After a series of “bad boy” types in my early twenties, I was sure that I had struck gold when I began dating Seth. Not only did I date Seth, I went on to marry him, have two children and divorce him which ultimately spiraled into a 6-year custody battle that defied logic at every turn. Because of my own personal experience with Seth, which threatened my sanity on multiple occasions, I’ve dedicated my life to helping those in the trenches of divorcing a narcissist.
I often reflect on the red flags that I ignored through my courtship to Seth and there were many! Narcissists are charming, charismatic and highly skilled at impression management and worse, they often target those who are trusting to a fault and highly empathetic. In other words, they set their sights on victims who possess the very traits that they lack. What are the red flags to watch for if you think you just met your Prince Charming?
1. Love Bombing: As a young woman in my twenties, I was very naive and inexperienced when it came to adult dating. Seth sent me flowers and arranged for me to have a full day of pampering at a day spa before we had even been on our first date! From there, I was inundated with notes on my car, poems sent to my place of employment, over-the-top compliments and romantic weekend getaways complete with rose petals lining the bed. Love bombing is common with narcissists. The recipient is bombarded with attention which leaves little time for true contemplation and reflection. Quite literally, the attention is so overwhelming that you don’t have time to think.
2. Mirroring: When I met Seth, I owned a pet care business and professed my love for furry animals. On our first date, Seth went overboard telling me about the love he had for his dogs. He went so far as to bring a full photo album of his dogs and there were only so many times I could compliment the never-ending supply of photos without feeling disingenuous. There is a difference between finding commonalities and feeling like you are at the receiving end of a major sales pitch. The narcissist will hone in on your likes and dislikes and mirror them back to you.
3. The Pedestal: I was quickly placed on a pedestal and while this can be a flattering place to be, it is also a huge red flag when dating. Within days of meeting, I discovered that I was exactly what Seth had been looking for and he seemed euphoric. I was convinced that we were soul mates and meant to be together. Seth was trying to claim me as his by placing me on a pedestal but the reality is, the pedestal is a façade and will quickly come crashing down.
4. Preemptive Defense: When we first met, Seth told me about a blind woman who he befriended in college. He went to her house each day and helped with her bills, he took out her trash and he cared for her yard. He explained that his family was Catholic and that he had been raised to be of service to those in need. Seth then told me that he was friends with all of his ex-girlfriends and still mailed them birthday cards each year. I was in awe of this person sitting across from me who was so selfless and was also mature enough to stay on good terms with past girlfriends. This is known as a preemptive defense in the world of narcissists and other personality disordered individuals. It is a glaring red flag when someone is trying to sell you on the fact that they are a good or honorable person without any provocation from you. Seth was attempting to paint a picture of a kind, trustworthy individual. Genuine, decent people do not feel the need to force their positive qualities and traits down your throat. It is important to remember that actions are always louder than words.
5. Bragging: Seth was flashy. He flaunted his money and bragged about his cars, his boat, his career, his college degree and his family. He knew that I had come from humble beginnings and that I was not accustomed to his lifestyle. In short order, I became intimidated by his lifestyle because his world was all new to me. I felt honored that Seth, being the high roller that he was, could even be remotely interested in someone like me who lacked the educational background, social status and financial resources that he seemed to take such pride in. I felt like Cinderella meeting the Prince for the first time.
In today’s society, we toss the word “narcissist” around loosely to describe celebrities and those who seemed to be obsessed with the fine art of selfies. In actuality, this is a personality disorder with the potential of destroying everyone and everything in it’s path. I can look in my rear-view mirror and see the red flags that I went speeding past. The key is to slow down and give yourself time to self-reflect and truly examine the person who is attempting to climb into the passenger seat of your life. A truly healthy partner will respect your boundaries, need for space and desire to take things slow.