As we enter any new relationship, we go in blind. For the most part, we trust until we are given reasons not to. That is what I did anyway. When I met Jake for the second time, I had no reason to not trust him. I had no reason to ever suspect him of lying about anything. After all, I went into it not expecting much of an outcome. I lived in Texas and he was far away in Boston…1956.7 miles away to be exact. I was in the middle of a separation with no idea if Derek and I would work things out or not, but I moved forward. With an open heart and open mind, I got on that plane to Boston.
When I landed, I text Jake that I had arrived and I would meet him in the baggage area. He responded quickly that he was almost to the airport. As I got off the plane and walked toward the baggage claim, I had butterflies in my stomach and a dry mouth. I had no idea what to expect. I felt a rush of excitement and lingering guilt at the same time. I was still married to Derek, separated, but married nonetheless. The thoughts of “what am I doing here” and “should I be doing this” were slowly creeping to the forefront of my mind. I arrived at the baggage claim and waited for my luggage to drop. I knew Jake wasn’t there yet, so I waited patiently until I spotted my bright pink suitcase. I scooped it up and walked around the airport with my roller bag behind me, I nonchalantly surveyed my surroundings to see if I could spot him. As I went to sit down, he text me: “I’m here, on my way”. I began to sweat. That sensation of fear and excitement hit me like a ton of bricks and immediately I had second thoughts. My hands were shaking. I had clue what to do when I saw him, so I started rummaging through my bag looking for nothing but hoping to find my composure. Suddenly, out of the corner of my eye, I saw him walking toward me. I knew it was him without looking up because he had a distinct walk. I actually felt him approaching me and was eager and panicked at the same time. Guilt overwhelmed me and I thought I was going to throw up. There I was, yet again, sitting on the floor when I heard his voice.
I looked up and there he stood; dark hair, dark eyes, tanned skin, and that cologne. As I stood up, he opened his arms to me and I was enveloped by him. My nerves began to simmer and I felt myself relax in his arms. We made small talk about my flight and he grabbed my bag as we headed toward the rental car area. I didn’t know Jake very well so I made a reservation to rent my own car. He apologized to me for this tardiness and explained that he had asked a friend to drop him off at the airport so he could keep me company on the drive to the hotel. On the shuttle headed to the rental car area, Jake and I sat close together, our legs touching. His cologne infiltrated my senses, the warmth of his body floating toward mine, and his presence somewhat calmed me. I looked at him and just felt safe. No idea why, but I did. We had spent a lot of time on the phone talking and texting over the past few weeks and I felt as if I have known him intimately my entire life. As I looked him over, I admired the way he was dressed. He wore a blue and white gingham button down shirt with the cuffs folded up, jeans and those all too familiar penny loafers. For whatever reason, I had always associated him with those shoes. If I didn’t know better, I would have sworn he was wearing the same exact ones from high school. He wore them well. He wore all of it well. His familiar smile rested across his face almost the entire time we sat together. I asked him why he was smiling and he said it was because he couldn’t believe I was there, with him, as he placed his hand lovingly on my knee. That sensation made my heart melt and felt myself falling deeper and deeper into a feeling that this just may be going somewhere… and that scared me.
As I sat close to Jake, I thought about my marriage. That sick feeling came over me again and this time I couldn’t shake it. As we locked eyes, I could not help but think about my estranged husband, the father of my three sons. In a flash, I began to relive every moment of the past twenty years with Derek. Everything from getting pregnant, reciting our vows, the happy moments, and to him slowly losing interest in me over time. I can’t say I blamed him. I wasn’t exactly a joy to live with. I was needy, demanding and co-dependent. Although at the time I thought I was perfect. There was so much history between us. So many memories both good and bad. Right then and there…for a few moments, I felt sad and wanted to go home. I was jerked out of my thoughts of Derek as the shuttle grinded to a halt at the rental center. Jake bounced to his feet, grabbed my bag and escorted me off the bus. As we walked, he dragged my bag behind him and opened the doors for me. This was new. And it felt good. “I could get used to this” I thought to myself. Those haunting thoughts of Derek were fading with each chivalrous gesture I was shown.
We talked as we stood in line waiting to pick up the rental car. Laughter ensued and my smile grew as he slightly touched my shoulder and arm in a flirtatious way. He knew what he was doing. Texas was a distant memory and I was fully present in the moment with this handsome man who wanted to be with me. We got into the rental car and drove to the hotel I reserved for the duration of the trip. His car was already in the parking lot when we pulled in. As I checked in to the hotel, Jake was by my side with my bag safely behind him. I know it may not sound like much, but the way he cared for my bag made me feel wanted, appreciated… cherished. It was something I never really felt with Derek. Now, it wasn’t that Derek didn’t want me or didn’t appreciate me, it was that he showed it in a different way, his way. The way he displayed affection didn’t mirror my way of receiving affection. It is only now that I can acknowledge this fact and understand where the wires often got crossed.
