They will be there, Allah's soldiers. They will visit us, the Islamic fanatics. We, the lost ones of the West, need their blessing. Upon invitation from the Collectif Indépendence, sponsored by the charitable organization HCI (Human Concern International), they will come from Europe to save us from hell. They want to cleanse us of our sacrileges. They want to show us the right path, we the perverts, the debauched, the libertines, the egotists, the impious, the miscreants. They will preach on September 7th and 8th at the Palais des congrès in Montreal. They will preach the revealed Word, denouncing the Crusades and blaming our women. And they will do so in two languages, Arabic and French. Yes, they'll use the language of l'Homme rapaillé to try and reach the lost children of Quebec. They will offer us the recipe for a ticket to paradise. So run out to hear what they have to say, my Quebecois brothers and sisters. Reserve your seats early, because there's sure to be a crowd at the Palais des congrès. It will be full of the gullible and the fanatical. There will be the curious and the bearded, students, the unemployed, the crazy, and the lonely.
Run! The young Nader Abou Anas and Farid Mounir are waiting anxiously for you. They will tell you some beautiful fables that will make you laugh and cry. Ah, those young kids will be charming. Beards combed in Afghan style, chechias welded to their heads, they will admonish you, O free women of Quebec, to wear the veil. They will speak to you under the watchful eye of their elder, Mohamed Patel, a sharia scholar. You will be seduced by the white, flowing beard of this shiek, this member of the Fatwa Council of the Centre Islamique de la Réunion. He will tell you how to eat halal. He will speak to you about the virtuous family, of putting your finances in the service of God, and will show you the treasures of Islamic science. He will introduce brother Mohamed François, an odd convert from Indre-et-Loire, who will explain how to fear Allah and how to impose the burka on the women of the Belle Province.
So run out and reserve your tickets. You won't regret it, my friends. You will contribute to the Islamification of the world and you will earn hassanats (money in the hereafter). Each ticket sold means $20 more for the Ummah's (the Muslim community's) coffers. And you won't be disappointed: Your sins will be washed away and your soul purified.
At Montreal's Palais des congrès, our devout preachers will ask you to obey, O free women of Quebec. They will forbid you to go out and party and to drink a beer on a cafe terrace. They will tell you that life down here is fleeting and that real life is elsewhere, in the hereafter.
Put away your jewelry, your perfume, your makeup containers, your pants, and your mini-skirts. Cover your bodies from head to toe, obey your spouses, and cry out that Allah is great.
As for you, free men of Quebec, our pious preachers will ask you not to dance, not to sing, not to play the guitar or the piano. They will convince you that music is the work of the devil. They will tell you that it corrupts the heart and the mind.
So forget about Céline Dion and Félix Leclerc, break your pens, burn your libraries, destroy your theatres, snuff out your lanterns and let the fanatics of Allah glorify death and the last judgment.
Run to the Palais des congrès, O free women and men of Quebec. Our venerable sheiks will sell you on backworlds where there will be virgins and rivers of wine.
But as for me, who saw this type of enlightened preaching in the stadiums and streets of Algeria in the early 1990s, which led to over 200,000 deaths and infinite suffering, how could I keep silent?
Today, I want to stand with all my strength against the laxity of the Canadian authorities; I totally embrace the Charter of Quebec Values.
We must get rid of religion in the political sphere.
Islamism is like couch grass: It feeds on cultures.
