Today is our wedding anniversary.
Seven years married, 11 years together.
People look at the husband Conor is and tell me how "lucky" I am. He does the dishes whenever they need to be done (and they always need to be done). He doesn't bat an eye at being home with the three kids if I am off away somewhere. He listens to me with kindness, like a long lost friend catching up around the dinner table. He encourages me in my passions and listens to all my grand schemes that he knows I'll never follow through on. He wakes up with our kids so I can sleep and makes them the best French toast ever. He pulls our kids close and kisses them, teaches them, sings to them, walks with them through their heartaches. He dances with me in the kitchen, works himself ragged for our family and never ever complains about all the things he is doing less of now that we are a full house. I have only praise for him.
I also like to think that I love him with as much devotion and tenderness even though I'm the first to admit that sometimes I'm a bag of cray cray.
When they tell me I'm lucky to have him, I have to say, I don't believe it is because of luck. I actually don't believe in "luck" at all.
The fact is that we weren't always good to each other. We weren't always happy. We started out immature, selfish and defensive simply fuelled on passion for each other that we didn't know how to temper. We've had our share of faults and bad habits that we brought into this relationship. We've both done and said things we wish we could take back. And even though we've now found a groove as parents, there were months, years, where all of our existing problems bubbled to the surface under the pressures of having kids.
We both worked hard to make it through these eleven years. We paid money and twisted schedules to fit in (necessary) marriage counselling. Long late night talks on the couch where we both wanted to get up and leave, but we sat there, with tears in our eyes wondering how on earth we would make this work. Then there was the resentment, one of the most crippling scourges on a marriage. Resentment would fill up until our gazes were stone and we felt numb towards each other. Only kindness can melt resentment. Making your actions kind when your heart wants to call it a day is when devotion becomes intentional. Marriage has to be intentional through all the crusty, thorny, cold and disappointing parts.
I'm not saying we know it all. If a perfect marriage is cruising a back country road in a sports car, we are still tailgating at the lake in an old Ford. I am saying it's been a struggle, but that we both worked tremendously hard at loving each other better, differently and more wholeheartedly.
One of the hardest things in my life has been to let myself be open, be changed, be less controlling of how I love. Marriage has been one of the harder things in my life.
Just as I won't call it luck, we can't take sole responsibility either. I'm sure God could fill an ocean with my teary prayers to Him. Alone on a bedroom floor, lifting up our burdens to Him. Begging Him to give me more love, more patience, more passion, more humility in my marriage. For I have this in limited, tightly-clenched supply and God's is endless and flowing freely. If there is one prayer I rely on it is that God would bless us with the marriage He wants for us, rather than the one I think we need to have.
So, here's to 11 years. Where doors were shut, new ones opened. Where our hearts groaned and ached as they were being changed. Where we fought resentment and disappointment all because we longed for a friendship and love that outlast the painful times. Like I see my grandparents have.
I remember telling Conor when we got engaged, "If you thought I've loved you before, you ain't seen nothing yet." Though he just smiled, he's echoed this back to me. I thank God for him.
Shawna writes at Simple on Purpose where she shares how much she sucks at minimalism, her mom fails, that time she "Pretty Womaned" her husband and simplifying her closet. Also follow her on Facebook.
