Colleges Vie to Be Evenhanded

Expanding their diversity mission, most colleges now counsel right-handed students of the dangers of handism. “Many students are not even aware of their intolerable handiest hate speech,” said Andrea Schwartz, Vice President for Diversity and Social Justice at Swarthmore College. “They don’t understand the shame and trauma the differently handed experience when they hear words such as “sinister”, “dexterous,” “awkward.” We are trying to end the marginalization of this oppressed group by introducing ice cream scoops that can be operated with the left hand.””

The University of New Hampshire, which outlawed handiest hate speech in 2013, now requires right handed students to experience the degrading world of the differently handed. “For one week during freshmen orientation, right handers must dine at tables with knife and drinking glasses set on the left to experience the demeaning reality that the differently handed face knowing that the world is not designed for them.” said Willard Robinson, Vice Chancellor for Diversity and Empathy. “These students spend then the next week using zippers designed for the left hand. This allows them to empathize with the differently handed.“ Meaghan Florence, who recently underwent this training, said, “It helped me emphasize with the differently handed. I would never date one of them, but at least I can now empathize with them.”

In 2015 the University of Wisconsin at Madison opened the first academic department of Differently Handed Studies. “All too often incoming freshman, tainted by near universal handiest prejudice and discrimination, believe being differently handed is disgraceful and ignominious.” said Richard Howard, Vice Provost for Diversity and Climate. * “They enter college thinking there is something wrong with them. We teach them at to take pride in their unique culture and achievements. We want them to celebrate the contributions to society by the differently handed. We now proudly offers courses such as “Art of the Differently Handed” that studies the works of Michelangelo, Raphael, Leonardo, Picasso and Durer. “

Beginning this September, Amherst College will require professors to issue trigger warning whenever assigning reading by a right handed author. “Without knowing it, many right-handed authors are guilty of abusive microaggressions such as the use of the words “gauche” and “adroit” or the expressions “left handed compliment” and “having the right stuff,” said Marion Wellcraft, Dean for Diversity and Scolding. “For example the Bible says the just are seated on the right side of God, so we warn the differently handed about possibly upsetting material this book. Shakespeare, Dante and Goethe were such blatant handists that we no longer include them in our curriculum.”

Columbia University’s Abdul Mumtaz, Senior Associate Dean for Inclusion and Umbrage, stated, “We shun the term “differently handed” as pejorative and isolating. We call them “equally handed” and they are the most marginalized of all minority groups, Can you imagine the fury if can openers did not work for Hispanics or scissors did not work for Jews? There would be daily protests and New Your Times editorials asking ‘How much long must we tolerate this outrage?’ But no one seems to care that the equally handed are often injured by table saws designed for right handers.” Columbia promises “safe places” where equally handed students are protected from the microaggressions and malicious insults of handist bigots. Thus safeguarded, the equally handed and can gather to discuss the humiliations they endured as vulnerable adolescents such as right handed spiral notebooks, right handed desks and smearing ink on countless crossword puzzles.

Despite their efforts to integrate left-handers into campus life, many universities have been less welcoming in their own facilities. For example, Harvard has no tenured professors who are left handed. “We do have one who is ambidextrous. We had left handed one in the 1950s, but he kept bumping other professors’ elbows at the Harvard Faculty Club, causing them to spill their tea, coffee and jalapeño margaritas on thier tweed jackets.” Harvard President Drew Gilpin Faust explained.

*The University of Wisconsin at Madison has a Vice Provost for Diversity and Climate. According to the University, “Principal duties include providing guidance and recommendations to the chancellor, provost and other campus and UW System leadership in matters of diversity, equity and inclusion; overseeing implementation of UW–Madison’s new Diversity Framework and working with campus units to create and maintain robust pathways for diverse and underrepresented populations. “

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