Certain experiences are rather common among married couples, it seems: arguments about who’s more tired, ongoing thermostat negotiations and leftover Halloween candy binges, to name a few.
Below, we’ve gathered 30 relatable tweets that capture the married experience with accuracy and humor in 280 characters or less.
How people watch movies when they’re:
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) November 3, 2018
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
Wife: I just want a bar where it's not very loud and the drinks are cheap and there aren't any other people.
— "Bare Minimum Parenting" in bookstores now (@XplodingUnicorn) November 2, 2018
Me: So you want to drink at home?
Wife: That sounds perfect.
Me texting husband at Target: They’re just tampons. Get the ones in the pink box on the top shelf.
— Betty (@BoomBoomBetty) November 8, 2018
My husband texting me at Home Depot: It’s just a socket wrench 3/4 hex right cosine the square root of 238 sudden death overtime. It has a black handle.
When your wife of 26 years asks you how old you are. True love.
— Bart (@jbmsoccerdad) October 30, 2018
Whenever my husband shows me affection and my dogs get jealous, I have to tell them that they are my true loves and he means nothing to me.
— Stacey (@skittle624) November 3, 2018
On a scale of one-to-seeing-your-husband-napping, how annoyed are you?
— SpacedMom (@copymama) November 6, 2018
[sitting at a table]
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) November 9, 2018
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number
*thermostat negotiations*
Wife: You’re having more Halloween candy?
— Jeff (@dadsrpeopletoo) November 8, 2018
Me: I’m in training for Thanksgiving. You think that kind of gluttony is easy?
(Puts on headband)
(Turns on eye of the tiger)
(Opens a snickers)
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
— Tracie Tom (@tracietom) June 6, 2018
Marriage...because I love getting yelled at for leaving a light on and for turning a light off.
— Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) November 4, 2018
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
— Dan (@dadopotamus) November 3, 2018
They did it with a straight face too.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She asked me to pick up some grated parmesan but I got shredded parmesan.
— Boyd's Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) November 5, 2018
Can't wait for my husband to get home from work so we can have our traditional passive aggressive war about who has more reasons to be tired.
— Elisabeth. (@YourMomsucksTho) November 6, 2018
I just made my husband apologize to me 6 times for not ordering me a lemonade if you’re wondering how easy I am to live with.
— EricaTriesToTweet (@EricaWhoToYou) November 4, 2018
Wife: You're so childish. I'm leaving you.
— Ian Sausage (@stephenjmolloy) October 3, 2018
Me: Good luck with that. The floor is lava.
It doesn't matter what I'm complaining about, my husband's solution is always, "We'll both feel better if you take your bra off."
— 🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ🎭 (@3sunzzz) October 29, 2018
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
— Oops!...I Dad It Again (@NewDadNotes) August 4, 2018
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
I’m Still Mad At You: A guide to marriage
— Dorky Romano (@SuperApple80) November 6, 2018
I mainly got married so I can have someone answer the door when the take-out comes.
— Nonchalant Charlotte (@jellybnbonanza) November 7, 2018
[newly-weds]
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) November 7, 2018
Me: I love you.
Him: I love you more.
[married 10 years]
Me: *farts*
Him: *farts longer*
Showed the wife my tweets.
— Uncle Duke (@UncleDuke1969) March 24, 2013
"HA HA. You're SOOO funny. You should be a COMEDIAN!"
Very proud. I'd never given her multiple sarcasms before.
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
— Momarazzi. (@Mirimade) September 23, 2018
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
I have to apologize to my wife for being able to sleep on a plane because she can't.
— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) October 7, 2018
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I'm leaving you
— Andrew Fowler (@fowlerism) June 14, 2018
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
I’ve never been a morning person, but since the husband leaves for work at 5:45am, I’m out of bed every day at 5:46 jacking up the thermostat.
— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) November 9, 2018
Me: What are you doing?
— Stone (@StoneAgeRadio13) October 28, 2018
Wife: This is the style now. You tuck it in front and leave it out in the back. It’s like a shirt mullet.
My wife is convinced that Cap’n Crunch is the Quaker Oats guy in disguise and it’s ruining our marriage please help pic.twitter.com/COswJGlCUh
— Skoog (@Skoogeth) October 30, 2018
I wonder if my husband ever watches me shut my own body in the car door and thinks, "This woman is keeping my children alive."
— Momarazzi. (@Mirimade) August 6, 2018
Marriage: lost things edition
— AnxiousMomma (@anxiousmommaof2) October 10, 2018
Husband loses something, wife searches entire house looking for item
Wife loses something, husband scans his field of vision from the couch and yells “it’s not in here”
I want my wife to look at me like she looks at dry shampoo.
— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) October 15, 2018