Most of us can probably recall a time when we got into an explosive fight with a friend as teenagers.
“That stage of life is all about figuring out who you are, which means emotions run high and identity can feel more fragile,” said Kristin Anderson, licensed clinical social worker, founder of Madison Square Psychotherapy. “Because teens are still developing emotion regulation skills, small misunderstandings can escalate quickly in ways that are less common in adult relationships.”
Once we reach adulthood, though, things have typically calmed down quite significantly. Either we don’t see our friends often enough for conflict to arise, or when a misunderstanding or misalignment does happen, we carefully avoid the issue in the hopes it will go away.
“It is certainly common for friends to have misunderstandings, hurt feelings and differences of opinion. And then there are bigger issues, which can lead to friends ending their relationships,” said Saba Harouni Lurie, licensed marriage and family therapist, founder of Take Root Therapy. “In my experience, people are often conflict-avoidant, and it’s not uncommon for folks to withdraw from friendships without ever addressing the issues at hand. They may elect to take space until things blow over, or they may avoid one another altogether.”
In reality, fighting with friends — much like fighting with a partner — isn’t something to shy away from; in fact, not only does it often signal a close friendship to begin with, but it can also deepen the friendship in turn by bringing in new vulnerability.
“Fighting can be seen as a sign of closeness, but it’s also what allows for closeness, because the repair that happens after a fight helps us feel more connected and more safe in the relationship,” said Harouni Lurie. “When friends are willing to work through their issues rather than let them fester or try to sweep them under the rug, it shows that the relationship matters enough to risk discomfort to take care of it.”
If you and a friend find yourself in an argument, there is no other way to work through it: You have to communicate.
“When friends are willing to work through their issues rather than let them fester or try to sweep them under the rug, it shows that the relationship matters enough to risk discomfort to take care of it.”
- Saba Harouni Lurie, licensed marriage and family therapist, founder of Take Root Therapy.
“I would encourage folks to approach conflict with curiosity instead of defensiveness and to try to understand their friend’s perspective, even if they don’t agree with it,” said Harouni Lurie. “It’s also important to be willing to take accountability for your part in the conflict and to be clear about what you need going forward.”
Then the two of you can come up with a solution that works for everyone. Of course, sometimes an issue doesn’t have a solution, in which case you can either live with it or “break up” the friendship — something the experts said is actually pretty common.
In any case, keep reading for some of the most common friendship fights and how experts suggest you work through each one.
Misunderstandings And Miscommunication
The fight: Misunderstandings happen in every relationship, but if we don’t address them in the moment, they can devolve into resentment, fights and relationship breakdown. Unfortunately, in friendship, many people don’t feel equipped to address miscommunications.
“In cases like this, one friend might feel hurt or insulted by something the other said, and instead of asking for clarification, they may pull back,” Harouni Lurie said. “The other friend might not even realize anything is wrong, or they sense tension but don’t know what caused it.”
If a friendship means a lot to you, it’s important to assume the other person had the best intentions. “When looking at our own behavior, we give ourselves the benefit of the doubt (we were tired, or busy, or meant well),” said Anderson. “But when a friend’s text feels off or their tone rubs us the wrong way, we often don’t offer them that same grace. Instead, we assume they’re mad or don’t care, and we pull away.”
The solution: Obviously, not all misunderstandings are created equal, and you may be able to move on from a small one easily. But if you were really hurt by a miscommunication or if they keep happening in a specific friendship, you can smooth things over by asking the simple question, “What did you mean by that?” said Anderson.
Passive-aggression is likely to do more harm than good, said Harouni Lurie, adding that you should try naming how you understood your friend’s comments or actions before asking if that’s what they meant. “The friend who made the original comment can clarify their intention and apologize if necessary,” the expert said. “The key here is creating space for both people to feel heard.”
One-Sided Friendships
The fight: Friendships naturally go through seasons when one person in the dynamic isn’t able to give as much as the other, but if this isn’t a season in the dynamic but the dynamic itself, this can naturally lead to fights. “Getting stuck in one-sided needs being met … can lead to overfunctioning, burnout and resentment on the part of you, the ‘giving’ friend,” said Layne Baker, licensed marriage and family therapist, a psychotherapist in Los Angeles, California.
The solution: If your friendship wasn’t always one-sided but has become so, perhaps because your friend was going through a difficult transition and your friendship got stuck in that dynamic: “Bring your feelings to your friend, starting with a heap of empathy for their experience and understanding that they needed you in a bigger way,” Baker said. “Then share your desire to re-establish more equity between you so both sides of the friendship benefit from taking up space and getting support, sharing life updates, and celebrating wins. Be honest about why this matters to you, and give your friend room to respond.”
The expert stressed the importance of listening to your friend here, rather than focusing solely on your side of the story.