Grandparents' Best Marriage Advice
1. Keep up the PDA(01 of15)
Open Image Modal"I've never seen a photo of my grandparents where they weren't embracing -- whether it was when they were dating, had five kids under age 8, or just before my grandfather died of cancer. I couldn't wait to grow up and have what they had with someone. They were a real life fairy tale." - Cari Watts-Savage (credit:Courtesy of Cari Watts-Savage )
2. You don't have to agree on everything(02 of15)
Open Image Modal"My grandparents were married for 65 years until my grandma passed away last summer. Opposite religions, opposite politics and they still made it work. I have a lot to live up to!" - Clare Dych (credit:Courtesy of Clare Dych)
3. Age ain't nothin' but a number(03 of15)
Open Image Modal"I asked my grandma why she married my grandpa who she only dated for one year when she was 18 and he was 31. She answered me, 'Why not? He was hot back then!' My grandparents weren't the lovey-dovey type and actually distant, I think, due to the 13-year age gap. But they didn't bail, they're faithful, they kept each other for better or worse, in sickness and health, through thick and thin." - Tze Tonn Ng (credit:Courtesy of Tze Tonn Ng)
4. You can do anything if you do it together(04 of15)
Open Image Modal"After 40 years of smoking five packs of cigarettes a day together, they decided to quit with no outside help. And they did. Together." - Michelle Brown (credit:Michelle Brown)
5. Marriage is not something to be taken lightly(05 of15)
Open Image Modal"When I got married, my grandmother and grandfather had been married some 68 years. My grandmother gave me her blessings and told me that if I got married, I had to stay married and it was a lifetime commitment." - Leslie Johnson (credit:Terry & Leslie Johnson)
6. Be with someone who makes you laugh(06 of15)
Open Image Modal"My grandparents were always teasing each other. We all got such a kick out of it growing up, hanging out in their kitchen and listening to them when we were over there for dinner. But it also showed us how important it is to be with someone that you'll have fun with, no matter what life may throw at you." - Kristen Girone (credit:Courtesy of Kristen Girone)
7. Never stop flirting with each other(07 of15)
Open Image Modal"Pinch butts." - Sarah Hosseini (credit:Courtesy of Sarah Hosseini)
8. Your roles may shift in ways you never imagined(08 of15)
Open Image Modal"My grandparents very much conformed to regular gender roles my entire childhood, but when my grandmom got sick, it was amazing to see my granddad taking care of her and cooking and cleaning. They really proved to me that true love lasts a lifetime and that marriage can last 'until death do you part.'" - Carrie Burke (credit:Courtesy of Carrie Burke)
9. Always kiss hello and goodbye(09 of15)
Open Image Modal"My maternal grandparents always kiss and say 'I love you' before they leave and it's the first thing they do when they come together again -- whether it's a run to the grocery store or a full day's work." - J. Williams (credit:Courtesy of J. Williams )
10. You never know who you'll fall in love with(10 of15)
Open Image Modal"I learned that love is unexpected, and anyone can fall in love, even if the relationship is shunned by society. Their love was somewhat reminiscent of Romeo and Juliet in the sense that they were both on different sides of society, but fell in love and had to keep their relationship secret at first." - Carter Garcia-Kimura (credit:Courtesy of Carter Garcia-Kimura )
11. Find joy in the little things(11 of15)
Open Image Modal"They found joy in sharing the details of daily living. Always smiling, even when doing the weekly budget or grandma peeling a banana for grandpa because she knew he didn't like the feel of it." - Kristen Van Orden (credit:Courtesy of Kristen Van Orden)
12. Not every day is going to be a picnic and that's OK(12 of15)
Open Image Modal"You don't have to like each other every day." - Nicole Snyder (credit:Courtesy of Nicole Snyder)
13. It takes two people to make a marriage work(13 of15)
Open Image Modal"They divorced after three kids and nearly 40 years of marriage, but my grandmother has always told me: A relationship will never work unless [both people] want it to." - Mina Barnett (credit:Mina Barnett)
14. Sometimes your first love isn't your forever love(14 of15)
Open Image Modal"You might not get things right the first time, but you can't give up because it could be the second time that you find true happiness. My grandparents have been together for 25 years and although my grandpa is not my biological one, he is the best thing to happen to our family and I could not love him more." - Natasha Baker-Streit (credit:Gabriel Harber Photography)
15. Never stop doing the things you love together(15 of15)
Open Image Modal"They share a sense of humor and make it a priority to do things they enjoy together, even though that has become harder for them with age." - Theresa Kelliher (credit:Courtesy of Theresa Kelliher)