One of the many things I’ve appreciated on this sabbatical is the value of listening. An experience over ten years ago helped me understand that there are times, most of them in fact, when it is better to keep your mouth shut rather than vie for talk time with other, more eager speakers. It’s not only a good idea, but listening is fundamental in providing yourself with essential information in any given situation.
When I was working as one of a team of educational Professional Development Specialists most of our work involved travel outside of the office to the school districts we served. In order to stay connected and catch up with one another, we had bi-weekly staff meetings. At one of these meetings, a woman from the state came in to present the latest, required mandates for our school districts. As she rolled out the requirements for the new initiative, questions arose, especially in implementing such requirements in our more rural districts, which would be different than the large, urban districts she was describing. So she began to tell us how to do our work. That didn’t go over so well, but she kept talking. A couple of times, I tried to ask a question. She not only didn’t acknowledge me, she rolled right on…talking, talking, talking. I felt myself getting agitated, motivated to share the important information I had, to speak my mind, to finally have a say, dammit!
It was at that moment, I shut myself down. I felt like I was competing with that woman for—well, I don’t know for what. To show how smart I was? To show how stupid she was? Whatever I was feeling wasn’t comfortable nor was it satisfying and I didn’t feel much like a professional. I spent the rest of that meeting taking notes and listening, not only to our speaker, but to the rest of my colleagues as they also tried to get a word in edgewise and ask pertinent questions. I discovered that others were having a similar frustration with this speaker.
It was one of the better lessons in my life. Learning to listen to whomever is speaking as well as to what is going on in the rest of the room is to learn how to gather information. We all require information in order to make our next move, to decide how to proceed, to consider others’ needs.
Here in Italy, all I can do is listen. Even after promising myself I’d know the language better the next time I traveled back, I still can’t put together an intelligent sentence explaining where I’ve come from or if I’m English or German. (Abito in Connecticut e sono Americana. Sure, now I can say it.) The first few times I was here, it was a breath of fresh air. I enjoyed listening to the rolling Italian words and expressions, but since I didn’t speak the language, I wasn’t expected to do anything. I couldn’t make arrangements, call anyone, order from the menu—niente! I could listen—or not—to any of the many conversations taking place and just sit back and enjoy my pasta or wine or the view. Let everyone else take care of the plans. I was non capisco.
Now I am on this sabbatical and I am writing a book about my experience. I have to listen. And it would be nice if I could contribute to a conversation. There are questions to ask and customs to experience, all of which will make my observations of this time rich and relevant. I must listen. Even if I don’t understand everything, there is more to listening than hearing the words. Smiles, tears, chuckles, sidelong glances accompany words here just like the language I am used to. I miss about 75% of all the conversations that happen around me, but I’m getting 25% of it. I understand more now than I did the last time and by focusing my attention on the whole conversation; the body language, the tone and the participants, my level of understanding will no doubt rise a little higher.
Everything everyone does or says to you, in the US or Italy or anywhere, is data. It is basic information to help us respond appropriately. We can be present for that information simply by listening. Don’t interrupt, don’t anticipate, don’t decide what someone else means. Mark Twain said, “The unspoken word is capital. We can invest it or we can squander it.” When you listen, you’re investing yourself in the experience of living with others with love and respect.