Many people had parents that were less than ideal. In fact, they may have been severely hurt or disappointed by the people who raised them. Some suffered physical or emotional abuse at the hand of a parent or were rejected or abandoned. Some were raised in homes where a parent’s addiction robbed them of the connection and loving support they deserved.
These types of childhood trauma can create fertile ground for mental health and addiction issues and it begins with the way people bond, or do not bond, with caregivers early in life. Studies show that trauma also can be transgenerational, which means it can be passed from one generation to the next.
People may not have a choice about who brings them into the world; however, they can grow beyond the devastation of their earliest years by learning to re-parent themselves. There are several things that must happen to help heal the parental wound:
- Acknowledge the wound exists. Many people try to normalize their trauma. They’ve spent their lives saying, “Well, everybody suffers.” And since everyone wants to be loved by their parents, it is sometimes difficult to admit that the people in that critical role caused injury. When people can finally admit their parents had faults and messed up, they can begin to see the things they missed or were denied in childhood, such as security, unconditional love and attention. Then they can reflect on ways to add positive emotions, people and experiences into their lives.
- Understand one sibling can hurt more. Some people have trouble identifying parental shortcomings and their impact because they have siblings who are not suffering. “Well, my brother John seems okay,” they may say. “I don't know why I'm so messed up.” A combination of factors may play a role in one person in the family having deeper trauma than others. Birth order and gender play a role and it is also important to look at what was going on in the family system at the time of birth and during childhood. For example, it could be that parents were abusive to all the children, but the oldest sibling who protected the others took the brunt of it.
- Seek trustworthy support. People who have been traumatized in childhood often feel insecure in their relationships. They are unaccustomed to being around people who treat them well because they did not experience that type of treatment growing up. Instead, they expect rejection, disappointment and separation. Putting an end to the cycle involves seeking out people they can trust so their adult self can experience a different result than their childhood self. Group therapy and group processes are particularly helpful with this because these experiences allow people to bond with one another, find unconditional support and establish healthier relationships. For those who grew up in addicted or dysfunctional households, Adult Children of Alcoholics meetings are a free source of 12-step fellowship and support.
- View trauma through the eyes of an adult. Unresolved trauma keeps people stuck in the past and makes them vulnerable to continually having trauma retriggered by current events. When they can review childhood trauma through the lens of an adult and from the circumstances of today, and work to resolve it, they begin to realize they are more than their trauma and that they have power over it. Though the first emotional reaction may be to feel like that hurt child again, they can look at their trauma in more than one way. This is where a good trauma therapist can help. There are numerous trauma therapies that allow people to see their history and pain but deal with the memories as adults.
Everybody has their own challenges growing up. Parents may have had terrible parenting or inadequate emotional or financial support, or may be struggling with a mental health disorder or addiction that makes them unavailable for their child. There are cruel and heartless people in the world, but most people are trying to do the best they can. They just don't have the tools because the people they're modeling their behavior after may have been rigid, overextended, ill or lacking empathy.
The gift of re-parenting is freedom. By giving themselves the unconditional love and support their parents could not, people can begin to release the grip of the past and heal childhood wounds. They can also accept parents and caregivers for their imperfection, which frees them to forgive themselves.
David Sack, MD, is board certified in psychiatry, addiction psychiatry and addiction medicine. As chief medical officer of Elements Behavioral Health, he oversees a network of addiction and mental health treatment centers that includes Promises Treatment Centers and The Ranch rehabs.