Our brain is a social organ made to be in relationship. Human beings are hardwired for social connection. As infants we are born into relationship and research shows that lack of human contact can prevent normal development or death in infants. Belonging to a group and forming relationships is as important to our survival as the need for food, shelter and safety.
In fact, according to the Mental Health Foundation, “not being connected to others can be as bad for your health as smoking 15 cigarettes a day. It can lead to higher blood pressure, poor sleep, damaged immunity and put us at significantly higher risk of developing certain diseases.”
Not only are relationships important for our health and well-being, social connection also leads to healthier and happier lives according to sociologist Christine Carter, PhD, an executive director of the University of California at Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center. Carter says, "We know from 50 years of research that social connections are an incredibly important, if not the most important, contributor to happiness, and it's not just the quality, but also the quantity of the bonds: the more connections your child makes, the better."
What better way to cultivate social connection in children then through altruism, which provides deeper and more meaningful relationships. Teaching our children about altruism is one thing, but giving them opportunities to exercise altruism and practice concern for the welfare of others allows them to recognise their capacity to be empathetic and kind. As parents, we want our children to have meaningful relationships and feel connected which impacts how we view ourselves as human beings.
Start early in promoting good relationships for your child. Actively talk about the importance of relationships and make sure you show it through your own actions too. Don’t reward them for their acts of kindness but rather give positive reinforcement such as ‘you are such a kind and caring child because you did {whatever the act of kindness was}’. Rewarding altruistic behaviour has been shown to cause an “over justification affect” undermining the child’s natural motivation to do good. However, positive feedback can help the child to develop a ‘caring’ identity, according to Dr. Kimberly Schonert-Reichl, an author, award-winning teacher, researcher and professor at the University of British Columbia.
You’ll be surprised just how many opportunities arise in our daily lives to connect with those around us and deepen the quality of our relationships. The key is to find ways to be altruistic on a personal level rather than the usual faceless/nameless route for example when we give our children some money to buy a cupcake at the bake sale at school for charity.
By all means, I’m not saying we shouldn’t do that but it doesn’t have the added bonus of cultivating social connections and in my opinion, it’s a missed opportunity to help children feel more connected to the the world and humanity.
Here are a few easy ideas to get you started which I’ve tried and tested with my children ages 5 and 7. Make sure to give them an opportunity to reflect on the experience and share how they felt about what they did. This is a very important element which is often missed out.
5 ways to cultivate social connection in children through altruism
- Have your children draw a picture or write a thank you note for the postman or road sweeper and hand deliver it. Make sure they introduce themselves and get to know his/her name when they deliver it.
- Get your children write to a PenPal in another country and as a bonus you could sponsor their school meals or education for the year. Ideally your child should continue to write to the same PenPal throughout the year and beyond.
- Have your children draw a picture or write a letter to an elder relative or senior citizen in a local retirement home and hand deliver it. Your child’s smile can make someone’s day.
- At the end of the school year have your child write a note to each student in his/her class.
- Volunteer in a soup kitchen or food bank as a family. If possible, have your child spend time interacting with the children visiting either by offering to read stories to them, give tattoos, hand out homemade loom bands, or anything they feel inspired to do.
Adina is the founder and director of the International charity In-Visible, a youth advocate, reiki master, meditator, writer, training as a child psychotherapist, & mother of two. You can find her on facebook, instagram, and twitter.