It was nice to see so many of our alumni and former teachers – and especially nice to see how close the relationships have remained – but the occasion was tragic: It was the funeral of a former student of mine. She was twenty-six. Incredibly, she was the second graduate to pass away in less than a year. He was twenty-seven. Tears filled my eyes as loved-ones recounted personal memories. Both lives, so full of promise, cut far too short. As a father of three, I cannot fathom the pain of the grieving parents. And yet, they’ll continue living – and one day, they’ll even be laughing again. I know because I’ve seen that too.
Paradoxically (or perhaps not), the morning of her funeral, it snowed in Houston – and despite initial weather predictions, the frosting actually stuck! Though the dusting wasn’t much, children woke to see their own yards (not Colorado mountains) covered in white. They ran around and played before school, they cackled with delight, and they exuded innocent joy on this cold December day – the same day when adults plaintively asked God why.
I often talk with my students about carefully considering competing ideas before embracing either; it’s an important intellectual skill. Emotions present a similar, but more difficult challenge. We’d all prefer to feel good all the time – to experience happiness, success, pleasure and peace, rather than suffer through sadness, loss, hardship, or hurt. But the latter are inevitable. Life is all of these things. Accepting this reality – and learning to cope, recover, rebound, and respond to setbacks and adversity is one of the most important things parents and educators can teach our children.
A recent, widely-read article in the New York Times described the alarming increase in severe anxiety and depression afflicting American teenagers; there are several apparent causes, including the near obsession with social media that too many kids have. But leaving aside medicines and therapy (both necessary in the most acute cases), one key factor that can either help cure or help contribute the problem is adults. What messages are we sending our children about priorities and values? Do our actions comport with our words in this regard? And how do we act in response to disappointment or frustration?
In his well-known book, “When Bad Things Happen to Good People,” Rabbi Harold Kushner wrote this: “I believe in God. But I do not believe the same things about Him that I did years ago, when I was growing up or when I was a theological student. I recognize His limitations. He is limited in what He can do by laws of nature and by the evolution of human nature and human moral freedom. I no longer hold God responsible for illnesses, accidents, and natural disasters, because I realize that I gain little and I lose so much when I blame God for those things.” He goes to say, “Fate, not God, sends us the problem. When we try to deal with it, we find out that we are not strong. We are weak, we get tired, we get angry, overwhelmed. We begin to wonder how we will ever make it through all the years. But when we reach the limits of our own strength, and courage, something unexpected happens. We find reinforcement coming from a source outside of ourselves.”
For Kushner, that source is God. For others, myself included, that spiritual source takes a different form. Regardless, what’s essential is to have developed some such source – which can only happen through intention and cultivation.
As I write, it’s winter, which brings shorter and darker days. Like many faith traditions, Judaism’s response to this season is a holiday that features light, Hanukkah. We kindle the menorah not only to commemorate an ancient miracle, but to remind ourselves that despite what may seem like dire circumstances, the human spirit persists. And with patience and passion, I believe that spirit ultimately prevails.