Timeline of Sharia
610(01 of17)
Open Image ModalMuhammad experiences a vision in a cave, which he and his followers will attribute to divine intervention. The communications from God, which continue for two more decades, are thought to delineate a path toward salvation -- "the sharia."(Photo: A Muslim pilgrim prays at the Hiraa cave on Noor mountain late on Nov. 13, 2010 as some 2.5 million Muslim pilgrims descend on the holy city of Mecca for the annual hajj or pilgrimage. According to tradition, Islam's Prophet Mohammed received his first message to preach Islam while praying in the cave.) (credit:MUSTAFA OZER/AFP/Getty Images)
632(02 of17)
Open Image ModalMuhammad's death sets off a succession crisis. The dispute will eventually widen into a full-blown schism between groups known as Sunnis and Shiites.(Photo: A Muslim woman prays in the courtyard of the Prophet Muhammad Mosque in the Saudi holy city of Medina on Nov. 13, 2009. Muhammad is buried in Medina's landmark mosque, which is Islam's second holiest shrine after Mecca.) (credit:MAHMUD HAMS/AFP/Getty Images)
632-51(03 of17)
Open Image ModalThe revelations voiced by Muhammad are systematically written down for the first time. Several supposedly aberrant versions of the Quran are then incinerated on the orders of Caliph Uthman.(Photo: A Pakistani girl reads verses from the Quran while attending her daily madrassa, or Islamic school, set up in a local mosque on the outskirts of Islamabad, Pakistan, April 11, 2012.) (credit:AP Photo/Muhammed Muheisen)
750-62(04 of17)
Open Image ModalRevolutionaries overthrow the dynasty that has come to control the Muslim world, in the hope of restoring perfect Islamic justice on earth. Another dynasty assumes power instead. The caliphate's center of gravity shifts from Damascus to a purpose-built capital known as 'the City of Peace' - or Baghdad.(Photo: Iraqi worshippers perform their Friday prayers in a mosque in Baghdad's Shiite suburb of Sadr City on May 4, 2012.) (credit:ALI AL-SAADI/AFP/GettyImages)
760s-800s(05 of17)
Open Image ModalCaliphs in search of political legitimacy encourage scholars based around Medina and Baghdad to develop legal principles to supplement the Quran's very limited number of rules. The scholars oblige, drawing on sources ranging from Arab tradition and Persian custom to Greek philosophy.(Photo: An Indonesian Muslim student reads from an academic religious book in an Islamic course at Al-Azhar mosque in the old city of Cairo on Dec. 4, 2011. Al-Azhar mosque, which was developed into one of the oldest Islamic universities, pays special attention to the Quranic sciences and traditions of the Islamic prophet Muhammad and all the modern fields of science.) (credit:MAHMUD HAMS/AFP/Getty Images)
840s-900s(06 of17)
Open Image ModalIraqi scholars attempt for the first time to establish and document precisely which oral traditions about Muhammad (hadiths) are authentic. Jurists use the resulting compilations to re-interpret the sharia. (Photo: Tilings of a hadith on a wall in Nishapur, Iran.) (credit:MediaWiki: )
1000s -1100s(07 of17)
Open Image ModalFive distinct bodies of legal thought become dominant, and alternative ways of understanding the sharia are sidelined.(Photo: A masked and hooded person canes Indonesian food seller Murni Amris for violating Islamic sharia law outside a mosque in Jantho, Aceh province, on Oct. 1, 2010. Two women were caned in Indonesia's staunchly Muslim Aceh province for selling food during the fasting hour of Ramadan, an official said.) (credit:CHAIDEER MAHYUDDIN/AFP/Getty Images)
1218-58(08 of17)
Open Image ModalAn army led by Genghis Khan invades the Muslim world through what is now northern Pakistan, and one of his grandsons renews the onslaught four decades later. Baghdad falls into Mongol hands, and the city's last caliph is rolled into a carpet and trampled to death. Despair and chaos ensue. (credit:MediaWiki: Chinneeb)
Early 1300s(09 of17)
Open Image ModalIn response to the ongoing Mongol threat, new ideas about the sharia proliferate. Some are defensive and others are aggressive, but most concern themselves more with the mystical search for God than with questions of compulsion and force. (Photo: Mongol army.) (credit:MediaWiki: )
