I don't know if any of you realized this yet, but two southern Ontario men are on an absolute tear right now grabbing international headlines. Their paths are becoming eerily similar, and the world is basically waiting on either, or both, of them to bottom out.
Introducing first, weighing in at 163,078 grams, fighting out of Etobi-crack-cocaine, Ont., he is the current GTA mayor-in-title only, Rob "the White Rasta" Ford.
Introducing his challenger, weighing in at 7 gold chains and a box of eggs, hailing from Stratford, Ont., he is the reigning, defending Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Awards Favourite Male Singer, Justin "don't call me vanilla" Bieber.
At first I thought the turn of events were isolated. However, as time passed, I have come to the hypothesis that both of these gentlemen have challenged each other to a game of celebrity horse. If you are not familiar with the game, its premise is quite simple. One celebrity, who has grown tired of the fame and its associated financial rewards, challenges the other to a series of one-upmanship, except the challenge is to see how cray (this is not a typo, it is a genuine rule of the game, since it was developed by the iGeneration) you can act in public, and see who gets away with it.
What, you're a loud unapologetic mayor who wants to end the gravy train and hates bicycle lanes? I just broke up with Selena, again!
So you think you're tough because you hang out with all lil' everybody from Calabasas? Let me introduce you to my friend Sandro Lisi.
Justin please, you think underage drinking is hood? I show up to functions, half in the bag and keep one hand available to grope.
You run from paparazzi? I shove them off my property and call them pedophiles.
You make young girls cry? I make older women cry, after I run over them in council sessions.
And so it went on, harmless, so we thought. But then things got intense. Like Jesse Spano, I'm so excited, intense.
The mayor raised Justin's frat boy antics and pulled a page out of Tyrone Biggums playbook and decided to experiment with crack-cocaine... as part of a drunken stupor. Justin, without too many options available to him, re-raised the mayor and did what any over privileged 19 year old would do: go drag race his rented Lambo and get a DUI. With Justin calling his bluff, the Mayor did the only thing a cornered card player can do, go all-in, break your promise to stay off of alcohol and get caught swearing in Jamaican patois while intoxicated, allegedly.
Even though we find this duel tremendously entertaining, it is actually quite unfair. You see, Justin realizes something about the nature of his challenger's position. I am reminded of that very famous public service announcement from my childhood of Astar the Robot: Justin can act like Charlie Sheen, Rob Ford can't.
Justin Bieber is an artist. His whole reason for being is to provide entertainment. If he did not help one single human being on this planet, he would still be able to collect his paycheck at the end of the day, how else do you think Nickelback has made it to this point? Last time I checked, Justin is not an elected official of anything. If Justin bottoms out, maybe the Bieber name will forever be tarnished, maybe Justin gets a VH1 Behind the Music special, and maybe then Drake will have a reference point of what exactly the bottom looks like.
But Mayor Ford did not start out as a celebrity, even though he has likely become one. Politicians are supposed to be boring, lead very uninteresting private lives, and eventually fade out of public life and into the name of public school. And if they are interesting or popular, it should be because of things they cannot help. Perhaps they are extremely good looking, or maybe they are irresistibly charming.
But, if you plan on taking a selfie in your boxers exposing your Anthony Weiner, getting caught picking up a prostitute, smoking crack or anything else that may land you as the question in Jeopardy, then you are no longer the king in the king's court, you have become the jester; and not even Disney has made a movie depicting a jester becoming king, that would just be too absurd. Please note, Disney has made an interracial love-story movie about a princess falling in love with a frog, if that tells you anything.
