Happily Ever After?
I’ve waited my entire life to fall in love and be in a committed relationship with a man of sound mind and body. I never thought walking down the aisle in a white dress would happen for me. Having a baby and creating a family was inconceivable. Yet, it has all materialized. I’m a wife, a mom, and a dog owner.
When I was a little girl I loved fairy tales. I remember my heart skipping a beat as Snow White awoke feeling lost. The handsome Prince immediately rescued and declared his love for her. A beautiful wedding ensued and they would live happily ever after. Life would be perfect for them. I dreamt of the day my Prince Charming would show up and save me.
There were no sequels to Snow White. I didn’t see what happened after the kids came and the dog started peeing on the bed. How did they get along with the wicked step-mom-in-law? I wasn't clear on how they paid bills monthly without stress and anxiety. What was the key to keeping up with all that damn joy?
For me, the sweet dog came first. I do have a dapper and personable husband. We had a delightful celebration for our wedding. After quite a struggle, we’ve got an amazing little boy. What about the eternal bliss and euphoria that was never going to go away?
Let’s just say I was not awoken by a magical kiss. I have done the work I needed to do to avoid a life of solitude. I met a man who was on a similar path as me. We were both looking to be in a committed relationship. We were both soul searching. We were a perfect pair. We even had matching emotional baggage to bring along for the ride.
We do experience love and happiness. We also experience fear, resentment towards each other, heartbreak, anger, and loneliness. Sometimes, the journey has been easy. On other occasions we are right in the fire gasping for air.
These last 15 months of being a first time mom have been the most difficult that I have ever had to endure in my entire life. I’m frazzled and bone-weary. The lack of sleep accompanied by a full-speed ahead little boy is a force to be reckoned with. I’m often rubbed the wrong way by everything. I am completely insulted by the fact that my husband can’t read my mind and know what I want and need in any given moment. I have a voracious appetite. I could eat a small horse at every meal. I feel sequestered and detached from the world, as I knew it. My mental seclusion prevents me from asking for the help I need. The shame I feel about how I feel prevents me from connecting with others. After all, aren’t I supposed to have it all under control?
All I have learned about being a woman references the ability to bring home the bacon and fry it up in the pan. Then I must make sure I have time to make my husband feel like a man. Not to mention feed, bathe, entertain, clothe, and soothe my son. Oh, and go to mommy and me classes to pretend everything is perfect! Head to the park to make sure my little one hugs a tree. By the end of the day, wipe the crusty oatmeal, sticky peanut butter, and slimy pasta off my body and clothes. After all that, I must strive to look desirable enough for my husband. It’s what fairy tales are made of, right?
It’s been more like the eternal argument over who will wash the dishes or give the baby a bath. The battle over who had it worse and the pain of all our “stuff” triggering all our “stuff”. I often feel like I’m not enough and can never do enough. Sometimes I wonder why I signed up for any of it. I want to get off this roller coaster yesterday!
Life has gotten more grisly than ever. I’ve screamed for a divorce, I’ve begged to make it stop, and I’ve questioned my ability as a mom. No one prepared me for this.
When my head stops its ugly rant, I can see that life has also become more magnificent and wondrous than ever. I have an amazing little boy who teaches me about joy. I get to watch my husband be an incredible father, reveling in the delight of his child’s smile. I can chuckle at the sight of cheerios stuck to our dog’s floppy ears. We've transformed into a tribe that supports one another through the highs and the lows.
We are making it through. “Through” is the operative word here. There is no avoidance and no circumventing what is happening or what the future holds. We have pledged to do it all with intention and thoughtfulness. It’s a practice of grace under pressure. Not easy but we are doing it hand in hand. It not easy being more honest, vulnerable, and compassionate with ourselves and one another. When I reflect, I notice how much we have overcome in doing it different. We get to break the chain, and deliberately choose to live happily ever after.
The sequence of every event has brought us to this point; Me, my husband, my son, even the dog. There are no coincidences. The more we come together, the more life flourishes. I trust that it is all unfolding for my own growth as a woman, a wife, and a mom. We are a family. It’s well worth the fairy tale