Dealing with the behaviors and nuances of a child with ADHD is oftentimes distressing not only for parents but for caregivers and siblings as well.
It’s been five years since our son’s diagnosis. Since then, we’ve learned a few things about our son and what works and doesn’t work to make his and our lives go smoother. This is by no means an exhaustive list and what works for our family may not work for others.
1. Timing is everything. The timing of medicine is super critical. You don’t want to give your child their medicine too early or it will be out of their system while they are still at school. If you give it to them too late, they will be a bear to wake up and most likely will be late to school. If your child needs an after school dose, you want to make sure they have enough time to eat before their appetite is whisked away. Timing is everything for a parent of a kid with ADHD.
Oftentimes my husband and I will be cooking a pizza at 11 pm because our son hasn’t eaten all day (thanks to the side effects of his medicine) and we can’t say “no” to cooking him a pizza because he’s lost weight since being prescribed his medicine. As a parent, you feel pinched by that clock. Of course eating a pizza at 11 pm poses a problem on a school night when you know that your child should be in bed getting rest for the next day but since he only now has an appetite, there’s not much you can do. I almost feel like I am running a race when it comes to timing and medicine. I once ran to the local take and bake pizza store, hurrying because my son needed his afternoon pill and I had a small window before his medicine would kick in and when I could get him to eat. I had bumped into a friend at the store and I could feel the sweat pouring off me as I struggled between wanting to be polite, yet needing to get the heck out of the store so I could go bake the pizza. And yes, pizza is my son’s favorite food!
2. Don’t run out of medication. This should be a golden rule of parenting a child with ADHD. Never ever wait until the last minute to refill their prescription. Save yourself the time of running around to 10 different pharmacies because all of the other pharmacies in town don’t have enough medicine to fill your son’s prescription (True story). Stockpile leftover medicine in case of a zombie apocalypse!
3. Remind yourself that for a lot of their behaviors, they can’t control them! They can’t control their bodies, their mouths, their thoughts and actions. While this thinking does not excuse them, it gives you better perspective in dealing with their behavior.
4.Enjoy the time they are on medication, when their brain slows down and they are able to reveal their true selves, speak their true thoughts and emotions. For us, this is a magical time that has shown us our child is smart, witty, and loves science and math. We would have never known these things if it were not for medication.
5. Encourage friendships with other ADHD kids. Our son has a friend whom he’s known since preschool and who also has ADHD. We’ve often remarked that the two seem to share the same brain and are totally in sync with one another. While having the two together is rough on us as parents, we know that this friendship is beneficial for our son. He once told us that this friend is the only person that truly understands what it is like to be him. While having them both together can sometimes be like a cyclone, it’s a friendship he treasures and so do we.
6. Remember to breathe when your child gets stuck. For us, our son gets stuck on things he wants to do, things he wants to buy, or places he wants to go. We tell him he can do those things tomorrow or later in the week. For him, this is not sufficient and he will constantly ask us to go somewhere or do something because in his mind it has to be done now. While it can be frustrating as a parent, your job is to steer your child out of their cyclical thinking and reassure them that if XYZ is not done immediately, they will be okay.
7. Planning is important! Plan homework around your child. For our son, if he’s been up late the night before because his medicine didn’t leave his system and kept him up past his bedtime, I know when he comes home from school he will not be able to focus enough to do his homework. In those cases, I plan to give him his medicine early the next morning so he can do his homework before school. That also requires planning ahead to make sure he gets a good night sleep. For handwriting or coloring homework, I try to break those tasks up. For instance, I will have him work on some of his assignment after school and the rest the next morning before school. For our son, like most kids with ADHD, handwriting and coloring are difficult tasks. When I see my son is fidgety, I’ll help by coloring for him. He tells me what colors he wants a picture to be and I will color some for him or color together with him. It’s important to understand your child’s abilities as well as what challenges them and don’t sweat the small stuff. If my son can whiz through an Algebra assignment in 3rd grade but gets stuck on a coloring assignment, I’m not going to worry about it and neither should he.
8. Recognize their feelings and frustrations. One night as our whole family drove home after having dinner out, our son was exploding-literally-in the back of our van. He was hurling insults and swear words at his siblings and us. At one point, he was so frustrated and shouted “You don’t know what it is like to be me!” This was a good reminder for us that we don’t know what it is like to have ADHD. The other morning our son was was silently crying in the middle of our hallway. He wasn’t whining or complaining. He just didn’t want to go to school. He said nothing in particular about school was bothering him and we ruled out bullying. This too was another reminder that despite medication and behavioral therapy, for kids with ADHD, everyday is a struggle. Keeping it together at school and on the bus takes amazing tenacity. In that moment when our son was crying about not wanting to go to school, my husband and I stopped what we were doing and took time to recognize our son’s feelings. We took turns hugging him and more importantly we validated his feelings instead of dismissing them.
9. Plan a free day. I allow our son to choose one day where he does not have to go to school. I call it a mental health day and my son and I spend that day doing what he wants. For instance on his chosen day last year we went bowling and played tennis. While I don’t condone skipping school, I do believe that one day a year works for our family in helping to recharge our son. While a free day may not be feasible for everyone, a way to be with your child in the moment would be to take the time to do just what they want, like go to a park or see a movie. Even a half day outing can provide much needed recharge time for you and your child.
10. Give credence to the affect your child’s condition has on the rest of the family. Siblings may have a hard time when their brother or sister acts out or swears at them. Having a periodic conversation with each of your children to listen to their feelings and concerns is important. By helping them understand why their sibling with ADHD acts a certain way may help your non-ADHD children cope better and learn ways of dealing with the problem behaviors of others. Don’t forget about your spouse or other caregivers and be sure to talk and listen to them as well. My husband and I have a system where we are able to recognize when the other has reached their limit. It’s as simple as my husband saying “I’m out” or “I’m done” that I know it is my turn to step in and take over parenting our son for the moment. This allows my husband time to step back, take a break and regroup. Kids can be challenging and demanding at times especially kids with ADHD. Allow yourself a time out from the chaos. When you do step back into the ring, you’ll be better equipped to handle your child’s difficult behaviors.