When we got to my room, I opened the door and began to settle in. We made small talk as I unpacked and put away my things. We talked about our plans for the next day. He had to work and I had decided to catch up with some old friends. We started making plans for the next evening and I could feel my stomach begin to knot. As we talked, he moved closer toward me and soon he was finally close enough and gently grabbed my hand. We continued to talk as his face got closer to mine. As he slowly moved in, he carefully placed his hand under my chin, and pulled my face closer to his. I could feel his body moving toward mine and I knew what was about to happen. I thought about stopping him and for a moment I thought again about leaving. But as soon as his hand touched my face… my mind went blank and I let myself go. The excitement rushed through my veins, my heart pounded and my mind raced with all the possibilities of what could happen… what I suddenly wanted to happen. We had our first kiss in that hotel room. Moments later, we walked hand in hand, happily moving down the hallway to his car.
That night we had dinner and we talked for hours. He openly shared the details of his past with me. We sat at that restaurant table and he told me about his life after high school. As he moved from story to story, I took it all in with my eyes and ears wide open. I had questions and he had answers. Nothing to him was off limits. I remember thinking how great it was that he was so open. That he was so eager to share so much with me so soon. The way he shared made me feel as if I could trust him, and I started to. I had never met anyone willing to be that raw. His past was colorful and complete with jail time, drug sales, and domestic violence. All the red flags were there that night, but the way he presented them, it all seemed normal and almost romantic. He had reasons why everything happened as it did and said he just felt unlucky. I stared at this man from across the table and felt bad for him. I believed everything he said because he was so “open and honest”. I mean, how could I not? By the end of the night, I was convinced that Jake was a sweet and genuine man with a string of bad luck who just wanted to be loved… and maybe, just maybe, I was the woman to love him.
Jake stayed with me that night at the hotel. I told him I wasn’t ready to take our relationship (whatever it was) to the next level and said he respected that. When he didn’t try anything at all that night, I was impressed. He truly respected my boundaries and that made me trust him even more. The next morning, I had plans to meet up with my friend at the local track for a workout. I woke up before Jake, got ready and I kissed him goodbye. From his groggy slumber, he told me he would call me later and I was already looking forward to seeing him that night. I grabbed my keys, flashed a giant Kool Aid smile and with a little pep in my step, hurried out the door.
In the car, I was now alone with my thoughts. I began to compare Jake to Derek. I focused on the things that were seemingly unimportant yet they meant the world to me. Opening the car door, kissing me gently and being so open with his feelings and his past. When I thought about Derek, I thought about all the times he didn’t wait up for me at night, turning his ringer off when I called and not touching me nearly enough. At the time, I was more enamored with the illusion of love than I was with the reality of the situation and what really mattered in a relationship. My marriage was ending and Jake seemed like a perfect filler for the void that Derek left in my heart. If I knew then what I know now, I would have listened to my intuition when it told me to get my ass back on that plane to Texas. That gut feeling to go home and fight for my marriage. As I drove, I marveled at Jake’s honesty. I thought about the numerous ex-girlfriends he mentioned and couldn’t believe how they treated him. I could not fathom how anyone could treat such a sweet, honest and loving guy so poorly. I’m sure he made mistakes, but doesn’t everyone? A man who was set up by his best friend and served time in prison for something he didn’t do. None of that mattered now. All that came into focus was that he was out of jail, safely in my life and the rest was water under the bridge.
The days with Jake passed in an instant and by the time I knew it we were headed back to the airport for my flight home. We said our goodbyes and I boarded that plane with a full heart, hope for the future and a mind in a state of total confusion. I had a lot to consider as I flew back home. From the moment we parted at the airport, I was on the phone with him. Jake wanted to make sure I got through security without any issue and I assured him I did. We stayed on the phone the entire time I waited to board my flight and up until the plane took off, we were texting. I loved the feeling of him wanting to know I was ok. I loved the feeling of being concerned for. I loved the feeling of being wanted. At most, Derek would check on me once a day so this kind of attention for me, was irresistible. As if I were a dry sponge seeking only love and affection and there he was, ready and willing to give me what I craved. All at once I was swimming in an ocean of emotions that were not only foreign but intoxicating. I had no idea that I would slowly drown not only in his attention, but his lies, manipulations, and everything in between.