends, ask about the significance of dishes being eaten. Each dish during the 10 to 12-part course represents something important for the couple. For example, the word for "fish" is a homonym for riches or abundance, and is usually served whole with the head and tail, symbolizing a good start and finish to the year. Long noodles are symbolic of longevity, so they usually appear near the end of the meal. Lobster, shark fin soup (or a replica), chicken and a lot of seafood, for example, are common dishes found in traditional Chinese wedding dinners. (credit:Gettystock)
Toast With The Happy Couple(58 of74)
During dinner, the bride and groom will come up to each table to toast guests as a sign of respect for coming to their celebration. When they approach your table, make sure you stand up with your glass and give them one unified table toast in celebration. Cheers! (credit:Getty Stock)
Expect A Lot Of Meat(59 of74)
Besides a variety of seafood and chicken dishes, a full roast suckling pig — feet, head and all — is a common sight and dish during cocktail hour. If you're a vegetarian or vegan, be polite and don't stare. You can easily offend family members by looking grossed out. And if you're a meat eater who has never eaten it, just try it — suckling pig is delicious. (credit:farm7.staticflickr.com)
Don't Be Shy About Cutlery(60 of74)
It is common and customary to lift your bowl and use chopsticks to push rice or noodles into your mouth at the dinner table. If you're not comfortable using chopsticks, ask your server for a fork and spoon.
Dress Code Matters(61 of74)
Don't wear red or white at a Chinese wedding — you don't want to steal the bride's thunder or bring bad luck. Brides often change into red dresses in the evening portion of the wedding, while white symbolizes death and mourning. (credit:Gettystock)
You Can Take Food Home(62 of74)
If you stuff your face with a delicious meal and still want some to go, it's not considered rude to ask for containers for leftovers. In fact, asking for leftovers is considered a sign of appreciation during a Chinese wedding.
The Number 8 Is Auspicious(63 of74)
While some weddings require boxed gifts for the couple, cash gifts are customary in Chinese weddings. Simply place the cash or cheque into a nice card or red envelope (a hong bao) and leave it in a guest box upon your arrival. The amount you give is entirely up to you, however it is best to avoid the number four, which is associated with death. Alternatively, anything with the number eight is auspicious because it symbolizes fortune.
The Groom Enters With A Bang(64 of74)
Term to know:The BaraatThe Baraat is the groom’s procession: A portion of singing and dancing that happens right before the wedding ceremony. At this time, the groom — often decked out in gold and sometimes in a luxury car or on a horse — is followed by his closest friends and family. (credit:Maharani Weddings )
The Milni(65 of74)
Term to know:The MilniThe milni is the official meeting of both families. Key male family members from both sides exchange garlands and greet each other, symbolizing the acceptance of two families into one. (credit:Pinterest)
Ceremony Etiquette(66 of74)
Term to know:GurdwaraBefore you enter the main hall of the Gurdwara (a Sikh place of worship), take off your shoes.
During The Ceremony(67 of74)
When you're at the wedding ceremony, cover your head with a head scarf if you're a woman, or a bandana if you're a man. The Gurdwara or the couples' family will provide you with head coverings.. Also, if you're not wearing an Indian suit or saree, dress conservatively — avoid low-cut tops or short skirts and dresses.
Things You Will See(68 of74)
Term to know:Guru Granth SahibYou may see some of the guests walk up to the front of the hall and bow their heads in front of the Guru Granth Sahib, a religious text of holy scriptures. For non-Sikh guests, this is not mandatory.
Where Should I Sit?(69 of74)
Men and women are often seated on opposite sides of the hall. Close family members or the bridal party make up the first few rows.
How Will I Sit?(70 of74)
At a Sikh wedding ceremony, guests are expected to sit on the floor. You can sit comfortably with your legs crossed but do not point your feet in the direction of the holy scriptures book located in the front.
During The Ceremony(71 of74)
A Sikh wedding ceremony usually last 45 minutes and wraps up before noon. During this time, guests should not be chit-chatting or talking in the hall.
Expect A Dessert At The End(72 of74)
Term to know:kara parshadAt the end of the ceremony, a sweet pudding called kara parshad is passed around to all of the guests. This dessert is made with whole wheat flour, butter and sugar. You can learn how to make your own here.
After The Ceremony(73 of74)
After the ceremony is complete and the bride and the groom are officially married, guests are invited to congratulate the couple and take pictures.
Be Ready For A Party(74 of74)
Term to know:Bhangra Sikh weddings are all about close-knit communities and having fun. Everyone eats, drinks and dances to bhangra (a genre of Punjabi music) together. Sikh weddings are also very large and average around 600 to 1,000 guests.