Celebrity Mugshots
Emile Hirsch(01 of33)
Open Image ModalThis Monday, March 16, 2015, booking photo provided by Summit County Sheriff's Department in Park City, Utah, shows Actor Emile Hirsch. Hirsch made his first court appearance on Monday, after being charged with assault after putting a studio executive in a chokehold and dragging her across a nightclub table while he was in Utah for the Sundance Film Festival. (AP Photo/Summit County Sheriff's Department) (credit:ASSOCIATED PRESS)
Justin Bieber(02 of33)
Open Image ModalJustin Bieber was arrested in Miami on Jan. 23 for alleged DUI and drag racing. (credit:Miami Dade Corrections)
Reese Witherspoon(03 of33)
Open Image ModalMugshot of Reese Witherspoon after she was reportedly arrested and jailed in Atlanta for disorderly conduct. (credit:PCN)
Lindsay Lohan(04 of33)
Open Image ModalThis photo provided by the Santa Monica Police Department shows the most recent booking photo of Lindsay Lohan, taken March 19, 2013. The troubled 26-year-old actress accepted a plea deal on March 18 in a misdemeanor car-crash case that includes 90 days in a locked-down rehabilitation facility that she won't be able to leave. (credit:(AP Photo/Santa Monica Police Department))
Daryl Hannah(05 of33)
Open Image ModalActress Daryl Hannah was arrested in Winnsboro, Texas on Oct. 4, 2012, along with a 78-year-old northeast Texas landowner while protesting construction of a pipeline designed to bring crude oil from Canada to Gulf Coast refineries. (credit:AP Photo/Wood County Sheriff)
Sunny Cross(06 of33)
Open Image ModalSunny Cross, who appeared on the first episode of MTV's "Catfish," was arrested at the end of Jan. 2013 on suspicion of driving while intoxicated. (credit:Washington County Sheriff's Office)
Edward Furlong(07 of33)
Open Image ModalActor Edward Furlong is seen in a police booking photo after his arrest for alleged domestic violence on January 13, 2013 in Los Angeles, California. (credit:Getty Images)
Samantha Ronson(08 of33)
Open Image ModalIn this booking photo provided by the San Bernardino County Sheriff's Office, Samantha Ronson poses for a mug shot August 1, 2011 in Barstow, California. Ronson was arrested for DUI after being pulled over for speeding near Baker, California.(Getty)
Lindsay Lohan(09 of33)
Open Image ModalIn this booking photo provided by the Los Angeles County Sheriff's Department, Lindsay Lohan is seen in a mug shot October 19, 2011 in Los Angeles, California. Lohan was arrested for probation violations and released after posting USD 100,000 bail. (Getty)
Nicolas Cage(10 of33)
Open Image ModalHere is actor Nicolas Cage after he was arrested for domestic battery in New Orleans at 6.33am on Saturday April 16. Police charged him with domestic abuse and disturbing the peace. Booking photo and report courtesy of Orleans Parish Sheriff's Office.(Splash)
Andy Dick(11 of33)
Open Image ModalAndy Dick smirks in his mugshot after being arrested at a restaurant in Temecula, California, for allegedly being under the influence of drugs or alcohol. The 45-year-old comic was listed on the booking sheet as 5ft 10in and weighing 155lbs. He was apparently at 9.20pm on May 2 at a Marie Callenders, not a restaurant chain known as a celebrity hotspot.(Splash)
Russell Brand(12 of33)
Open Image ModalRussell Brand was arrested on March 15 after allegedly throwing and smashing a photographer's iPhone in New Orleans. (New Orleans Parish Sheriff's Office) (credit:New Orleans Parish Sheriff's Office)
Lindsay Lohan(13 of33)
Open Image ModalMel Gibson(14 of33)
Open Image ModalMischa Barton(15 of33)
Open Image ModalNicole Richie(16 of33)
Open Image ModalKhloe Kardashian(17 of33)
Open Image ModalThe E! reality star was busted in March 2007 for a DUI -- and it was all caught on camera for her family's reality show, "Keeping Up With The Kardashians."
Paris Hilton(18 of33)
Open Image ModalKeifer Sutherland(19 of33)
Open Image ModalVince Neil(20 of33)
Open Image ModalBree Olson(21 of33)
Open Image ModalCharlie Sheen's porn star pal and former "goddess" was picked up for a suspected DUI in Fort Wayne, Indiana on February 3, 2011.
Haley Joel Osment(22 of33)
Open Image ModalDavid Cassidy(23 of33)
Open Image ModalThe former "Partridge Family" star wasn't singing a pretty tune when he was arrested on suspicion of DUI November 3, 2010 in Florida.
Chris Klein(24 of33)
Open Image ModalJaime Pressly(25 of33)
Open Image ModalHeather Locklear(26 of33)
Open Image ModalTaboo (Black Eyed Peas)(27 of33)
Open Image ModalMichelle Rodriguez(28 of33)
Open Image ModalThe former "Lost" star was arrested on December 1, 2005 for drunk driving in Hawaii.
Nick Nolte(29 of33)
Open Image ModalMike Tyson(30 of33)
Open Image ModalThe boxer was arrested in Scottsdale, Ariz., on December 29, 2006, for driving under the influence.
Mickey Rouke(31 of33)
Open Image ModalStephanie Pratt(32 of33)
Open Image ModalFlo Rida(33 of33)
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