Your president has announced that the day after the Golden Globes (which ironically is Melania’s nickname for “the boys”) he intends to publish a list of the top media outlets that are the most fake. This is what is typically done by the Mean Girls of High School and not by men like FDR, JFK or even George Bush who was probably busy painting self-portraits of clowns the day after the awards.
To my delight, I have been given access to Trump’s list of New Year’s resolutions and I thought I would share it with you. It reads thus:
- Read a book (Ha Ha Ha: I’m kidding).
- Buy a tracker ankle bracelet for Melania who keeps getting lost in the White House EVERY goddamn day.
- Insist that anyone who has nuclear weapons join an exclusive club and wear the same ruby and diamond encrusted cap which I happened to be selling on my Trump For Men website. They all say “Make The Cloud Great Again.”
- Ask Roy Moore the name of that magazine he subscribes to. Fourteen Magazine? Doing Time Magazine? Nudesweek?
- Get a physical.
- Hire an actor to play my doctor
- Cancel the magician for Baron’s birthday party. He screams like a girl at a One Direction concert every time something disappears.
- Antagonize every single one of our allies so they stop calling me. That way I don’t have to remember any of their names.
- Per Eric’s request, call the Guinness Book to see if spinning in circles non-stop for four weeks is a record.
- Buy a pair of Groucho glasses (with nose and mustache) for Sarah Huckabee. Children by the million are being traumatized and smacking their heads with large polo mallets until they are unconscious, whenever she appears on TV.
- Sign a bill that makes skipping mandatory so Eric does not feel alone.
- Hire a pathological lying tutor for Don Jr., Jeff Sessions and Jared. Screw it. I’ll do it. I have nothing to do all day anyway.
- Go after that reporter who said that I am dumber than a Washington post.
- Find out how tall Kristin Chenoweth is. I’m guessing four inches. Five tops.,
- Copyright the words “sad,” “disaster” and “fantastic” as I came up with them.
- Book tax bill rallies in places here people are the most gullible and stupid and will believe anything that I say. Me at my best. No one better. Sometimes I even believe me!
- Watch Fox and Friends. Question: will Jennifer Aniston ever return? I’ve written letters!
- Since I eat so many Big Macs, look into changing the name of McDonalds to just Donalds.
- Look into clean coal again. Why can’t washing machines be used? Hey, I launder money all the time!
- Take out Bob Mueller. I mean...as in take him to a movie. Wink. Wink.
- Look into new Trump hotel in Moscow to be called Putin on the Ritz. Mr V to provide cameras and hookers from Waterworks
- Piss off Iran. Hey Iran and I won!
- Piss off Kim Jim Un. Call him names like Not so Slim Jim Un. Kim Novak. Fat Man of Nagasaki. Chubby Check Please!
- Have all my golf shots photoshopped so I don’t look like Beyonce in her ninth month.
- Find out if Rex Tillerson really did call me Moron-Lago.
- Lock up deal for my new presidential fashion line, “Red Ties with Russia.” Call GQ and tell them that wearing your tie five inches below your belt is not only slimming but it acts as a direct arrow and leads the female eye directly to my golden globes.
- Find out why people think I’m exposing myself all the time. All I hear is “cover up, cover up” wherever I go!
- Sign bills. But never pay them. Ha. Ha. Ha.
- Answer to why I don’t have a dog: I treat everyone like one.
- Pay off all 19 sexual harassment accusers in Trump Casino chips (with my picture on them). Convince them that they will be worth real actual money someday. Wow. Even that makes me laugh. Dumb broads.
- Open a manicure salon called Nail Nancy O’Dell.
- Ask Steve Bannon to pick up all the empties he left in his office.
- Look into Melania’s request to change the color of the White House.
- Start winking messages directly to Mike Flynn, Paul Manafort and that Greek guy whose name I can never remember or pronounce. Learn Morse Code first.
- Find a replacement for Omarosa. No one did hospital corners like her.
- Find out if Thor is a nickname.
- Get Steve Mnuchin to make paper hats out of money the way he does for his wife, Greedy. Like the one she wore to the inauguration.
- Have a pow wow with Pocahontas. Kidding. There is no pow or wow there. Believe me.
- Find out what sheets Jeff Sessions uses at his secret weekend Klan rallies. They are so soft.
- Find out if Tony Shalub is really Jewish. SO believable on Mrs. Maisel.