1453(10 of17)
Open Image ModalThe Ottomans capture Constantinople. Successive sultans assert control over their expanding empire by trying to summarize God's law in statutory form - an innovation that early Muslims would have considered heretical. (Photo: Mehmed II entering Constantinople.) (credit:MediaWiki: Jagatai)
1857-8(11 of17)
Open Image ModalThe British suppress a major rebellion against their rule over India, intensifying the imperialist ambitions of several European powers. In response, Muslims increasingly associate the sharia with self-determination, as national and religious identities fuse.(Photo: Captain William Hodson captured the King of Delhi during the "Indian Mutiny" or First war of Indian Independence.) (credit:MediaWiki: )
1920s(12 of17)
Open Image ModalA clan known as the Saudis seize control of the Arabian peninsula after a brutal civil war. Its leaders allow religious scholars to enforce a particularly harsh brand of Islamic law.(Photo: Saudi women stand outside a gift shop on Feb. 14, 2012 in the capital Riyadh, where open celebration of Valentine's Day is officially banned along with the desert kingdom's strict Islamic laws.) (credit:FAYEZ NURELDINE/AFP/Getty Images)
1970s(13 of17)
Open Image ModalColonel Gaddafi becomes the first ruler since Ottoman times to enact statutes authorizing the punishment of Islamic crimes. A coup in Pakistan, a revolution in Iran, and the Soviet invasion of Afghanistan kick off an era of radicalization that will mean he is not the last. (Photo: President Gamal Abdal Nasser of Egypt (right) with the Leader of the Libyan Revolution, Muammar al-Gaddafi in 1969.) (credit:MediaWiki: Roxanna)
1981(14 of17)
Open Image ModalExtremists assassinate Egyptian President Anwar al-Sadat. They object to his willingness to make peace with Israel, and justify the killing by citing 14th century legal opinions about the Mongol invasions.(Photo: An undated picture shows late Egyptian President Anwar Sadat (L) waving to a crowd as Vice-President Hosni Mubarak (R) laughs beside him standing in a convertible vehicle. Mubarak came to office as Egypts fourth president after late President Anwar Sadat was slained by a group of military Islamist fundamentalists with allegiance to the Al-Jihad during a military parade Oct. 6, 1981.) (credit:AFP PHOTO/AFP/Getty Images)
1983(15 of17)
Open Image ModalA year on from an Israeli invasion of Lebanon, Shiite fighters kill hundreds of foreign soldiers with the first ever suicide bomb. Some scholars formulate new legal theories to validate the tactic retrospectively.(Photo: Hezbollah fighters parade during a ceremony organized by the militant Shiite Muslim group on the occasion of Martyr's Day in the southern suburbs of Beirut Nov. 11, 2009.) (credit:RAMZI HAIDAR/AFP/Getty Images)
1989(16 of17)
Open Image ModalAyatollah Khomeini demands that "The Satanic Verses" author Salman Rushdie be killed for blasphemy -- a sin for which the Quran itself mandates no penalty.(Photo: A veiled Iranian woman walks past a mural depicting Iranian late revolutionary founder Ayatollah Khomeini, painted on the wall of the former US Embassy, in Tehran, Iran, where Iranian militant students seized in November 1979.) (credit:AP Photo/Vahid Salemi)
Today(17 of17)
Open Image ModalIn the aftermath of 9/11, hardliners continue to insist that Islamic jurisprudence is timeless. History continues to prove them wrong.(Photo: In this Friday, May 25, 2012 photo, Muslim hardliners of Islamic Defenders Front (FPI) hold banners during a protest against Lady Gaga in Jakarta, Indonesia. As the U.S. pop star canceled her sold out concert in Jakarta over security concerns after Muslim hardliners threatened to use violence against her, many started to question the extremists' double standard towards the raunchy dangdut shows performed almost every night by young Indonesian women who turn up everywhere from smokey bars and ritzy nightclubs to weddings and even circumcisions. Dangdut is the most popular music among lower class people in Indonesia.) (credit:AP Photo/Dita Alangkara)