Art Buchwald's Advice to Republicans Today*

*WASHINGTON: These are difficult times for people who are defending the Trump Administration. No matter where they go they are attacked by pseudo liberals, Clinton lovers, heterosexual constitutionalists, and paranoid Jim Comey believers.

As a public service, I am writing up a list of instant responses for loyal Trumpsters when they are attacked at a party. Please cut this list out and carry it in your pocket.

1. Everyone does it.

2. What about Monica Lewinsky?

3. A President can’t keep track of EVERYTHING his staff and family members do.

4. The press is blowing the whole thing up.

5. Whatever Trump did was for national security.

6. The Democrats are sore because they lost the election.

7. Are you going to believe a rat like Jim Comey or the President of the United States?

8. Wait till ALL the facts come out.

9. What about Monica Lewinsky?

10. If you impeach Trump, you get Pence.

11. The only thing wrong with Russiagate is Donny Jr. got caught.

12. What about Wikileaks releasing classified information?

13. It happens in Europe all the time.

14. People would be against Trump no matter what he did.

15. I’d rather have a liar in the White House than a fool.

16. LBJ used to read FBI files late at night.

17. What’s the big deal about finding out what your opposition is up to?

18. The President was too busy running for office to know what was going on.

19. What about Monica Lewinksy?

20. People who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones.

21. Hillary would have lost anyway.

22. Maybe Trump’s surrogates went a little too far, but they were just a bunch of eager friends.

23. I’m not for breaking the law, but sometimes you have to do it to save the country.

24. Trump makes mistakes. He’s new to politics.

25. Do you realize what Donnygate is doing to the dollar abroad?

26. What about Harry Truman and the deep freeze scandal?

27. Franklin D. Roosevelt did a lot worse things.

28. I’m sick and tired of hearing about Russia and so is everybody else.

29. This whole thing should be tried in the courts and not on social media and cable news.

30. When Trump gives his explanation of what happened there are going to be a lot of people in this country with egg on their faces.

31. My country right or wrong.

32. What about Monica Lewinsky?

33. I think the people who make all this fuss about Russia should be shot.

34. If the Democrats had the money, they would have done the same thing.

35. I never trusted Jim Comey and Sally Yates to begin with.

36. If you say one more word about Russia I’ll punch you in the nose.

Or, A – If the person is bigger than you: “If you say one more word about Russia I’m leaving this house.”

Or, B – If it’s your own house and the person is bigger than you: “What about Monica Lewinsky?”

Syndicated columnist Art Buchwald
Syndicated columnist Art Buchwald

*NOTE: In 1974 BJ Gallagher was working on Capitol Hill in the office of Delaware Congressman Pete DuPont, who was a serving on the House Impeachment Committee at the time. Gallagher remembers a 1973 column by syndicated columnist Art Buchwald entitled “A Response Checklist” – it was published in numerous other papers around the country. By simply changing the names, Buchwald’s tips for Nixon supporters are as valid for Republicans today as they were in the early ‘70s.

We miss you, Buchwald. Wish you were here to see the crazy Keystone Cops in White House these days. What would you tell us? Thanks to your syndicated columns, we already know.

This post was published on the now-closed HuffPost Contributor platform. Contributors control their own work and posted freely to our site. If you need to flag this entry as abusive, send us an email.
CONVERSATIONS