Keeping a relationship with your ex can be tricky - especially for your current partner.
Survey people around you and you are likely to find that several of them have exes they have stayed close to even after the split. This can be for a variety of reasons like kids, friends or just a mutual enjoyment of one another.
But how well does this relationship typically go over with the new person in your life. Understandably the presence of an ex-anything-romantic can cause problems in a new relationship. After all, the boundaries used to be much more fluid between the two of you. So, if you want to smoothly navigate the new relationship and keep the old, take a look at these important tips.
- Be up front. You are friends with an ex but are cultivating a new relationship. Don’t keep your friendship and former relationship a secret. Telling your new love that you have a close friend with whom you share a romantic history avoids any appearance of secrecy. It may feel a bit uncomfortable at first, but consider the discomfort when it comes out at a party that person the two of you have been hanging out with is someone you have intimate knowledge of.
- Ask how they feel. Without offering to give up the friendship, ask your new partner to be up front about their feelings. They may not like it and you will need to find a way to accept and respect that. Over time that may all change, but in the meantime knowing that you still enjoy the company of someone who once occupied your heart can make anyone a little uncomfortable.
- Introduce them (when the time is right). Removing the element of the “unknown” is a big and important step. Especially if they - either one of them - is really important to you. Many people will build up the image of the ex in their head as having the looks of a model and the intelligence of a Nobel Prize winner. When they realize this person is just as normal as they are it can make things much more comfortable.
- Watch what you say. Be careful when singing the praises of the ex. Touting too many amazing attributes can cause your new love to feel insecure and wonder why you ever broke up in the first place.
- Show your affection – to the right person. While many tend to be huggers and some of us cheek kissers, you may need to watch this type of display when it comes to the ex. Your new partner may look at that and read more into it. If nothing else it can be like showing them a picture of what you two used to look like together.
- Avoid “inside” jokes and stories. Reminiscing can be fun, but it can also feel exclusionary when you were not part of it to begin with. This is true in general, but when the stories of “that one weekend” or “that crazy night” are between you and a former lover you have just put your new partner in an uncomfortable and unfair position.
- Practice Boundaries. Setting boundaries with your ex will show your present partner there is nothing to fear. Making it clear that your current partner is your first priority and reserving affectionate gestures, uninterrupted time and special moments just for them will help.
The bottom line is that if you are lucky enough to have maintained a close and healthy relationship with your ex (or exes) you need to be mindful and considerate of your current and future relationships. If you are not, you may find yourself with many exes and no “presents.”
You can read more advice from Dr. Kurt at Guy Stuff Counseling, Facebook, Google+, or Twitter.