Yesterday, my daughter informed me that yet another one of my vegetables had been eaten! I started a vegetable garden in my back yard. I was excited to be able to harvest things like fennel, red cabbage, merlot peppers and more. Well...I got to enjoy my basil at least, but the fennel was eaten whole, likely by deer, and now the peppers have been taken and every morning we wake up wondering if all our work will have been in vain.
I should have bought the coyote urine.
Yes...I said coyote urine. The woman at the farming store told me, I should probably get it for many reasons...I didn't listen obviously. She also told me that if I wanted an awesome garden, I should create a garden ecosystem. It seemed like far too much work and it involved worms and more, so I passed. And now, I am facing the sad truth...I put in a lot of hard work but with less than stellar results. Chest la vie, live and learn.
However, the word ecosystem really resonated with me, why because it is part of something that I use with coaching clients and my mastermind groups. You see I do a lot of work with women in search of work - life balance - actually scratch that...they are not looking for balance, they just want a better way period. They are close to burnout and have lost their joy, passion and sometimes have resentment and anger at the other people in their lives. They are also the women who do it ALL. The superwomen.
The doers, the make things happen women. The "don't worry, I'll sleep later" women. The "If I don't do it, it won't get done" women. They are rockstars. Really they are. And they work really hard.
However, that kind of success is not sustainable and it sometimes yields less than stellar results as well.
- You are well known for your accomplishments but your personal relationships are really lacking.
- You are making great money and killing it at work, but your children barely know you and when you have time with them, you are snappy and irritable.
- You have become someone different from who you once were because you have given everything to everyone and now you have nothing left.
Yesterday, I taught a module to my mastermind group. This is a group of high achieving women with soul! They have many accomplishments between them but they want true holistic success and so they signed up for my mastermind. This module was called, how to create a success ecosystem as a woman.
I'm a storyteller at heart, so I love analogies, so I used the garden ecosystem as an example. (Actually if you look at the world, you will see that it is a series of systems, interconnected systems and there are clues for success all around us). In the interest of time, I won't tell you all that I taught but I will share a few things. I want to tell you one of the things you really need in your ecosystem and then how to begin to use it.
You need community. An ecosystem is not made up of one plant. It is made up of plants, rocks, worms, birds, moss...etc. You need to be intentional about creating community. When you create community, you want to create community in the following ways.
1. You want like minded people. When cultivating a garden, you want to put plants that like the sun together and plants that don't separately. As such, you want to cultivate a community of people who share your values, believe in the possibility of your visions and have visions for their own lives. Many of us have community that is organic, we were born into it, or live in the same area, but that doesn't mean, this is the right community for your success ecosystem, so don't be afraid to curate the perfect community for yourself.
2. You also want diversity. Like minded doesn't mean the same. Just like bio-diversity is good for the planet, diversity is good for every system on earth, including your success ecosystem. Cultivate relationships outside your immediate affinity groups. Cut across gender, race, culture and more (I just realized, I don't have many men in my circle, so I have to be a little intentional about that). Invite people into your life who can challenge your thinking, refresh your perspective and keep you on a path of growth.
3. Finally, you want layers. Too many people are acting like social climbers, you only want to be associated with people who you think are above you. The challenge with that is that you may become stuck in a position where you only ever see yourself through their eyes - or really your eyes - as someone who is below - and that energy can slowly and insidiously erode your self confidence and reduce your motivation. The way to create layers in your community is to stop being a respecter of persons altogether. I honor achievement, but I don't consider it a marker of superiority, which is why I rarely get star struck - although I haven't met Oprah yet, so who knows! In any event, if you can start to recognize the powerful truth that every single person has something to offer, whether they are the janitor or the CEO, you will open up your eyes to create a rich community.
Finally how do you allow the community part of your ecosystem work for you? You learn to let people help you in the way they can. You recognize that you do not always have to be the giver. You allow yourself to be vulnerable enough to ask for help. Now many people are skilled in asking for specific kinds of help, logistics etc...if you are an executive woman, you are probably a skilled delegator, however if you are feeling like many of the women I encounter who are open to transformation finally, because somehow life doesn't feel quite right, in spite of checking all the right boxes, then that's not the kind of help you need to ask for.
You need to ask for the kind of help that is more risky, that makes you feel uncomfortable. For example...If you feel disconnected from your kids, maybe you need to connect to the stay at home mom in your daughter's class and let her share her love of making Pinterest ideas come to life with her daughter...(Don't be alarmed, it's just a suggestion!) or here are some fabulous real life examples from my own life - I have a super successful business woman friend and she is fierce. One day, she said plainly, "you are so feminine, Ekene, I admire that. I'd like to learn more about that and build a friendship with you." Another example is when my stepdaughter came to live with me. I had a friend whose relationship with her stepdaughter I admired and so I had a few "sessions" with her to prepare my mind and formulate a plan, 4 years later, my step-daughter and get on like wildfire.
Anyway, this post has been longer than I intended...but I hope it has been informative. The image attached is the premise of my mastermind and indeed my belief in life. My mastermind is called Operation WOW. WOW stands for Women, Opportunities and Wealth. I believe that to have true sustainable success, you must first become the Woman you know you truly want to be and then you will be able to identify, leverage and even create Opportunities and through that build real Wealth (which is more than just money by the way). If you are interested in learning more about my work, please visit me at my online home, www.refreshforlife.com and sign up to my list, so I can keep you in the know. If you want a private session or more information, please don't hesitate to contact me, we are in community after all!
Ekene Onu is a leadership & transformational coach who specializes in helping high achieving women create joyful & purposeful lives through creating holistic success. She wants women to stop juggling all the balls and start living the lives they truly desire. You can connect with her on social media at @refreshwithekene on IG/FB and her website is www.refreshforlife.com