Different Expectations For Friendship
The fight: Similarly to a one-sided friendship, two friends with different expectations for friendship can breed difficult feelings. Whereas in a one-sided friendship, your friend might specifically ask for a lot of support while not providing any in return, having different expectations might mean that you naturally offer a ton of support, unaware that your friend doesn’t expect that from you, and therefore doesn’t return it.
But different expectations can take many forms, such as “frequency of contact or time together” and “following through when they make plans,” Harouni Lurie said.
Baker also cited the example of bringing your partner along to plans with your friend, assuming they won’t mind, when they were actually looking forward to catching up with you one-on-one. Harouni Lurie added that mismatches in expectations can be exacerbated at different stages of life, such as when one friend becomes a parent or starts a new job.
The solution: While so many of us might naturally resort to letting resentment fester rather than addressing the issue, it’s best to tackle it head-on if you’re able.
“In these instances, it can be so helpful to make expectations explicit,” said Harouni Lurie. “That means having a conversation about what you each need from the friendship and what you’re realistically able to give right now. Being specific and forthcoming helps both people understand what the other needs and whether they can meet those needs.” The expert also recommended revisiting this conversation as life circumstances change.
Big Life Changes
The fight: We evolve over time, and inevitably so do our friendships — particularly when one friend moves away, has a child, or starts a new, demanding job. “That kind of shift can make the other person feel left behind, even if no one meant to hurt anyone,” said Anderson. “It’s easy to start assuming they don’t care or you’re no longer a priority. But often, it’s not about connection fading. It’s about capacity and changing rhythms.”
The solution: Like with most (all?) conflicts in friendship, “The only way through that is to name it,” Anderson said. “You can say, ‘I know things feel different right now and I want to talk about what staying connected could look like.’ Most friendships can stretch, but not if you pretend nothing’s changed.”
Not Liking A Friend’s Partner
The fight: Not liking a friend’s partner is common, and it can unfortunately alter a friendship in painful ways — whether you’re the one who doesn’t like your friend’s significant other or they don’t like yours.
“It can be common for not liking a friend’s partner to result in fighting, especially if the friend-partner dynamic is so off that it’s disruptive when you’re spending time together,” said Baker. “You can choose your friends, but you cannot choose their partners; and sometimes a friend already has or chooses a partner that you don’t vibe with.”
The solution: There are many reasons you might dislike your friend’s partner, some more subjective than others, and how to resolve this fight depends heavily on what your reason is.
“Not liking a friend’s partner because you observe them to treat your friend (or others) poorly or cause harm in some way is reason enough to gently talk to your friend and share your concerns (keeping in mind they may dismiss your worries, which you cannot control),” Baker said. “But if you don’t like a partner simply because they aren’t someone you’d otherwise choose to be around, you don’t have things in common, you just don’t connect with them, or you feel as though the partner takes your friend’s attention away from you, that is a ‘you’ problem to work through separate from your friend.”
A good solution might mean asking your friend to hang out without partners when possible. At events where the partner will be present, focus on changing your attitude towards them; it doesn’t mean you suddenly have to be best friends — just accept their presence and try to find neutral ground with them.
“You don’t have to ‘like’ or ‘be friends’ with a friend’s partner, and that’s OK,” Baker added.
Misaligned Values
The fight: Having different, incompatible values is common, especially in friendships forged in childhood or young adulthood, since our values constantly evolve throughout our lives.
“Values are made up of the things that matter to you and what you care to protect the most; they can be informed by your boundaries, your ways of being and behaving, your spiritual beliefs, and political views,” said Baker. “These are all things that may shift over the timeline of a friendship.”
The solution: Differing values aren’t a death sentence for your friendship, unless this dynamic “causes harm or undermines that all-important psychological safety,” said Baker.
If that isn’t the case for you, “focus on what values you do continue to share, as they can help sustain a sturdy baseline for your friendship,” Baker suggested. “And, engage in curious dialogue about your emerging differences. Be open to the person your friend is becoming as you embrace your personal evolution as well.”
Building Resentment
The fight: All of the fights above and more, if left unresolved, can eventually turn into resentment — even if each individual issue feels small at the time. “Confrontation is uncomfortable, and we will absorb that discomfort by sweeping things under the rug rather than risk a conflict with a friend,” Baker said.
The solution: Unfortunately for the conflict-averse among us (and isn’t that most of us?), there’s really no way around this: You have to talk things out with your friend.
“I’m not suggesting you bring up every teensy thing that irks you about your friend every time, but if there are some recurring themes in your friendship that don’t feel right, naming those things is crucial if you want to achieve resolution,” said Baker. “The point of talking things out isn’t to simply unburden your icks and resentments, but rather to invite your friend to join with you in figuring out what needs to change.”
You never know; a conversation like this may just save your friendship.